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December 15, 2018, 06:08:56 PM
611866 Posts in 47242 Topics by 6300 Members
Latest Member: WinonaJhq Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Television  |  Bonekickers: "Warriors" (insanity) « previous next »
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Author Topic: Bonekickers: "Warriors" (insanity)  (Read 1049 times)
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 478
Posts: 3801

« on: October 31, 2015, 10:06:59 PM »

I just kind of stumbled across this on Youtube and, boy, is it crazy!

I'm not going to do a full review but just check out this plot:

The "bonekickers" are a team of British archaeologists who get called to "special" or controversial sites to figure out The Real Truth.  In this episode, they are tasked with discovering the origins of some bones that somebody found just outside Bristol.  The bones were in chains, and other material found with them suggests they date from at least ten years after the abolition of slavery in England.  The Bonekickers have to find out if somebody was still illegally practicing slavery in the British Isles.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama a black United States Senator tells his "contacts" in the UK to keep an eye on the case.

The Bonekickers eventually figure out the truth.  Are you ready?

No, really, are you ready?

During the late 1770s, there was a group of African slaves in England who discovered Excalibur (!!!!!!!) and used it to fight their way to freedom.  They fled across the Atlantic to the Colonies, which were having a little bit of a revolution going on, as you may be aware.  George Washington made a deal with the Africans: if they used Excalibur to win the Revolutionary War for him, he'd grant them half the North American continent as a reward. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  With the power of Excalibur, the Africans did indeed almost entirely single-handedly defeat the British.  This left George Washington in a pickle.  Sure, they kept their end of the bargain, but he didn't really expect them to be able to defeat the British, you know, and half the continent was a little much to be handing over.  So, he had them chained up and sent back to England.  On a ship crewed by about four people.  And he let them keep Excalibur.

Of course, the Africans managed to overcome the four or five guys crewing the ship.  They chained them up and tossed them overboard just outside of Bristol (a-ha!) and went into hiding.  Even though, you know, they would be free men in England, since slavery had been outlawed, so there really wasn't a reason to kill those guys and go into hiding.  Where did they go into hiding, you ask?

I must ask you again: are you ready?

They carried the ship inland (as in, over their heads like you would a couch), buried it in a hillside (with their bare f**king hands), planted some kind of weed that only grows in Virginia on top of the spot to mark it, then just kind of hung around in the buried ship until they all died.  (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

HOLY s**t.  Now THAT is some insane f**king plotting, man!  Whatever the screenwriter was smoking, I want some of that s**t!

Unfortunately, Excalibur was not among the skeletons in the ship.  The leader of the Bonekickers, a horribly unpleasant woman named Magwilde, is bummed about this because she's a huge Excalibur fangirl.

Remember Barack Obama that U.S. Senator I mentioned?  Well, turns out he's a direct descendant of the African who wielded Excalibur (!!!!!!!!), and he figures this story will virtually guarantee him the White House.  (And, I guess if he wanted to make a stink about it, he could try to claim HALF THE FREAKING CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA.)

The End.

I may have to try some more episodes of this show!

Kneel before Dr. Hell, the ruler of this world!
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

Karma: 239
Posts: 4528

« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2015, 05:00:13 PM »

While the show lasted only one season in 2008, there were actually 6 episodes of the show. Thus, there should be other episodes out there. Though, what you were talking about was the 2nd episode in the series. The 1st episode was "Army of God" in which a madman uses an archaeological find to re-start the Knights Templar and the Crusades. While not that controversial, when the show was 1st seen, it may be so controversial now, the episode may no longer be shown.

When I first saw the subject of the post, I actually thought it was for a reality show, where actual archaeological finds were used to highlight events in history. For example, Richard III of England, whose body was recently discovered, was known as "Crookback," and they found he actually had a crooked back or a severe curvature of the spine, which is believed to have taken 12 inches off of his height, if his spine had been normal.
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