The truly terrible joke thread

[judge death]

Why don't police in Alabama read black suspects their rights?

In Alabama black suspects don't have rights and the police can't read.

[Chainsawmidget]

A rookie police officer was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a lieutenant on the police force already covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to a fancy dress ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'That's life and I suppose there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "Never to book a judge by his cover."





Okay okay.  I got another one.




A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. 

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

[Javakoala]

Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

[Derf]

Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Good to see you back, JK!

And now a joke(ish):

Q: What do you call an Irish mother who has just caught her three sons doing something they shouldn't be doing?

A: A multi-tisker (tisk, tisk, tisk).

[Silverlady]

Tommy needs a day off from work, but has used up his usual arsenal of excuses. So, he decides to try something different.
He calls work and says he won't be in as he has a bad case of anal glaucoma.
There is silence on the other end as his boss asks him just what anal glaucoma is ... to which he replys, " I can't see my butt coming into work today."



In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you push your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a) murder?
b) suicide?
c) Merely making an obscene clone fall?

[Joe the Destroyer]

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
His pecker is on his head.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the s**t out of the dog.

Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?
He's all right now.

How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
Fill it with gas.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

How many people does it take to wallpaper a room?
Two, if they're thinly sliced

"One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an a***ole.'"
-Demetri Martin

[Derf]

Q: What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?



A: A gummy bear!

[diamondwaspvenom]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh** inside!"

[Mr. DS]

Whats a spider's favorite meal?

Corn on the cobweb

[retrorussell]

A drunk man at a bar vomits all over himself.  Embarrassed by what he's done, he laments to the bartender, "Oh, my God.. I just puked all over myself.  When I get home, my wife is going to kill me!"
The bartender puts his arm around the man and says, "Don't worry.  I have an idea.  Put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket and when you get home, tell her someone ELSE puked on you, and they gave you 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The man thanks him and heads home.  When he arrives, he tells his wife, "I'm so sorry honey.. this guy puked all over me today.  But he gave me 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The wife looks closely at the money and says, "But that's a 20 dollar bill."
He says, "Oh yeah, I forgot.  He gave me an extra 10 bucks because he sh*t in my pants, too."

[BTM]

Did you hear on the next ep of Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe is going to clean up the Discovery Channel's office?

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

A man was dragging a chain in the streets all around town.

The sheriff stopped him and asked why he was dragging the chain.

The man replied, "Have you ever tried pushing a chain?"

[diamondwaspvenom]

These are the words of an old man being nostalgic for the early years:

"Back in my day, with $3, you could go to the supermarket and get a bag of potatoes, three cartons of milk, a candy bar and a whole turkey.

I also remember there being no video-cameras back then."

[Leah]

You know what's a truly terrible joke?

THIS IS!

[BTM]

Okay, going to need help with this one.

A lot of people think snow and ice are bad, but you know what's worse?  Slew!

(waits for a reply)