RED SHIRTS: When your security forces jsu ain't cuttin' it.

[Flangepart]

Got a question.
Have you ever wondered where the average corperation/eviloverlord/military dictator gets his/her/its security forces...and have you ever felt sorry for the poor goobers?
They die like flies!
Imagin how hard it must be to get good help. The Mercenarys in Jurrasic Park 2 are prime examples, thought the "Mall Cops" in Die Hard  rate too.
How many times have you seen these guys run into a room where they just heard gun shots, or maby saw some of their fellow goobers get snuffed...it just boggles my mind.
I'd still love it, Andrew, if you could do an essay on "Stupid tactics for movie triggerpumpers"....i know. i know, but i can hope....
Realy. What is the dumbest thing you've ever seen one of these guys do? And...what would you like to see them do, for a change of pace if nothing else?

[Fearless Freep]

This reminds me again of
Evil Overlord, Inc

Particularly The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

excerpts regarding the troops:

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

[Scott0]

That's a great list of ideas. I've read it a couple of times before, but I still chuckle every time I read it. A really good conversation about the extra help of evil overlords takes place on Clerks the movie, where Dante, Randall and a construction worker are all talking about the responsibility of a hired hand aboard the Death Star while it is being rebuilt, and if it was wrong for them to have died when it was blown up again.

Scottie

[Deej]

I've watched many a movie featuring evil goons/minions/security. And here are some of the lapses in training/discipline/personal grooming that I've noticed:

COVER&CONCEALMENT:
a). Flangepart mentioned the red shirts. As the British learned during the Revolution and the Zulu Uprising, Red, while pretty, is poor camoflage. Very little terrain is actually red, very few interiors are painted red(aside from whorehouses), so the color red offers little in the way of concealment, it does, however, make for a fine target!

b.) Many evil goons/minions seem to subscribe to the "Charge of the Light Brigade" method of attack. It's a fact, goons are fond of rushing in headlong, walking in to enemy fire, and getting in front of the guns of their co-goons(crossing the pipe). The average adult male is around 5'10, that's a pretty big target, even as far away as 300 yards. By walking/running/moseying into your opponents fire, not only are you giving him/her the opportunity to sight in, the closer you get, the bigger a target you're presenting. A little ditty I learned as a wee, young devil-pup was "I'm up...he see's me...I'm down.". This is about a 3 second evolution from the time a goon rises from the prone positon, runs(Not walks) toward the good guy, then drops prone again, to sight in and put some rounds in the good guys direction. You could also try zig-zagging a bit, and maybe roll to one side when you hit the deck. Try to find bushes, mounds of dirt, or depressions in the ground, to hide behind or in. Basically, try not to be seen!

BASIC RULES FOR NOT GETTING F-ed UP:
a.)Evil goons/minions are big on bunching up. They enjoy the feeling of community they get from walking or riding in close proximity to the other evil goons/minions. While closeness is warm & comforting, it's also why evil goons/minions seem to be particulary vunerable to grenade or close quarters machine gun attacks. It looks cool when several goons are flying through the air, doing synchronized flips and screaming in unison, but it does little for the evil goon/minion cause! Spread out, fellas.

b.) Bottle necking. Evil goons/minions are not good at clearing a room. They prefer, instead to rush through a narrow door, usually 2 or 3 at a time, stumbling over the bodies of the goons/minions who went before, while the hero picks them off willy-nilly. Hey guys, try a 10 point check. Or, if you must rush into the room, after the first few through the door have been shot(and you know they will be), pull back, rethink, and try a different tac. Maybe a few grenades through the door? Um....try using an evil pack of attack dogs.

EVIL GOONS/MINIONS ARE POOR MARKSMEN:
a.) Evil goons prefer to fire their weapons at full auto, they even fire semi-automatic handguns at full auto, I don't know how, but they do. This is cool for clearing brush, or pinning down the villagers you're trying to force off their land. But, maybe,when trying to hit a static or even a moving target, try single, well aimed shots. You might be surprised at the results, and you'll save you're evil boss tons in ammo bills! If you just gotta go cyclic, try short, well aimed bursts. Not only are they more effective, if done in tandem with another evil goon/minion, they sound cool!

b.)Maintain Positive Control. Evil goons prefer firing handguns single handed, usually from the hip. They also tend to use what I call the "Bullwhip Technique". That is, using the forearm and wrist to fire the weapon as if cracking a bullwhip. Kinda like they're trying to throw rounds out of the weapon. Usually with poor results.

PICK YOUR FIGHTS:
Evil goons/minions are unequaled when it comes to intimidating villagers/old people/single mothers/corrupt local law enforcement. However, goons/minions seem singularly inept at going hand to hand with a "Hero" type. When physically abusing the weak and oppressed, they seem to be amazingly well trained fighters, but for some reason, it goes to hell when confronted by a hero. So, pick your fights. Stick to beating up the defenseless(they're called Defenseless for a reason) and leave the hero fighting to someone further up the chain, like a henchman or evil monster.

NOTE TO EVIL HUMAN RESOURCES:
Try testing potential evil goons/minions for visual and aural acuity. Evil goons/minions often don't hear doors opening, approaching footsteps, swords being unsheathed or hammers being cocked. This leads to sneak attacks on the evil goon/minion, which in turn leads to a high rate of turnover among goons/minions.  Evil goons/minions also seem to be unable to see the good guy hiding in the shadows, behind a door or under furniture. This also causes a great deal of attrition among goons/minions. Finally, goons/minions should be informed that if they absolutely must stop under a tree/air vent/ledge, while searching for the good guy, check it out first. Odds are, whatever tree/air vent/ledge you stop under, the good guy is waiting in it to jump down and do mischief to you. All it takes is an upward glance!

Just a few observations..Keep up the evil work!

[JohnL]

What I want to know is, when the heros sneak into the evil overlord's ship/palace/etc, why are there groups of guards just marching through the corridors? This happens a lot on Stargate; the team is sneaking down a corridor when they hear footsteps approaching and they have to hide behind a pillar as a squad of about 20 guys goes marching past. This same thing would look silly if it was set on a Navy ship...

[fireal]

Don't forget that they have to so bad at shooting they couldn't hit a bullet with the side of a barn!

[Flangepart]

Wow. Nice work Deej! I love Eviloverlord.inc, Freep, and i wish more screen writers would take it to heart....(sigh), but then they would have to WORK on a storyand ya' know....

[Fearless Freep]

I love Eviloverlord.inc, Freep, and i wish more screen writers would take it to heart....(sigh), but then they would have to WORK on a storyand ya' know....

I've always been intrigued with the idea of writing a story where the Evikl Overlord character obeyed that list.  Ya know, where the story doesn't require that the bad guy do something monumentally unwise.

[Deej]

The Evil Overlord list was pretty damned hilarious!!

[gammaray117]

You see a lot of this in James Bond. Like red, yellow, and white wouldn't stand out against grey stone walls. Or orange against snow. Blue against Fort Knox. Instead of camoflauge, they get a garish color that doesn't blend in at all. Meanwhile, the good guys get disguise. Those ninjas in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE were smart enough to wear grey. The only guy who even CONSIDERED camoflague was Blofeld with those guys in black.