Good Fences Make Good Neighbors: The Finale -- OT

[Eirik]

A few months back I posted an OT post about this jerk Bill who runs a neighborhood association on my street and got all bent out of shape when I decided not to comply with his neighborhood beautification plan proposed last winter.  He wanted me to spend thousands of dollars on landscaping, move my dish, and admonish my kids for leaving toys in the yard...  oh yeah, and he wanted me to murder the approximately one dozen squirrels that call my yard home.

Anyway, a lot of you guys responded to that so I figured I'd give you the update.  Many of the folks in the neighborhood did what Bill wanted them to do, and then some.  Bill's efforts in his own yard were much more modest than what most of the folks did.  The result was a much beautified neighborhood - which, according to Bill, has vastly improved all our property value.  Well, this week good old Bill posted a for sale sign on his front lawn.  Yep, that's why he felt the sudden urge to see property values rise at other peoples' expense.  One woman across the street from me who actually put in cherry blossom trees is livid.  Everyone pretty much feels like a big sucker -- well, except me and a few other "bad neighbors" who didn't conform to the plan.  I thought he was just a pushy jerk, but turns out he's an evil mastermind.  Who knew?

Bye, Bill.  We'll all miss you.

:)

[JohnL]

Time to have some fun with him; Wait until people come by to look at his house, then put on a dirty tank top, ragged shorts, eat some licorish(sp?) so that you get the black all over your teeth, and walk over to greet them with a beer in your hand and a six-pack in the other, carried by by the empty ring on the plastic holder. Do your best Cousin Eddie impression. Scream across the street for "the little woman" to get off her butt and meet the new people. Get some of the neighbors who are p**sed at him to help you out. Maybe one of them could start a screaming match with their mate while you chuckle and say "Wowee, that's almost as loud as they got last night!" Maybe get some of the neighborhood teens, dress them up like gang members and have them show a little too much interest in the prospective buyers' car.

I know you'd all probably be happier with him gone, but I think if it was me, sticking it to this jerk would just be too great a temptation.

[AndyC]

It all adds up now. I never thought those changes would raise anyone's property values enought to pay for themselves. Turns out they didn't have to. Bill had a very workable plan after all, albeit a really scummy one. But, it goes to show guys like that are always out for themselves. We just mistakenly took him for one of the ones who have at least convinced themselves its for the common good.

The great thing about people like this is that no matter how many people they fool, and how bad you look for going against them, you will always get a chance to say "I told you so" in the end. Savour it, my friend.

[The Burgomaster]

Greed.  One of the Seven Deadly Sins.  Maybe you can hire Kevin Spacey to go over and cut your neighbor's head off.  Just a thought.

[Dave Munger]

I always wondered why people who aren't planning to sell would want high property values. Dosen't that just make your taxes go up? Wonder if making your values go down would be worthwhile, by starting a rat farm or something.

[Eirik]

Yeah!  I'll offer them one of my beers and if they accept, I'll hand them the one I'm drinking and open a new one for myself.  Cousin Eddie rocks!

[daveblackeye15]

JohnL:< Time to have some fun with him; Wait until people come by to look at his house, then put on a dirty tank top, ragged shorts, eat some licorish(sp?) so that you get the black all over your teeth, and walk over to greet them with a beer in your hand and a six-pack in the other, carried by by the empty ring on the plastic holder. Do your best Cousin Eddie impression. Scream across the street for "the little woman" to get off her butt and meet the new people. Get some of the neighbors who are p**sed at him to help you out. Maybe one of them could start a screaming match with their mate while you chuckle and say "Wowee, that's almost as loud as they got last night!" Maybe get some of the neighborhood teens, dress them up like gang members and have them show a little too much interest in the prospective buyers' car.

I know you'd all probably be happier with him gone, but I think if it was me, sticking it to this jerk would just be too great a temptation.>

Gee hee hee hee (devilish chuckle) what a devilishly funny plan! That @$$hole has got to pay! I mean as in something bad happens to him. JohnL's plan is just the opening act.

[Ash]

Dump raw sewage outside and while holding up your beer yell at them, "s**tter was full!"

[IguanaGirl]

You should take as many dogs as you can find for a long walk on his lawn, untill they all leave presents for prospective buyers to step in, also unless he cleans it upstraight away it will leave little patches of dead grass all over the lawn. Im sure it will look just beautiful then.

[Prophet Tenebrae]

Just get some kids to fake gunshot wounds and then run around the street when he's got some people viewing and shout "I've been shot! My god, I've been shot." or maybe get them to go up to people and offer them fictious substances like "louse weed" or "ferret weed", possibly even "shoe dust".

[JohnL]

>Yeah! I'll offer them one of my beers and if they accept, I'll hand them the one I'm
>drinking and open a new one for myself. Cousin Eddie rocks!

That's the spirit! :)

Also, make sure to ask Bill if he got that fungus/termite/roach problem taken care of. When he tries to deny it, play dumb and keep insisting that he mentioned it just a month or two ago. If you're lucky, he'll get all flustered and end up looking guilty enough that the buyers think's he's lying. Even if he doesn't, it'll plant the seeds of doubt in their minds and might just cost him a little off his asking price.

>upstraight away it will leave little patches of dead grass all over the lawn. Im sure
>it will look just beautiful then.

A bottle of bleach would be easier and faster. Maybe in the shape of some demonic symbols...



Post Edited (08-10-04 22:48)

[Susan]

Pink flamingos all around the perimeters of the yard might be a nice touch...and a few empty beercans

[JohnL]

See if you can find some roadkill for decorating the neighborhood with.