2 months Several months have passed since every copy of the first full interactive B-Movie Super Porcupine Omelette
http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,113110.0.html was burned in a fire set by mad producer Clockwork Canary. Since then we have been able to recover every single scene... save for reel 6 and the end, so we ignored reel 6 and replaced the end with mad producer Clockwork Canary's beloved "it's all just a dream" ending.
Now, 4 minutes ago I found, and will now present to you, in a Mr. Briggs Inc.'s birthday special, the real, hyperelongated ending!
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Jin runs down the corridor, Wiki's hairclip in hand. Meanwhile Donald, carrying three-arms, and Wikipe-Tan continue to walk away, the latter two in great painJin(offscreen): DONALD!
Donald and co. pause for a second, Wikipe-Tan looking worried, then dash back down the corridorJin: Get back here "Big Boss"!
Out of the blue, Jin is ambushed by about a dozen Jelly-Infected doomtroopers, one we recognize as private Vomitrag. Jin has no time for such trifles and easily re-kills all of them with his bare hand and flipper mimicking Master Baytes. As he moves on, more of these close in on him, which he all kills in the same manner as the first group, but the onslaught continues and all fall to the power of the penguin martial art. It is after this that Jin sees Donald Prime and Wikipe-Tan looking on at him in the corridor, the latter wills the puzzle piece out of Jin's hand and back to her headDonald: Farewell Mr. Jin...
Donald retreats in to the passage as Wikipe-Tan's clips hover back into battle position and fly towards JinCUT TO THE SURFACE AGAIN, THE BATTLE STILL RAGES. JASMINE TALKS TO THE OTHERS
Celeste/Baytes: You're insane!
Jasmine: I don't care, I don't want Jin to face this alone. I know this is our destiny, what we were born, put together, for!
Celeste/Baytes: But you'll be facing this alone too!
Ash: No she won't!
*group gasp*Ash: I'll go with her!
*Group gasp*Ash: And so will Menard!
*group gasp*Menard: What? Oh hell no!
Aaron: Wait a damn minute! You're going back into the core of Europa, with them? That's worse than going alone, I still don't trust these freaks!
Volga: Then I'll protect her!
*group gasp*Volga: I also have a loved one I wish to find, we'll find them together!
Jasmine: Thank you Volga. I hope to see you all soon
Jasmine and co. walk into the small passage to the core. Meanwhile, Wikipe-Tan is slowly chipping away at Jin with the hairclips, whose hands cannot grab on as easily to the puzzle-pieces in their flippery stateWikipe-Tan: I deal with facts Jin, and it can be seen from any good neutral viewpoint that you cannot stand up to me!
Clip 1 fires at Jin, who catches the thing in his human hand, clip 2 however shoots at him and knocks it away, causing red static between the two, leaving a surprised JinWikipe-Tan: You have no chance to survive, make your time!
Wikipe-Tan fires the clips at Jin again. Jin latches on to one, the other cuts his arm. Wiki tries her best to will the first one back, but Jin simply comes forward and attempts to slam hairclip 1 into hairclip 2. Wiki retaliates using a force field to push him back. She sends her second hairclip forward again for the kill, but it is blocked by Jin who thrusts the first threateningly forward. More red static, the hairclips repel eachother, knocking Jin to the ground, but he hangs on to the one in his hand. As Jin gets up, Wikipe-Tan, surrounded by more red electricity, worriedly steps backwards and begins to run into another passage, but is blocked by Odinn7, who steps into the corridor and snatches Wikipe-Tan's other hairclip from her head!Odinn: Need some help?
Jin nods. Odinn 7 motions toward the puzzle pieceOdinn: This is what you want right?
Jin nods. Odinn7 walks towards Jin and struggle to put the pieces together. As they connect them, a gunshot-like *POP* sounds. The two pieces fade to black, and similarily so does Wikipe-Tan, before she falls over with a hollow *clang*Jin: Odinn, you're alive!
Odinn7 shakes his head up and down happilyJin: And the others?
Odinn: They're dead Jin, all but me and Jarrod, dead. We lost track of Reynolds (Slater) and his crew.
