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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Movie Reviews  |  Submitted Reader Reviews  |  The Avengers (1998) « previous next »
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Author Topic: The Avengers (1998)  (Read 184 times)
Trevor
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« on: May 12, 2014, 02:22:03 AM »

THE AVENGERS
WARNER BROTHERS 1998
 TeddyR TeddyR
TREVOR

THE CHARACTERS


JOHN STEED: RALPH FIENNES

British secret agent – so secret that he signs his name with an eraser – charged with the task of keeping Britain free from all enemies, including suspicious South Africans with noxious underpants.

DR EMMA PEEL: UMA THURMAN

Inventor of the Prospero Weather Shield, wearer of skintight cat suits and raiser of most red blooded men’s blood pressure to the point where Britain’s enemies raise the white flag in surrender after running said flag up an erect pole first.

SIR AUGUST DE WYNTER: SIR SEAN CONNERY

Weather obsessed loony multimillionaire who steals the world’s weather and expects said world to pay for it. Zotted by lightning.  

MUDDA: JIM BROADBENT

Wheelchair bound, chain-smoking and macaroon loving boss of the ministry who constantly takes calls from the Prime [Cookie] Monster which sound like someone struggling with acute constipation on the other end.

FADDA: FIONA SHAW

Hello mudda, hello fadda: Mother’s blind other half who works both for and against The Ministry. Fried medium rare.

ALICE: DAME EILEEN ATKINS

Trevor’s Mom in real life: a knife wielding, Tommy Gun toting agent who looks like a meek and mild nanny but acts like a combination of The Bride from Kill Bill, G I Jane and Princess Rubali from Gymkata.

BAILEY: EDDIE IZZARD

Sir August’s mute lackey: owner of a pair of cast iron cojones. His death scene is dragged out to the extent of taking a huge fall.

COLONEL I[NVISIBLE] JONES: PATRICK MACNEE

The Ministry’s almost invisible archivist who, despite his lack of visibility is the best thing about this sorry ass mess of a movie.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Everywhere you go, always take the weather, the weather with you….
Never, ever fart inside giant floating globes.
Bees loathe Jaguars.
Even when he is invisible, Patrick MacNee is still the best thing about this film.
There is always time for tea – even during a national crisis.
Some movie sequences are just unBEARABLE.
Cheating at croquet is just not cricket.

QUOTES

Sir August: “Steed! John Steed! What a horse’s arse of a name!”
Steed: “My pleasure, but the nuns were a surprise.”
Sir August: “Rain or shine, all is mine.”
Steed: “Umm…. manners, Mrs. Peel…”
Alice: “I hope he was a baddie.”
Flunky: “There’s always an enemy, Steed: you just have to know where to look.”
Alice: “We’ll all have to go to hell just to warm up.”
Sir August: “Any other business?”
Steed: “Play by the rules, Doctor or the game is nothing.”
Mudda: “You’re our prime suspect.”
Sir August: “Now is the winter of YOUR discontent.”
Alice: “Cheeky little bastard.”
Steed: “You’ll pay for that.”


THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR

2:48: These credits fly by so fast, you’d think the people listed were embarrassed.
3:26: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CONSTABLE!
3:35: Cue Herman’s Hermits: “No milk today, my love has gone away…..”
3:59: That nanny isn’t Mary Poppins or Mrs Doubtfire, rather Nanny MacPee.
4:03: Ah hah: Those are the morons that messed up my car in 2012.
4:20: Oh great: after all that, now he’s going to get run over too?
6:18: That was very good timing indeed.
7:00: My Mom would love this sequence: snooty gentlemen’s clubs getting clubbed in the face by feminism.
7:24: Ahhh! Naked man ass! Don’t get up!
8:09: If you can call all that crap I see out of the window a view, yes, it’s fine.
14:51: That is indeed dangerous but so is drinking tea while driving.
15:00: All that exhaust smoke comes from keeping the teapot warm 24/7.
17:00: Hey: I bought THE AVENGERS, not THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES!
26:00: This sequence is unbearable *COUGH*.
27:39: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TWO TEDDIES!
33:35: And your lungs are surrendering.
39:28: Those bees, hornets or whatever the hell they are don’t seem to like Jaguars.
41:18: LOL!

SECTION OF REVIEW MISSING DUE TO RUTHLESS WARNER BROTHERS STUDIO EDITING BY THE WARNER BROTHERS AND THEIR SISTER DOT

53:37: Is that Patrick MacNee? Great.
58:24: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE WORLD!
1:02:19: I think someone let me cut this sequence: what the hell happened to the rest of the film?
1:02:52: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST ADMIRAL NELSON!
1:04:55: Urgghh…kissing Uma Thurman…spew chunks….  Wink
1:11:12: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST EDDIE IZZARD’S COJONES!
1:21:47: I can’t believe that an ex Bond girl would sing such a terrible song!

THE PLOT

After being nearly brained by a falling flower pot, beaten by a truncheon wielding constable, bottled by a milkman, attacked by grease monkeys, almost turned into a shish-kebab by a knife wielding nanny, greeted by nuns and almost run over by a colleague, John Steed of The Ministry starts his day with a meeting with the enigmatically beautiful Dr Emma Peel.

There are serious problems in ol’ England: Dr Peel has invaded Boodle’s Gentlemen’s Club – no women allowed since 1762 -Mudda has no macaroons for tea, Steed is sitting kaalgat [naked] in the steam room of the club

DON’T GET UP DON’T GET UP DON’T GET UP DON’T GET UP
and the world’s weather is being outsourced to a madman, the plant loving, orgasmic-when-you-mention-the-names-of-the-clouds Sir August De Wynter. Investigations by Steed and Mrs. Peel – with time out for tea, naturally – show that Sir August is planning to take over the world’s weather and charge the world lots of moolah for it.

Several minutes of awful studio editing later, we find out that he has indeed made good on his pledge and via satellite, controls the world’s weather, sending down rain, ice, hail, snow and sharks onto the world’s unsuspecting cities, sending those cities’ citizens running away in terror from the cold, the heat and the snapping jaws.

Steed and Dr Peel launch a two person attack on Sir August’s mid-Thames hideout, making the loony billionaire’s stock drop (as happened to three of his henchmen) and bringing out the sun over London.



This             film          has                                                                                                                                

A                      great deal






                         Of scenes missing due to
         Ruthless                                studio                      editing          but                I Enjoyed it                                                                                                                                             nonetheless.

         I would like to                               see the               forty or so                     minutes                               that were cut out of it though.

I liked it. So there.  Wink TeddyR



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