really bad videos that AREN'T movies!

[the gooch]

I bought CHARO DOES THE MACARENA for .99  somewhere. It's exactly what you'd think (or fear). Charo running around miami doing the macarena.

I got this to spring on someone as a "gift." However, i suspect i'll never part with it. It is the WORST VIDEO THAT ISN'T A MOVIE that i own.

I also own RADON A HOMEOWNER'S GUIDE hosted by Sgt. Stan Jablonski from "hill street blues." Never watched any of it though.

What are some really bad videos that aren't movies? Didn't Mr. T do a "say no to drugs" video?

[Mofo Rising]

Mr. T did indeed make a movie called BE SOMEBODY. . . OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL.  It's one of my proudest possessions.

What it is, it's like one of those afterschool specials.  Mr. T has a variety of sketches in which he teaches kids about important things, like dealing with frustration, speaking up for yourself, breakdancing, terrible eighties fashion, and peer pressure.

That peer pressure one is sheer genius.  A bunch of kids are walking along a pier, when one of them finds a beer (yes, ONE beer) and a pack of cigarettes in the garbage.  They then proceed to smoke and drink, all except for this one fat kid, who doesn't want to.  Then New Edition show up to sing their song "Peer Pressure" while the rest of the kids practically dry hump the kid to get him to smoke and drink.  "Peer pressure/ peer pressure/ you don't have to follow their lead. . ."  The kid finally sees Mr. T giving him the sign to not give in, which gives him the strength to storm out of there.  Then the rest of the kids stand around feeling bad.  Sweet!  I'm never drinking alcohol!  (Wait, I got drunk last Saturday.  Oh well.)

Usually I wax ecstatic about BE SOMEBODY. . . OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL, but I just woke up.  Trust me, if you ever get the chance to watch this or buy it, don't skip out.

[the gooch]

aha...this is what i'm talking about...stuff like this or that crazy
star wars special that came out so long ago...there's gotta be
tons of stuff like that out there...but not on par with the Mr. T stuff...
god bless the T-man...in a broader sense this includes stuff like
the OJ-released "set the record straight" video...isn't there a video
out there with shatner and nemoy discussing stuff from the old days
(and where rumor has it shatner lets one rip)?

speaking off topic---but on T---did you catch the SNL funhouse
rip on the Mr. T cartoon? it had him taking on an
acting job in a tampon commercial during the actors' strike.
there is nothing funnier than that voice with a cartoon T.
i pity the foo.

[Andrew]

"U.S.S. V.D. Ship Of Shame" - hehehehe!

The terrible thing is that they still make "STD Education" films kinda like this for us.  I lost count of the times I watched one that had various people with the later stages of gonorrhea or genital warts.

Andrew

[Vermin Boy]

Haven't seen it, but there's a video in the bargain bin of my local Record Town that apparently features Pat Morita as Paul Revere.

Also, not really bad, but definitely b-movie-ish is "Zabagabee: The Best of Barnes & Barnes." It's basically a collection of incredibly bizarre low-budget music videos by Barnes & Barnes (singers of "Fish Heads"), which interestingly enough feature early appearances by Bill Paxton, Teri Hatcher, and Miguel Ferrer. Between the videos are appearances by a VERY eclectic group of celebrities (Steven Stills, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Woody Herman, Shirley Jones, Booji Boy from Devo, and the band America, to name a few) giving deadpan testimonials about their "experiences" with the band, my favorites being David Cassidy admitting that they were locked in his closet for three years, and Dr. Demento describing their performance at Woodstock ("Those were the days! Before the accident!"). Very odd stuff.

[Abby]

First, I adore old-school Hygiene films -- I have a Something Weird compilation that rocks my socks.

One of the most surreal viewing experiences was a tape a friend of mine had --  his college roommate interned at "The Price Is Right." He videotaped some model auditions when he worked there, and he snuck out copies of the auditions before he left (he later edited the best bits into an hour-long montage). Imagine: clip after clip of really dumb, talentless, and often unattractive women pointing at refrigerators, dropping price cards, -- and tripping over electrical cords. One girl burst into tears because the producer said she didn't look into the camera enough. Insane stuff.