Jin: So you two are the only backup I have?
Jarrod entersJarrod: 'Fraid so
Jin: More than I came in with. Cover my sides
Jin, Jarrod, and Odinn7 run down the corridor to Donald... and DehovenTOPSIDE. THINGS ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY WORSE WITH EUROPA'S STABILITY
BACK UNDERGROUND, WE SEE JASMINE, VOLGA, MENARD, AND ASH MAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE TUNNELS THEMSELVES
Jasmine (hysterical): Jin! Where are you? I need you!
Ash: Hey, calm down! He's not here, screaming will get you no-
Voice: IT'LL GET HER ME!
Like a flash, both Ash and Menard are knocked back, Volga draws her sword only to see-Brando!: I'm safe Volga, Jasmine. I don't know about Jin.
Volga: Marlon!
Jasmine: Brando! I-I heard from Jin only minutes ago! He's down here with us!
Brando: He's with Aaron
solemn head shake from JasmineBrando: Baytes?
solemn shake from VolgaJasmine: He's going after your brother-- the big boss! *Sob!* ALONE!
Brando: Oh no...
Ash: Excuse me... are you THE Marlon Brando?
Brando: ...
Volga: Yes, he is
Brando: And you are Crigta's head priest
Ash: Dehoven is Crigta's new head priest now
Menard: And his orgy master... lol
Ash: Lord Brando, let's kick ass
Brando: Quickly now!
Quick tremor, and the 5 dash down the tunnel. Meanwhile in the other tunnel, Jin, Odinn, and Jarrod come to a screeching halt, ahead them lies a reasonably huge doorway with a foreboding glow coming from insideOdinn7: We made it!
Jarrod: s**t yeah!
Odinn7: Okay boys, we did good, but that's no reason to get cocky, we have to take down the fricken' MONSTER HUNTER!
Odinn7: Before we go, I've got something to ask you
Jin: Yeh?
Odinn7: That necklace of yours looks commonplace enough, but I can't shake the feeling it has some special significance to it, does it?
Jin: Yeh. It's a long and painful tale, but I wouldn't mind sharing it with you. I'll have to remember that after this is over
Odinn7: What about now?
Jin: Why now?
Odinn7: I might not make it back
Jin: Yes you will!
Odinn7: But just to be on the safe side!
Jin: Sure, we probably have enough time.
rumbleJin: I was born into a family of adventurers, heroes, those types of guys, just a family with a huge chain of coincidences attatched
Odinn7: You?
Jin: Ever heard of Maine Gregorowicz?
Odinn7: No-- wait! Yes! He's a reasonably famous archaeologist known for his daring exploits!
Jin: He's my brother
Odinn7: No way! He's almost as cool as Indiana Jones, and even cooler than Omar whatshisname!
Jin: He was the firstborn of my parents, next came twins who were just as talented as he was, except one was
evil. One day while they were training, she ran away and the other ran after her to attempt to bring her back to her senses. I was 10 when it happened and I never fully understood it, I was never in to the training for heroism thing, I was part of the 25% of my family tree that was normal, and unlike Maine, I was a wuss boy. Of course that was until I was 13, when I discovered my own "talent" of turning into a werepenguin whenever the moon was full... or I was "aroused". My family tried everything to get this in control, hypnotherapy, Asian mysticism, massage, mad science. Eventually my father sent me off to Master Jack Baytes for training, like my siblings before me.
Odinn7: So is this the "necklace" part?
Jin: Yes. But Master Baytes knew what I know now, I am not as "good" as the others, so he instead turned my attention to watching b-movies. I was hooked up in the back room of the studio with the rest of the lazy kids, which is where I first heard of Joel Hodgson. Who I was surprised to find out that not he, but Mike Nelson, was teaching a comedy class in the general area! I would go there religiously every day after school, which is where the man tought me one of the only two things I know how to do proficiently today: make the worst movies seem almost fairly interesting
Odinn7: What's the other thing, kicking ass?
Jin: Dancing. But that I just picked up during my general high school experience. Meanwhile my father wants another child, and mom says no, especially since she already had one good one, one decent one, one that was probably doing some good somewhere, and a not so good one. She ran away and disappeared, and I took off after her. Each day I can't help but feel responsible... for betraying the family honor. I'm no better than the bad twin.
