Western cliches

[The Burgomaster]

1. There is always a side-kick who is either fat or has a limp.

2. There is always a pretty, middle-aged woman in town called "The Widow Johnson."

3. Anyone can be a deputy if they raise their right hand and say, "I solemnly swear to uphold the laws of the state of Texas."

4. There are only 5 towns in the entire country: "Laredo," "Carson City," "Tombstone," "El Paso," and "Dodge."

5. There is someone in the movie named after a state. "Montana," or "Colorado" or something.

6. All towns have the following buildings: saloon, hotel, whorehouse, sheriff's office, dry-goods store, undertaker, and barber shop.

7. No one ever works. They just hang around in one of the buildings listed above in #6.

8. There is always a band of outlaws in town that the sheriff cannot bring to justice. (Only John Wayne or Clint Eastwood is willing to stand up to them).

9. Strother Martin is in the cast.

10. People have one of the following last names: Anderson, Kincaid, McCoy, Johnson, or Tucker. No other last names are allowed.

11. Every town has at least one Mexican citizen and one Indian (NOT referred to as Native Americans . . . in those days they were called Indians).

12. All gamblers carry Derringers in their socks.

13. There are dozens of horses everywhere . . . but no flies or horse manure.

14. All saloons have a piano player. At some point in the movie, he will have to duck and a bullet will hit his piano.

15. Everyone's diet consists of beef jerky, beans, coffee, and apple pie.

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[Lee]

If there's a stagecoach it will probably get robbed.

The church bell will ring just before the mayhem starts.

The bad guy's bullet will miss the hero but hit his wife/girlfriend killing her.

[Damien]

1... Saloon has an endless supply of glass windows, bar side mirror, wooden table and chairs that are replaced from the last saloon fight.

2... Saloon fights start from hitting an old drunk with an elbow...

3... Dancers and whores are French Girls.

4... Gun fights happen at 12:00 noon.

5... Heros can shoot a bad guy in the back, anybody else is a two timing coward.

6... Breaking out of jail requires 1 horse and rope around the bars.

7... Outlaws (on the run) must travel from town to town.

8...  whenever comming or going to a town, a magic dog will appear just to bark at the horses.

9... When gambling, the hero will have a royal flush, or 5 aces.

[Deej]

"Smile When you call me that"

"Head 'em off at the pass"

Meanwhile.....back at the ranch

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us"

"Man's gotta do....what a man's gotta do"

[D]

-There will always be someone on top of the hotel/bar. They will never do anything, as they will be shot dead by the hero (or passing gang) and they will always fall screaming.
-All hookers have a heart of gold
-Everyone has nice teeth
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[Barry Fletcher]

Hello folks:

            The hero will always have a hidden past, that only the villain or his evil brother knows about.

             Every wanted poster will a picture of the villain on it.

             The cute Indian princess will always take the bullet or knife blade that is mean for the hero.

              The military forts are under siezed by the Indian who some reason do not want  to fight at night.

               Indians are poor fighters and can taken care by one white man with a six shooters or carbine rifle.  

                The civil war was caused by carpet-braggers and slavery had nothingn tio with it, since blacke were protray as being happy and contented slaves for the kind, loving southern masters.

                 Indians were alawys on the warpath tokill many  innocent white women and children. The right being a free people was not taken up until much later in the westerns.  The Indian troubles were the result of some big chief trying to make a name for himself among his fellow tribesmen.  It was never the issue of who own the land in the first place.


                The lone man/ outsider shall save the sheep herders from the evil cattle men empire.  Or the  settlers from the bad ranchers.

Sign:

Barry Fletcher
e4107773@yahoo.com

[Kev]

Oh, and let's not forget...

-When shot in front of any railing, all bad guys will fall forward, over the railing, taking most of the thing with him, no matter which direction he is shot in.

-The Indians will inevitably get their heads out of their asses and realize what a swell guy the hero is.

- Heroes always leave town at sunset.

- No matter how chaotic the situation, when the Sidekick nobly takes the bullet meant for the hero, there's always time for a lengthly death speech in which the Hero must always cradle the dying sidekick in his arms, again...no matter how chaotic the situation. Villians are forbidden to shoot the hero when this is happening.

- If the credits say "Starring Clint Eastwood", the western is going to kick ass.

- If the credits say "Starring Clint Howard", the western is going to suck.

- Mexicans are always filthy, drunk mercenary-like banditos who are always the bad guys. If this type of Mexican is a good guy, he will betray the hero near the end of the film.

- Never come between the hero and his horse.

- If there is a train in the movie, it will inevitably be robbed.