I'M BACK!!!!!!!!

[indianasmith]

To make a long story short:
  Last Wednesday night a black Rolls Royce pulled up in my drive with a letter from the Pope activating my commission in the CBIA (unknown to most laymen, the Catholic Church and the Southern Baptist Convention established a joint intelligence agency in the 1970's) and calling me on an urgent mission: to rescue a lost episode of the original Star Trek series which contained the secret location where hostile aliens had hidden President Trump's brain (his skull is currently occupied by rancid jello pudding).  Anyhoo, the episode was being held in a compound in North Korea, heavily guarded by members of Kim Jong Un's Mansion Corps, all young women between the ages of 16 and 22 with perfect hair, figures, and teeth.  I stole a UFO from some friendly aliens near Area 51.2 (located approximately 200 miles east of Area 51), and dropped a boxload of Macy's gift cards outside the compound.  With the Mansion Corps all running for the border as fast as possible in a rush to purchase lingerie not made of canvas, I was able to slip inside and find the safe containing the precious episode.  I guessed the combination on the third try, one away from having the safe self destruct (fortunately, I had memorized Kim's waist size, IQ, and jock strap dimensions on a hunch before the mission).  I retrieved the episode, but saw to my dismay that it was in Betamax format.  The only surviving Betamax player in North America is in the Smithsonian under lock and key, and the map to the right warehouse space is inscribed on the back of the Magna Carta (the CBIA is allowed access on a time share basis with the NSA to H.G. Wells' time machine, but that's another story).  So after a flying trip to London, I was able to get the directions and locate the correct warehouse.  I nearly tripped over the Ark of the Covenant, which was still in the box I placed it in in 1983 after I found it under a trailer park in Spokane, Washington, before retrieving the Betamax player.  I watched the episode until I had all the dialogue memorized, then asked Dr. Who to run it through his Sonic Language analysis to pull up the star map to the alien world where Trump's brain was being held.  Then Captain Marvel gave me a ride to the distant star system, where I found the cannister with Trump's brain hidden among such treasures the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken and the diary of the one person who liked BUCKY LARSON.  I had to steal the Millenium Falcon to get back to earth because Marvel got called in to an Avengers staff meeting.  On the way home, I had C-3PO run an analysis of Trump's real brain.  I was so horrified by what I found that I placed the cannister in a photon torpedo and fired it into a nearby black hole.  Believe me, we're better off with the rancid jello!
  So then Chewie dropped me off on earth, but the Nav 'puter was messed up and I wound up in a remote province of China.  I caught a tramp steamer to Shanghai, swam over to a Japanese fishing trawler, then used my old Navy ID to break into the base at Yokosuka Japan, where I stole an F-14 from the deck of an aircraft carrier and flew back to Texas, where I bailed out over my house earlier this evening.

Anyway, that's why I haven't been posting on here.  Glad to see my FB algorithm kept all you guys fooled!

[Trevor]

To make a long story short:
  Last Wednesday night a black Rolls Royce pulled up in my drive with a letter from the Pope activating my commission in the CBIA (unknown to most laymen, the Catholic Church and the Southern Baptist Convention established a joint intelligence agency in the 1970's) and calling me on an urgent mission: to rescue a lost episode of the original Star Trek series which contained the secret location where hostile aliens had hidden President Trump's brain (his skull is currently occupied by rancid jello pudding).  Anyhoo, the episode was being held in a compound in North Korea, heavily guarded by members of Kim Jong Un's Mansion Corps, all young women between the ages of 16 and 22 with perfect hair, figures, and teeth.  I stole a UFO from some friendly aliens near Area 51.2 (located approximately 200 miles east of Area 51), and dropped a boxload of Macy's gift cards outside the compound.  With the Mansion Corps all running for the border as fast as possible in a rush to purchase lingerie not made of canvas, I was able to slip inside and find the safe containing the precious episode.  I guessed the combination on the third try, one away from having the safe self destruct (fortunately, I had memorized Kim's waist size, IQ, and jock strap dimensions on a hunch before the mission).  I retrieved the episode, but saw to my dismay that it was in Betamax format.  The only surviving Betamax player in North America is in the Smithsonian under lock and key, and the map to the right warehouse space is inscribed on the back of the Magna Carta (the CBIA is allowed access on a time share basis with the NSA to H.G. Wells' time machine, but that's another story).  So after a flying trip to London, I was able to get the directions and locate the correct warehouse.  I nearly tripped over the Ark of the Covenant, which was still in the box I placed it in in 1983 after I found it under a trailer park in Spokane, Washington, before retrieving the Betamax player.  I watched the episode until I had all the dialogue memorized, then asked Dr. Who to run it through his Sonic Language analysis to pull up the star map to the alien world where Trump's brain was being held.  Then Captain Marvel gave me a ride to the distant star system, where I found the cannister with Trump's brain hidden among such treasures the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken and the diary of the one person who liked BUCKY LARSON.  I had to steal the Millenium Falcon to get back to earth because Marvel got called in to an Avengers staff meeting.  On the way home, I had C-3PO run an analysis of Trump's real brain.  I was so horrified by what I found that I placed the cannister in a photon torpedo and fired it into a nearby black hole.  Believe me, we're better off with the rancid jello!
  So then Chewie dropped me off on earth, but the Nav 'puter was messed up and I wound up in a remote province of China.  I caught a tramp steamer to Shanghai, swam over to a Japanese fishing trawler, then used my old Navy ID to break into the base at Yokosuka Japan, where I stole an F-14 from the deck of an aircraft carrier and flew back to Texas, where I bailed out over my house earlier this evening.

Anyway, that's why I haven't been posting on here.  Glad to see my FB algorithm kept all you guys fooled!

 

So, no mention of me having something to do with you not being here? Dammit