Odinn7: Well I bet if they saw you now, they'd change their outlook, you're about to save the world Jin
Jin: I don't think so... but if I do I know what I'll do next!
Odinn7: What?
Jin: I'll tell you, if you make it out alive.
Odinn7: Before we go, I have one question, what happened to your mom? She didn't die...
Jin: Naw, she's not dead.
Odinn7: then what happened?
Jin: I dunno, but she called me just days ago to tell me to pick up the groceries and told me a cryptic message about Darth Brando
Odinn7: And that's the first time you've heard from her in?
Jin: Weeks. Kinda random
Odinn7: You know, Brando isn't really evil
Jin: Yeah, whatever, but mother knows best
Odinn7: No Jin, now you know best. Let's go reclaim that family honor!
Donald (offscreen): Hahahaha... BOOOOYYYYY!!!!!
Donald appears, and wraps his hand around Jarrod's neckJarrod: Ghk... run...
Jin turns to fight, Odinn7 grabs him backOdinn7: We don't have time!
Odinn7 runs into the cave, Jin follows. They find Dehoven pushing the last cute little thingy into the pitDehoven: You're too late! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
Jin: damn!
Odinn7: It was unavoidable
Don Prime runs in after our heroes, Jarrod in his hand, as the pit begins to glowOdinn7: Close your eyes!
From the pit emanates a HUGE flash, blinding Dehoven who didn't listen to Odinn, and three-arms, who just isn't lucky3-arms: s**t! My f&^kin' eyes!!!
Dehoven: CRIIIGTAAAA!!!!
Blood flows from the pit, and out crawls Crigta, a charcoal gray monstrosity played by the legs of Richard Kiel, the arms (4 of 'em, 2 are Kiel's) of Michael Clark Duncan, and the head played by putting a large mask over the body of Deep Roy. His only clothing is a loincloth, pulsating slightly as Richard Kiel Breathes Crigta: I- AM- NOT- SATISFIED
Dehoven: A-are you there? Sorry for the small sacrifices, I was running out of time. You can have these meddling a***oles for food! Take Donald Prime first, he has no respect for you or me! Then that bastard werepenguin! He's a bastard!
Crigta steps forward towards Donald, who is furiousDonald: DEHOVEN! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!
Dehoven telekinetically fires Jarrod forward like a railgun into Crigta, not affecting him but blowing Jarrod to bitsDehoven (facing the wall): YOU'll pay now!
3-arms: Is something happening? I want to make Donald pay too!
Odinn7: How do we beat...
that??
Jin: I don't know! I suck at everything but dancing and riffing movies!
Odinn7: No! Look, you've made it this far, and you can make it even farther! Go Jin go!
Jin falls to the floor,Jin charges forward to face Crigta, who bats him out of the way with one arm. On the floor, Jin proceeds to kick his powerful semi-webbed feet. He rockets forward over the painful terrain. Hitting Crigta's foot at breakbeak speed, but not really doing any damage (except to Richard Kiel). Jin then tries to powerjump off the walls to confuse Crigta and land on his headDeep Roy: Ow!
Michael Clarke Duncan: Shh!
Crigta reponds by hitting his head on the ceiling and throwing Jin off to the groundJin: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I am out of ideas
Odinn7: No you're not, go think of something!
Odinn7 pushes Jin back to his feet. Out of ideas, Jin begins to dance madlyCrigta: Is this what humans... or penguin... wolf... humans... have been reduced to in the time I was asleep? I.... am.... disgusted!
Odinn7: The dancing! It's weakening him!
Crigta slaps Jin backward into Odinn7Odinn7: This is hopeless!
Jin: Yeh.
Odinn7: So what the hell can we do??!?!!?
Jin gets up again, ready for another useless attack, whenVoice offscreen: I know exactly what we can do!
Trevor walks into the room, riding the tyrannasaurus and leading Christian Slater and his 3rd of the platoon. Trevor wields 6 golden spatulas strapped to his body!Jin: Trevor! You're alive! You're here!
