OT: Great story my friend told me

[wickednick]

My friend told me this story yesterday, about the time his dad and a friend accidentally bought a cow at the state fair. Im not sure how true this story is, but I have found that some of the most unbelievable stories are true. Also to help keep authenticity Im going to tell it pretty much as my friend did, so there will be lots of vulgarity in it.
It was 1978, my friends dad, Rick and his friend Dave were at the state fair. They were completely and totally f**king wasted, so when they happened to walk by the place were auctioning off the Blue Ribbon cow, they decided that for kicks they would join in the bidding for the cow. So Dave made his bid not realizing what the what the biding was up to.
Auctioneer "I have $21,000 going once, going twice, sold to the man in the brown shirt in the back"
Dave "Did I just buy that f**king cow! I just bought a cow for $21,000 dollars! Holy s**t what the f**k am I going to do with a cow"
So now they are stuck with a cow. The two have no way of getting it home, so after some thinking they decide to run out and rent a trailer. They manage to get the cow in the trailer and take it back to Daves bar were they tie it to a stop sign. They steal a couple of bails of hay from a neighbors farm and give it to the cow.
As they are standing around trying to think of what to do next, a cop comes around and pulls up to them.
Cop "Um, you can't have a farm animal tied to a stop sign"
Rick "Well were kinda stuck with it, dumbass here just bought it from the state fair"
The cop starts cracking up." How much did you buy it for"
Dave " f**king 21 grand. What the hell am I going to do with this f**king cow"
Cop "I don't know, but I can't let you leave it tied to the stop sign"
Dave "What the f**k are you going to about it then"
Cop thinks for a bit, gets out of the car pulls out his gun and shoots the cow. The cow tips over dead.
Dave "You just shot my f**king cow! My f**king $21,000 dollar cow! What the f**k am I going to do now with a dead $21,000 dollar, 2000 lb. cow."
Cop looks down at the cow, the hole in its head is still smoking and a rather large pool of blood is spreading across the ground. "Is there a butcher shop around?"
Rick looks up "What about Dick's Finer Foods?"
Dave "It's 2 in the f**king morning"
Rick "So wake his ass, unless you want to have a dead cow tied to a stop sign in front of your bar for the rest of the night."
................................................................................................
Dick "Hello?"
Dave "Hey Dick this Dave I need a favor"
Dick "Its two in the morning you a***ole! What the f**k are you waking me up for?"
Dave "I bought the Blue Ribbon cow from the state fair and...."
Dick "You did f**king what?! What the f**k possessed your stupid f**king ass to buy a cow?"
Dave "I was drunk all right. The cow is dead now and I need your help"
Dick "You got to be f**king kidding me. You killed the Blue Ribbon Cow."
Dave "I didn't kill the cow, a cop did. I need your help though."
Dick "First tell that cop he is a dumb f**k, second your a dumb f**k for waking me up expecting me to help. How the f**k am I supposed to help you?"
Dave "Your a butcher, do what you do best."
Dick "God damn't! All right come over, I'll see what I can do."
Rick, Dave and the cop are looking at the cow, trying to figure out how they are going to move a 2000 lb. cow. After some thought they decide to get a tow truck from a place nearby. They tie a rope to the legs of the cow and tie the other end the wench on the tow truck and wench it up on to the tire ramps.
So they drive the tow truck, the cop is leading in front, with a dead cow bouncing around on the tire ramps, 20 miles to the butchers shop. They pull into the alley, up to the butcher shop. Dick is standing outside p**sed as hell. They take the cow off the truck and try to drag it into the shop, but the door is too small and they can't get the full grown cow through. Dick tells them to wait a minute and runs back into the shop. A few minutes latter they hear a load RRRRRRRRRRRR! coming out of the shop. Dick comes running out with a chain-saw and wearing plastic garbage bags, looking like some crazed serial killer. He then proceeds to saw the cow straight down the middle, from head to ass. Blood and guts are flying all over, people are looking out there windows thinking that there must be some kind of murder going on, Rick, Dave and the cop are standing behind the tow truck trying not to get blood all over them selves.
After Dick is done they are able to drag the cow into the shop, and they then spend the next two hours cleaning up the mess in he alley.
The next day Dave is waken up by his phone ringing.
Dave "Hello?"
Man on phone "Hello, my name is Mark  and I'm from the Journal Sentinel. Im doing a report on the cow you bought yesterday at the auction. I would just like to know what plans you have for it."
Dave "The cow is f**king dead and I have a real bad hangover call me later."
Long silence on the phone just before Dave hangs up the reporter talks again "I'm sorry but I really have to get some information on this. How did the cow die?"
Dave "A cop shot it."
Mark "Um, OK. So what do you plan on doing with it now?"
Dave "I plan on making burgers out of it. You ever wanted to know $21,000 dollar cow tastes like. Burgers are 30 bucks."
The End
I hope you found it as funny as I did. My friend tells it better, but the story is so great I just had to tell it to you guys.

[onionhead]

"Burgers are 30 bucks."
ba-DUM-bum
Very funny!