I also have a much-loved collection of southern-fried home-grown featurettes, including the brilliant "Fun With Guns" video as well as "Roadkill Laundromat."

[victor]

....have you been subjected to any of the government's sexual harrassment vids, andrew?  one of the most hilarious videos-not-movie i've ever seen was a prevention of sexual harrassment video.  it went on and on about how you shouldn't flirt/look/touch/think about/talk to/acknowledge the presence of the opposite sex at work.  the funny part was that the video was a collection of short skits in which terribly amateur actors (think: local news anchors with extra time on their hands) demonstrated how *not* to act.  the scenes ranged from coworkers surfing for pr0n in a cubicle to bosses gratuitously asking for sex to a guy telling a passing-by woman "you're foxy."  absolutely hilarious.  a definite must see.

victor

[the gooch]

ahh...this is all what i mean...

here about two years back we had a cable access show called...
something along the lines of "models on parade"...

it was always sexist hosted by some really greasy old balding
buys but the real low hit when they had a hoola hoop competition.

and this always took place in a really chinzty holiday inn
conference room...

[Will]

My favorite piece in my collection is a video Traci Lords did post-porn pre-legit film.  It's an exercise video called Warm Up With Traci Lords, featuring very....interesting camera angles and a soundtrack that includes Traci rapping.  It's wondrous.

[Scott Davis]

Mine are the Captian Power Greatest Hits video, and the Power Rangers in 3D, complete with crappy 3d glasses that don't work!!

[Dave]

  I'v worked in the grocery biz for awhile now and ANY 'orientation' videos made for that industry qualifies. When I was in college, I'd try to swipe as many as possible. Still have a few. The best was a primer on bagging groceries done as a musical incorporating about 6 styles. (rap, country, and even hair-metal). Priceless stuff.

[Flangepart]

I work for the local newsrag. Boy, you haven't lived, till you have the steel spikes of a customer relations video driven into your brain. Weather baggin' groceries, or baggin' customers, it don't stop hurtin' till the fat lady turns on the lights. The Customers always right MY GALAXY SPANNING ASS!

[Vermin Boy]

I just remembered a great video I saw in driver's ed. According to the state trooper who brought it in, it was made for the Michigan RMV (or some other such organization), but was rejected for being "too lame." The film featured a group of "cool" teens going to a barbeque, and discussing traffic safety around semi-trucks. In between music videos. It was possibly THE DUMBEST attempt to be "cool" and "with it" I've ever seen, and keep in mind that I was subjected to the children's programming of the late 80s/early 90s. By far the most memorable moment was the "No-Zone Rap," an incredibly white rap number about trucks' blind spots. The refrain is burned in my mind: "No-Zone! Don't hang out in the No-Zone!... No-Zone! Best stay out of the No-Zone!" (For best effect, over-enunciate every word). The last line was a knock-out, too: (said directly into the camera) "So chill out, yo. Have a hot dog!"

[Neville]

Ha, ha! I also remember one specially lame myself. Not a video, but a TV special collecting the silliest scenes from a japanese show, I think it was called "Endurance", and was re-named as "Yellow humour". To make things better, the narrators had been drinking hard, so the "dubbed" dialogues and voiceover had little to do with what we saw on the screen. On the top of it, one of the TV hosts was "Beat" Takeshi Kitano (!) dressed up as a samurai (!!!), and the trials the people had to endure were as hilarious as trying not to be avoided by giant Bowling balls, cross bridges under fire of basketball balls, crossing a maze guarded by a "monster" who threw them to the water, surviving earthquakes inside of fake houses, etc. etc. Definitely a "must-have" in these ashaming collection of horrors.

[Jonno]

Hi,

The series that you'r on about  is called "Takeshi's Castle", by the sound of it. For other Europe dwellers like me, it can be found two or three times a day on the German station "DSF".

It really is a fantastic show. :)

Jonno