Brando, Volga, Jasmine, Menard, and Ash burst in from another doorBrando: We're here!
Then Poogie enters from another door, holding her spatulaPoogie: We're
all here!
Jin: What about Aaron and Master Baytes?
Brando: Oh yeah, they stayed on the surface... You're looking bad, Jin
Jin: That which does not kill me makes me stronger
Brando: All fight and no zen makes Jin spiritually unfinished
Jin: Was that supposed to be a play on The Shining?
Brando: No. Try this.
Brando snags a spatula from Trevor and gives it to Jin, who upon touching the cooking instrument starts to glow and turns more human againBrando: It shall be easier with this
Crigta: Not the spatulasssss!!!!!!!! My minions, destroy them!
Dehoven tries, but ends up running into a wallCrigta: My high priest, what are you waiting for!?
Ash: I don't see any high priest around here!
Menard: Can I still be an orgy master?
Ash: You've been screwing us over all these years, Crigta, making us do all the dangerous work! We've seen the light now
Brando: Now is the time to redeem yourselves
Trevor hands Crigta's former goon squad two spatulasAsh: It is an honor to fight under your command
Menard: Whaaat??? I thought you were going to fight for us!
Brando: We shall all fight! I will protect you
Crigta: Brando you method-commanding bastard!
Ash: Chaaaaarge!
Menard: I'll go later
While Crigta has his back turned, Jin rams his spatula into Crigta's back!Crigta: GaAAAaaAAAh!
Brando: Jin! The chakra points! Hit the chakra ponts!
Jin: What? Where?
Brando: Lower!
Jin takes the spatula and hits crigta's loinclothed assBrando: Higher! Just slightly!
Ash: screw it!
Ash runs behind Jin, knocking him out of the way and hits the true point, embedding the spatula in itCrigta: BGaaaahhhh!!!!!!!
Jin: Damn! Where's the next one?
Brando: The lower abdomen!
Jin: Right!
Menard: I got it!
Menard shoots forward, penetrating the second chakra pointCrigta: IT BUUUUURNS!!!!
Menard: DUH! Ha! I got it! I got it, I got it!
With this, Crigta crushes Menard with one armJin: Aww, I'm worthless...
Odinn7: I thought we already got over that!
Ash: Help me, Jin!
Jin: Oh, what's the point
Crigta then procedds to breath fire for the only timein the movie and melt Ash to the wallOdinn7: Oh, squirrel! Jin, dammit the film's almost over, we can't have you spiraling into these bouts of depression during the climax!
Jasmine: Odinn, how long has he been doing this?
Odinn7: Basically every minute he wasn't killing something...
Jasmine: s**t... Is that so?
Jin just sulksJasmine: Ok, Double-Odinn, this is how it works!
Brando: Doomtroopers! Keep fighting Crigta silently in the background.
Jasmine: JIN, you pathetic, whining excuse for a solar soldier, get the hell up!
Jin sulkily does soJasmine: Now stop all this s**t about being tortured by inadequecy for the sake a of a dramatic plot device, are you forgetting that a few hours ago you would have gladly fought any menace to the death... for me. And that was before you went all crazy half-penguin. Why not now?
Jin: I failed, I couldn't stop it! I couldn't stop Crigta!
Jasmine: Jin, it's not too late, just look!
Jin: But they're being swatted like flies!
Jasmine: Of course, but you won't, unlike them you have a discernable personality, and for the record, whining goes against it.
Jin: Discernable personality? Dramatic plot device?
Jasmine: Break through Jin, it's destiny, and good destiny, it's the only way you can be the hero
Jin: I don't get it!
Jasmine: The laws of Bad Movies! has Baytes taught you nothing during your special training?
Jin: I was his worst student... hey were you one of his students or not?
Jasmine: I will reveal all... in the sequel...
Jin: What? Why are you talking weird all of a sudden?
Jasmine: But do this... for now... for your heritage...
Jin: But I can't!
Just then, a giant rock crushes Jasmine's lower halfJin: Jasmine! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jasmine: Jin... *cough* ...do it for me!