[Velvet Brotha]

Damn Wicked, that was tooo funny. Sounds like it would be a great part for a film.

[Susan]

That's one whopper of a... fish tale. And just how did they end up paying for it? Did those auctions take check for 21K? ;-)

Here's a true story:
My uncle is a nurse in a children's ward and recently a 13 year old was brought in with a giant growth. At first they thought it was a tumor so they went in to remove it and discovered it was a twin. Often inutero there are twins and one fetus (or the mother) absorbs the other. I guess what happened was she didn't fully absorb it or did so after a certain stage in development. In any case puberty kicked in and hormones caused this dead "twin" inside her to grow. They knew it was not just a tumor when they found teeth and skull and all that in there.  I found that kind of creepy, that regular folks could just be walking around with a twin somewhere inside of them! Thought that a was b-movie appropriate story?



Post Edited (01-06-04 19:29)

[Velvet Brotha]

Gross.. but yes, it would make a really cool B story. ; )

[daveblackeye15]

Poor cow.
Funny story though. Are you sure he said 21,000 dollars?

[wickednick]

Yes he said 21k.Its probably not true but its still a really good story.

[JohnL]

I'm sorry, but I don't really find the idea of two drunken idiots buying a cow and then letting an idiot cop kill it, all that funny.

[Eirik]

"I'm sorry, but I don't really find the idea of two drunken idiots buying a cow and then letting an idiot cop kill it, all that funny."

To quote Sargeant Hulka from Stripes: Lighten up, Francis.  The story is obviously fiction and told for laughs...  and if you don't find it funny, how on Earth do you find the kind of things you see in most bad movies funny??

This story comes eerily close to a true story I was involved in...  Close enough in fact that I wonder if wykednick and I have a common friend.  Here's my story:

In Summer of 1992, six friends and I went to Maryland's Garret County Fair and we were pretty drunk (drunk enough to slog through tall grass and mud to avoid the $5 admission).  We eventually found ourselves in an auction tent and a goat was brought up onto the platform.  The auctioneer announced that the bidding would start at $1.25.  Being drunk and getting hungry, we all thought that $1.25 was damn cheap for goat burgers to last us the rest of the week, so we made several bids.  When the price was up to like $2.00, an old man sitting behind us tapped my friend on the shoulder and said: "You boys know that's $2.00 per pound, right?"  My friend asked him how mch it weighed and he said something well over 100lbs.  We immediately shut the hell up and held perfectly still for the duration of the bidding.
The goat sold for well over our last bid, but it still felt like a close call.

[Grumpy Guy]

Sounds like an Urban Legend.  What a fun story.

[Colt M1991A1]

It does indeed sound like an urban myth, or at least a bar joke, but it's still a good story nonetheless.

You can buy a goat or sheep here for $5 (I'm serious) from a Stock & Station agent, which gives me some hunting ideas...

[Velvet Brotha]

Which reminds me... Has anyone here ever had an Elk burger? They are the best, I kid you not! ; )

[Garfunkel75]

Cool story. Reminds me of one a mate of mine told me a while ago. This mate, John, used to live out in the country and one night after getting completely plastered in the local pub him and his mate, Steve, decided to take a short cut home over a farmer's field. They were stagering around all over the place, falling over and giggling, when Steve slips and nearly falls down a big hole in the ground. He calls John over to have a look at it and they realise it's an old well. This seemed like a great discovery and as boys will be boys (especially when they off their faces) they started finding stones to chuck down the well. The stones got bigger and bigger, then the stones turned into rocks, then Steve shouts "'ere look what I found" and comes waddling out of the darkness struggling under the weight of a huge boulder. "Cool" says John, "Go on chuck it in!" Steve carefully approaches the edge of the well, lines up the boulder and drops it straight down the middle of the opening. They both hold their breath and crane their heads waiting for the enormous splash that is bound to follow. Instead, to their puzzlement what they hear is a strange, very fast rattling sound. Looking around for the source of the sound John notices that there is a chain rapidily disappearing over the edge of the well, a split second later this followed by a strangulated bleating sound and a goat appears being dragged backwards, flat on its belly with a look of escualting panic on its face and disappeared arse first down the well.

Turns out that as the fence in the field was broken, the farmer had decided to chain the goat up for the night to a large rock to keep it from wandering off, until he could make the repairs in the morning. And this was the rock John and Steve had chucked down the well. Again, i can't vouch for the truth of this story, all I know is that i p**sed myself laughing when I heard it and it left my with a mental picture that stil makes me chuckle to this day.

[wickednick]

Hate to say it Garfunkel, but the story your friend told you is not true.Ive heard dozens of variations on that story.Its a good story, but its also a fish tale.

[JohnL]

>To quote Sargeant Hulka from Stripes: Lighten up, Francis. The story is
>obviously fiction and told for laughs... and if you don't find it funny, how on Earth
>do you find the kind of things you see in most bad movies funny??

Because you know those are fake. This is a story that, regardless of whether it really is or not, was told as a true story. Ok, I know it's probably not true, but even so, I just don't think it's that funny. The goat story is funnier, even though it would be sad if it were true.