Bad Bad Movie Review Review

[NottChet]

Fellow bad-movie fans.
Let me ask you this.

Is it possible that a review of a terrible movie can be more painful than the movie that inspired it?

I read a review on a bad-movie website that makes me think so. I haven't seen the movie it panned, but I've already suffered enough. Surely the movie must have had some speck of competence in it somewhere -- professional lighting, acceptable sound, decent catering, a focus puller who really cared about his audience. As for this review, uh-uh. The only thing positive I can say about this review is that the page closes when you click the X.

 I was particularly charmed by the page owner's claim that he had edited and proofread his friend's review before posting it. That made the creativity with spelling and syntax all the more interesting. If I thought that English was a second language for them, I'd give them some slack. But I don't think it is. They just speak it that way.

I confess that I broke my own rules by even reading this review. If a web article starts with lengthy minutiae on how a couple of buddies got all excited about doing something, then one gets tired of doing it or waiting for the other guy, then one drops out and drops back in, and they decide to do something else and then decided to do something else -- usually that's a sign that the article is going to be planned and executed just as well.

But I ignored the warning signs and plunged ahead. I offer no excuses. But who among us has not seen the words "Produced by Dino De Laurentiis" or "Featuring Claude Akins" and still watched the movie anyway?

I am posting this here not merely to knock this particular review. I'm reminded how fortunate we are that there are sites like Badmovie.org where people can do interesting, informative, funny reviews of bad movie.

The review ran more than 7,600 words, which is about 11 single-spaced pages. I will not subject you to the entire opus. The following are excerpts from an honest-to-gosh review of a movie that shall remain nameless, posted on a website that shall remain nameless.

Excerpts:

"I braced myself and found that inner courage and sat down in the couch, pressed the play button and let the pain begin, not that I where aware of it at the moment, but I was soon to find out."

''Aw, how cute, another movie with flawless women. Give me a sec, need to puke.''

''Now comes the scene where I started to feel sick, not because of what happened in the movie but I had some water in my sinuses from yesterdays swimming in the public pool, and my heavy laughing made me snuffle so hard, all the water and snot went down my throat.''

"The robot pokes the monkey in the stomach and the monkey freaks out. He grabs the robot by the head and starts to smash it against the floor. The male scientist looks at the monkey with big eyes, like he never had seen a monkey play with a toy before. After some heavy banging with the toy, the male scientist looks concerned, what if the monkey don't stop? What if he gets an stroke while playing with his toy? Ehm, if the monkeys had some problems with bad heart, how do they survive high up in the trees, swinging from branch to branch? I have some heart-problems, and I don't swing in the trees, I keep my feet safely on the ground."

''The couple lays down on the floor and cut to the next day.''

''... this bastard's tough, he manage to scream while the fire consumes all that it can get it's flames around. This is when I noticed that I had some more water and snot in my nose...''

''It would make the whole neighborhood to rubbles.''

''He brakes the door like it's not even attached to the wall. Aw s**t, some more water just ran down my throat.''

''Ah, finally, the compulsory tit-scene. A half naked woman, with tits not bigger than a raisin together ... This scene I liked, at least some nudity made the movie worth watching.''

''On the way out she takes a little time to break a glass door, causing the guards outside to open the outer door and stop her from leaving so the scientist could tell them to let her go, with the lousy explanation that she's just a "lousy f**k" after all. If she now was such a lousy f**k, then why even bother to f**k her? And why even give her a key to the front door if she's so lousy? Much in this movie makes me confused.''

''He announce that he needs to bring in the most dangerous and lethal killing machine he have, Hunter, to stop this. Did he just had a big part of his brain put on a coffee break? He just said that Carl would kill anyone who attacks him. This dude have some serious intellect.''

''After some searching, they find him. They start to spray him with the acid, but it's not as effective as they had hoped. Carl breaks a gas pipe (no, he didn't fart) and tears down an electric cable. With the sparks from the cable combined with the gas pipe he makes a flamethrower. Now there's a lesson for all of us. Don't threaten a cyborg with acid if he can make a flamethrower.''

''Carl does not suspect anything and takes of his mask of metal.''

''Suddenly he gets a very strange look at his face.''

''When this happened, I turned of the video and ran out to the playground just outside, screaming : " I just wanna live! I just wanna live!!!" I had to. Then someone called the cops.''

''First he tells her that he would be a good father and then he tells her that he would hurt her if she screams. I can't get it to fit into the father roll.''

''Carl stands in front of the car, making Burt throw in the reverse.''