Jin: Jasmine, hold on! I think I
might be able to do it now! Just hold on!
inspiring/triumphant music begins to blare as Jin stands erect like a half-human-half-penguin action hero. Trevor throws him two more spatulas. Crigta has smashed all the soldiers with the exception of Slater when he hears an abnormally loud finger-snap, he turns to see Jin facing him, giving up the element of surpriseJin: Get away from him, you b***h!
Jin and Crigta take to fighting, each dealing bone-crushing blows, by some cosmic plot device Jin manages to strike with certainty the next chakra point, Crigta screams in terrorTOPSIDE, THE JACKAL DASHES LIKE A MANIAC ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN HE ENCOUNTERS NONE OTHER THAN A p**sED-OFF AARON IN STONE FORM
Aaron: Damn, this looks like my lucky day!
Aaron makes a grab for Jackal when the ground begins to rumble, and Aaron falls halfway through the terrainJackal: Au revoir, bobo!
The jackal runs out of the throneroom to find the landing pad and Dale's Dead Bug ship, the giant queen ant model on top, powering up for takeoff. The Jackal looks in the rear windowJackal: let me in you dingus or I'll have to kick your derriere!
Dale: hell no, I'd have to take my logo off the top to acheive enough ballast per fuel effieciency
The Jackal raises his rifle to Dale's headDale: Wing-O! Is that a genuine article?! I'll take that pretty thing along if you want
Jackal cocks the gunJackal: How about
I take it along?
Dale: G'ih! Umm, okay, I think we may have little enough weight to make it home IF we dis-robe
The Jackal climbs on top of the ship and begins to kick the metal ant offDale: Or you could ride up top if-! g'ih...
BACK ON THE BATTLEFIELD, MASTER BAYTES KILLS BADDIE AFTER BADDIE, HE STOPS WHEN HE FINDS THAT ONE OF THE SLAIN EVIL TABLE LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE VINCENT SCHIAVELLI. HE LOOKS AT THE FRESH-LOOKING CORPSE, PONDERING. FINALLY HIS SOULD EXITS CELESTE AND TAKES OVER THE BODY ON THE GROUND.
Baytes/Vincent: Much better! Celeste, are you okay?
Celeste: Jin! where's Jin?
Baytes/Vincent: He went off... to fight Crigta... by himself
Celeste: Jiiiiin!!!! And Jasmine?
Baytes: Ran after him.
Celeste: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Celeste runs off into the corridorsBaytes: women...
Aaron: Wait Baytes! I'll save you!
Baytes: What? No, Aaron, it is-
BAYTES' POV AS THER UNKNOWING AARON'S FIST CLOSES IN ON HIS FACE
BACK IN CRIGTA'S UNDERGROUND LAIR
While Jin carefully dodges Crigta's blows, Odinn7 sneaks up from behind and gets his necks with a spatula! Crigta reacts by smashing Odinn against his back to the wall.Odinn: Don't worry... I'll live... I need to hear ther rest of your mixed-up story...
Jin: ODI *cough* IINN!!!
Crigta grabs Jin in one hand, leaving Jin only enough room to free his right flipper and point the spatula at Crigta, who is instantly repulsed by the objectCrigta: It seems like you are faced with a choice, sir, your life, or my possible destruction, would you make that sacrifice, so that others may destroy m-
at that moment, Trevor rides behind Crigta on the T-Rex and hacks into the top of his head with his spatula! Crigta retaliates, smashing the T-Rex and half of Trevor. Trevor fortunately is not too affected, being a zombie.T-Rex: What'd I do??
Now Jin holds the final key to destroying Crigta indefinitelyJin: It looks like you are faced with a choice, your life-
Crigta: I can get you anything!
Jasmine has not indeed held on, lying bloody in two halvesJin: Your life... or Jasmine's!
Crigta: I can restore her to you forever... All I want is your-
Jin: You can have your own god-damn soul if you bring her back to life!
Crigta looks at Jin awkwardly, and reaches out to Jasmine, with a glow of ethereal light, Jasmine wakes up, halves together, healedJin: Jasmine!
Jasmine: IIiiiii waaannnt yoourrr braaaaiiiinnnn!!!!!!
