The truly terrible joke thread

[Leah]

I held open the door for a clown. It was a nice jester

I had some food coloring, I think I dyed inside.

I don't fear condiments on my food, I relish it.

Dry erase board? That's remarkable!

[ER]

Bunch of insects are playing football. It's tied until at the last second the thousand-legger runs in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild.

It takes twenty minutes for him to get off the field to the locker room. "Why you so late?" his coach asks.

"Sorry," said the thousand-legger, "I was in the bleachers giving my dad high fives."

[ER]

In honor of her dead body appearing in a tabloid this week, proving not even death can keep the woman out of the headlines, how about some assorted Joan Rivers' punchlines to remember her by?


"And only THEN did Truman Capote change the sheets...."

"The b***h wasn't brave, the b***h was lazy!"

"Not in my lifetime, Marty."

"Winnie the s**t."

"Roll them in baby powder and go for where it sticks."

"Because, stupid, unlike the others, Republican professors don't exist."

"Tracy Morgan! Oh...too soon? James Dean's car then..."

" 'Yeah,' the child molester said, 'and I have to walk out of her here alone.' "

"That audience was so goy, even the women had foreskins!"

"Worse than Anne Frank's dating choices!"

"Roger Ebert's a worse theater critic than Mrs. Lincoln."

"When she comes to dinner you don't have to slice the pizza!"

"They gave me an abandoned refrigerator to play in."

"Taking Helen Keller anywhere was the pits; she never shut up about the running water thing...."



Damn, she was great. Why did Obama have to murder her?

[ER]

And for the road, one I think Joan Rivers would have liked....

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary to cheer her up? "Take heart, honey, they elected Nelson Mandela president after he got out of prison..."

[Gene Worm]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[Dennis]

Two grandmothers who were next door neighbors till one moved to the other side of town run into each other at a restaurant one year after they were separated and have the following conversation.
Carol: So Evelyn what's going on with you?
Evelyn: Well you know my grandson Michael just got a full academic scholarship to MIT.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: And my son David got a promotion to CEO and a $100,000.00 bonus, so he's taking me to Jamaica with his family for the holidays.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: and my granddaughter Mary just married a doctor and the moved into a 10,000 square foot mansion.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: So what's been going on with you?
Carol: I've been seeing a therapist.
Evelyn: Why would you need to do that?
Carol: He's been improving my speech, now I say fantastic instead of BULLS**T!!
 

[sprite75]

What sort of hole does one bury a donkey in?

An a***ole!

[cqmorrell]

What do you call a black man on the moon?
...
An astronaut. Are you racist?

[Derf]

My daughter sent me this Skyrim-related one last night:

The best armor for sneaking around in is leather, because it's entirely made of hide.

[Trevor]

Ever seen a reptile eating a pizza?

It's not only great, it's turtally awesome. 

[Flangepart]

"Old man is walkin' down the road, sees a young fellow looking under the bonnet of his car. Asks 'what's wrong?"
"Young fellow says, "ah, piston broke."
"Old may says 'That's just how I feel."

[Rev. Powell]

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, "Use the forks, Luke."

[AoTFan]

What brand of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Why don't lobster contribute to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

[ER]

Back during the Cold War, an African dictator visiting the Kremlin was wined and dined until the end of the night, when his hosts told him it was a custom that the guest of honor play Russian Roulette. Not wishing to offend and knowing the odds of the pistol going off were but one in six, the brave African put the gun to his head, pulled the trigger and...CLICK! All was well.

Flash forward a year and one of the Soviet diplomats was visiting the dictator in his own nation. The African remembered well his night in Moscow and wined and dined the Russian, showing him the best time of his life, until the moment came the African told the Russian that his people, too, had a custom it would be impolite to refuse. He clapped his hands and six lovely young tribal women came out and stood before the Russian visitor.

"It is a custom here that you choose one of these six to give you oral pleasure," the President told his guest.

"What a wonderful custom!" the Russian exclaimed.

"Yes," the African dictator agreed, "except did I mention one of them is a cannibal?"

[ER]

One day a dumb blonde got notice that unless she came up with $800.00 worth of late payments, the bank was going to repossess her sports car.

Desperate, she hatched a plot she considered full-proof, she would kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. So the blonde drove to a playground and grabbed the first kid she saw. She took him to her car and wrote a ransom note that read, "Attention, I have kidnapped your little boy! Put $800.00 in a paper bag and leave it under the slide first thing tomorrow morning. Signed: A Blonde"

She then pinned the note to the little boy's jacket...and sent him home.

The next day the blonde eagerly drove to the playground and sure enough there was an envelope with $800.00 waiting for her under the slide, and inside was a note that said: "You evil slime, how could you do this to a fellow blonde???!!!"