''What! Was that all? I thought that a painful death filled with agony was in order. Was that really it? Him, drowning? At least kick the bastard or stomp his nuts or something! Oh, well. At least the s**tty movie has ended. ... What's next? Let's see if I can find some more s**t to watch.''

(A note warns us that this article is copyrighted. This means The New Yorker or Esquire will have to pay for the rights if they want to run this baby.)

[The Honn]

I know the site thats from. I liked it but the guy appears to have given up.

[Jay O'Connor]

May we...dare we..ask what site that is?

[Mofo Rising]

I don't know.  I liked the whole bit about the water running down the back of the throat.  Admit it, you'd love to see that in an Ebert review.

The reason I don't read many reviews is that I can't stand listen to people bad mouth things.  I like it when a critic honestly enjoys a film, and says so, but bad reviews always sound like a critic's own prejudices regurgitated.  And when they use the word "is", as in "This film is crap", instead of "I think this film is crap" it always sounds like a pompous jackass talking to me.  (Sorry about the punctuation.)  Ever read the critics over at The Onion throw a hissy fit?  Great paper, bad critics.

I like Andrew's reviewing style because he usually tries to find entertainment in even the worst of films.  If Andrew hates a film you know there's got to be some very good reasons.

The second reason I don't read many reviews is I avoid spoilers like the plague.  If I'm even remotely interested in seeing a movie I go to great lengths to avoid learning anything more about it until I see it.  This way I go in with a "clean slate" and can better judge the movie on it's own merits instead of the hype.

Sorry.  Bad critics.  You were saying?

[john]

Don't know what site it came from (haven't looked either), but the movie in question is The Vindicator. That should make it a little easier to find. :)

[Nathan]

I'm just glad he's not talking about one of my reviews.

Nathan

[Flangepart]

And well you should, Young Nathan. (Pauses to snort some Metamucel). Has some potential, maby, but he should. A: Warn about any spoilers, its only fair.  B: Learn the virtue of Brevity. I've said it before, Andrew writes Short Storys, Ken Begg does Tolstoy. Each is good at what he does, but Ken's style is an over all sense of a films absurdity, Andrew's is more direct, and punchier. I guess its like The Andy Griffith show, and Drew Carey. Both are good, but the style is different. Ah, well. We all have to start somewere..........

[Lee]

Damn Flangepart, awesome creativity and also really smart. Maybe I'll try my ossmossiss experiment on you!

Geez I feel like a brownnozer saying all these nice things to people! What the hell did the doctor give me? :)

[NottChet]

Author: Jay O'Connor (---.echo-inc.com)
Date:   04-16-02 17:51

>May we...dare we..ask what site that is?

Yes. You may.
(badda-bum)
Yeah, I hate it when folks do that to me, too.
But, as I said, I'd prefer not to name the site. Not all of the reviews there were of this caliber.

[Jay O'Connor]

> Not all of the reviews there were of this caliber.

Due to normal usage of the term, that implies that most were worse...

[Frederik Pileborg]

Jay O'Connor wrote:
>
> > Not all of the reviews there were of this caliber.
>
> Due to normal usage of the term, that implies that most were
> worse...

That sentence makes me smile. Strange, as I'm the one who wrote those reviews.

[Frederik Pileborg]

As the owner of the website in question I applaud your bravery and stamina, and I apologize for causing you so much pain.

However, you were wrong in assuming that either I or my friend had the pleasure of learning English since infancy. We had to go to school for that.

While my own comprehension of the language is in good order my skill at expressing myself is still lacking. For this I also apologize, and can only promise to learn with time.

On the subject of the review itself I can only smile and recall the purely awful state it was in when it was handed to me. My friend is not used to writing in English, but I felt as if there was only so much I could do short of rewriting the whole thing myself. My friend really wanted to contribute, and I'm the kind of guy that has a hard time saying no. So there it is in its awful glory, and the rest is history.

[Frederik Pileborg]

Sadly, I have been and is preoccupied with personal business. When something new will be up I cannot say, but I do not whish to stop reviewing bad films.

[Frederik Pileborg]

Good points, both of them. As for spoilers I tend to think of my reviews as nothing but spoilers. Perhaps it's a good idea to better explain this before some unlucky soul starts reading.

I have not written many reviews yet, so I'm still trying to find a format I'm comfortable with. I would like more substance, and less words. Maybe I shouldn't spoil the ending in every single review? These are things I hope to iron out with time, and perhaps develop a style of my own.