Jin: You bastard!
Crigta: You see, you never specified-
Jin points the spatula directly at Crigta's forehead, menacinglyJin: Make her normal!
Crigta: OKAY, OKAY!
another, different colored glow, as Jasmine returns to her sensesJasmine: Jin! you, you saved me! ...but what about you?
Jin: It's okay, I got off without a hitch, he's a chicken.
Crigta: How dare y-
Jin: Yeah, and bring back Odinn7 too
Odinn: No, seriously, I'm okay. That was one heck of a story
Jin: Oh, okay. Now bring back the goat-skull guy, the orgy dude-
Crigta poutingly obeys, bringing back Ash and MenardBrando: And Clockworkcanary's good twin!
Jin: Who? ..and Jarrod
Clockwork Canary's good side magically comes back, but not Jarrod, to which Crigta simply replies:Crigta: Who?
Jin: Nevermind, I don't remember either. Errrmmm... Give back Master Baytes his old body too, would you?
Like implausibility, a new Baytes appears topside beside the Schiavelli body, just as Aaron punches the latter deadBaytes: Whew!
Aaron: What the heck?
Baytes: Never mind, we've gotta get below!
BACK DOWNSIDE
Jin: yeah, and let me go.
Crigta: Sure, I'll "let you go" Muhahahahaaaa!!!!!!!
Crigta responds by tossing Jin aside like a paper airplaneJasmine: Jin!
Jin: Just fine!
Brando: Hurry! Finish him off!
Jin: No. I gave him my word that I wouldn't-
Odinn7: Technically, you didn't actually-
Jin: I'm not some jackass getting off on a technicality!
Brando: You are learning!
Crigta: ROOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Brando: but still, how can we stop Crigta from... taking over the world?
Jin: dang... Maybe I will just this once-
At that moment, the last spatula is pulled from Jin's hand, like a magnet! It jets through the air and lands in the hands of...Crigta: Excellent!
Donald Prime.Crigta: You can kill me now Donald, or even better you can joi-
Donald: F... U!
Donald compels the spatula through the air again, it pierces the sky, and lands directly in Crigta's final Chakra!Crigta: n-n-n-
Jin: Ohhh, shizzzz...
Crigta: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With this, Crigta splits into Deep Roy, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Richard Kiel, who, in a display of where the special effects budget went, shrivel into ghastly skeletal shapes spurting blood from every pore and orifice, and are sucked back into the bloody Crigta pit, where the blood turns a deep black, and rapidly sinksJasmine: ...What I meant to say earlier was, you should have made him lift the werepenguin curse
Jin: Who cares? I am happier now than I have ever been...
Volga: Half-penguin in the revolting core of Europa surrounded by dead doomtroopers?
Jin: WHO CARES? No more Crigta, Jasmine levels: just fine!
Donald: What about the Donald Prime Factor?
group gasp, except for BrandoBrando: Not anymore... You are now... Donald MINOR
Donald: You'll pay!
Brando: You would go against all of us? I must contest, you... and what army?
Donald: My armies span the solar system!
Brando: Not anymore, all you have is me... brother.
Donald: Nev, errrr!
Brando: I will welcome you back with open arms, if we may make peace.
Donald: I am not your brother!
Brando: Then you have just lost your last relation in this world.
Donald: I am still powerful!
Brando: your power means nothing now, your own men do not even respect you anymore.
Donald: yes well, what about
*gurgle* a-about
*gurgle-guyrgle* WHAT-ABOU--
*GLURG*We zoom out to see that 3-Arms, maimed, blind, but alive, has found Donald's old dagger, and when he wasn't paying attention, slit his master's throat. Donald, drowning in blood and madness, falls to the floor, crushing 3-Arms under himDehoven: what happened? Am I ruler of the Heavens yet??
Brando: No, all that is ahead of you is servitude in hell...
We see through Dehoven's POV, E.G. totally black. With a single grunt the black turns red. As we switch to third person, we see Brando has hit Dehoven with a single blow to the gut, killing him near-instantly. With the soft thud of Dehoven hitting the ground, an earthquake is triggered!