The truly terrible joke thread

[Trevor]

Well, begorrah! I always thought I was African, now I see I'm Irish. 

[Leah]

Diarrhea is heredity, as it runs in your jeans.

[diamondwaspvenom]

What do you call a bassist who plays with a distorted tone?

A lazy guitarist.

What do you throw a drowning bassist?

His amp.

What's the difference between pizza and a bassist?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a bassist, the other didn't have any money either.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind the train?

Why are there four strings on a bass?

Three are spares.

[retrorussell]

Dad comes home from a hunting trip and cooks deer for the family.
"What is it?" the son asks when he puts it on the table.
"I'll give you a hint.. it's something your mom calls me."
The son yells, "Don't eat it; it's an a**hole!!!".

[sprite75]

One day after services a visitor to a parish stopped to talk to the priest as he was leaving.  He said, "Father that was a damn good homily!"

"Thank you my son," the priest replied, "but there is no reason to swear in God's house."

"But father, that was one godd**n good homily," the visitor replied.

The priest replied, "I must ask you my son not to swear in God's house."

"Ok," the visitor said.  "But I was so impressed with the excellent homily you gave I put a check for $10,000 in the collection basket!"

"No s**t?" the priest then said.

[bob]

What do two snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.

[Alex]

A family called the Hills win first prize in a competition for a tour round Europe. There is mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill. Eventually their trip takes them to Transylvania where on a dark and stormy night the car breaks down. "No problem", explains daddy Hill, "I saw a castle a few miles back, we can just hike back to it and see if they have a phone."

So mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill head back to the dark castle and knock on the door. It is answered by an elderly aristocratic man who on hearing their problems tells them while he has no phone, they are welcome to come in and stay the night. The Hills gratefully accept and when their host invites them down for a meal they meet him in the castles great hall. A veritable feast is laid out for them, but they don't notice their host doesn't eat any. With some stangled noise ack noises the Hills fall down dead, poisoned.

With an evil chuckle, their vampiric host runs over and drinks blood from the three of them, then goes over to play on his organ. Cackling maniacally as he plays 'O Fortuna', he doesn't hear or realise someone is moving behind him, until a broken off chair leg is shoved into his back, impaling his heart. As he falls off his stool, he see's the Hills standing behind him and gasps "But.... how..? I poisoned you and drained your blood!"

Daddy Hill spreads his arms wide and says "The Hills are alive with the sound of music."

My geography teacher told me that joke when I was 12. 29 years later I still haven't forgiven him.

[ER]

Two pastors were taking a summertime canoe trip together, when their canoe tipped over and they were dunked into the lake.

They managed to swim to shore and stripped off their clothes and hung them to dry on some nearby branches.

But no sooner were they in their birthday suits, however, than Silver Sisters Hiking Club, composed of elderly women from both their congregations, came walking by.

Chagrined,  the two pastors took off running naked into the woods. One pastor covered his privates, the other his face, fleeing the shrieks, gasps and (shamefully enough) wolf whistles from the gawking seniors.

When they were safely concealed in the forest, the pastor who had hidden his privates asked his friend why he'd hidden his face.

"Well," said that minister, "I don't know what's going on over at your church, but where I come from it's my face that I'm known by!"

[retrorussell]

2 deceased women meet in heaven.

The first asks the second, "How did you die?"

The 2nd replies, "I froze to death.  You?"

The 1st says, "Heart attack.  I suspected my husband of cheating and ran all over the house looking for the other woman.  I checked the attic, all the closets, under all the beds-- nothing!  Finally, when I got to the den, I saw my husband just sitting in his easy chair watching tv, so he must not have cheated after all.  I collapsed and died, so here I am."

The 2nd says, "Well, if you'd checked the freezer, we'd both be alive right now!"

[bob]

What did the baby computer call it's father?

Data

[Trevor]

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time-consuming. 

[sprite75]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p**s off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[ER]

Sadist and a masochist walk into a bar.

"Hurt me!' screams the masochist.

"No," replies the sadist.

[sprite75]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Wal-Mart joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Wal-Mart associate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he also works for Wal-Mart. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and yes he also works for Wal-Mart.  We all spend eight hours a day lifting heavy stuff.  Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

[sprite75]

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"