The truly terrible joke thread

[Rev. Powell]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will make himself disappear at the count of 3. "Uno," he says. "Dos," he says.

*Poof*!

He disappears without a tres.

[ER]

Cheetah little, and soon you're a lion big.

(Oh, well, my kids think it's hilarious.)

[Allhallowsday]

Caitlyn Jenner is going to be in the Olympics!!  She will be competing in just one event.  The broad jump. 

 

[AoTFan]

What type of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

Sanka.

[Allhallowsday]

You sure it wasn't STANKA?

[indianasmith]

In Massachusetts, authorities noticed that a large number of crows have been dying on the road.
By planting game cameras, they were able to see that 95% of the deceased crows were killed by trucks, and only 5% by cars.  The state government commissioned a study to see why this was.
Five million dollars later, scientists came to two conclusions:
1.  Crows post a watch when feeding along the highways to warn them of approaching danger.
2.  However, while all crows can say "CAH!!!", none were able to yell: "Truck!!"   

[AoTFan]

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three.  The rest are true stories.

[ER]

Once a miser lay on his deathbed, and was so determined to take his ill-gotten fortune with him that he summoned his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer, and gave them each a bulging sack of gold coins, and made them swear that when he died they'd put their sack of gold in the grave with him.

Well the old tightwad died soon after, and the three met at his graveside.

First the priest stepped up and tossed in his sack of gold, but looking ashamed he said, "I must admit, it seemed such a waste to bury so much money that I took part of it and used it for a new wing at the parish orphanage."

The doctor too tossed his sack of gold into the grave and said, "I'm embarrassed to say I didn't keep my word either, Father, because I couldn't help but think of the good that money could do, so I gave half my share to a research college that's trying to cure cancer."

Then it was the lawyer's turn to step forward and he said, "Gentlemen, I am truly ashamed of both of you. Our mutual client entrusted us with his entire fortune, and we gave our words we'd carry out his wishes and put the money into the grave with him."

"You mean," asked the priest, "that of the three of us it was you, a lawyer, who proved most trustworthy?"

"You didn't take any of it?" demanded the doctor, incredulously.

"Not one thin dime," the lawyer said solemnly, as he opened his wallet and dropped something into the grave. "As you see I just put in 100% of my share, via my personal check...."

[AoTFan]

One time I got so depressed I decided to off myself.  I tried to do that thing where you start the car and let the fumes overtake you.  Problem is, it turns out that works best when you're in an enclosed environment, like a garage.  I was in a indoor mall parking lot and it was taking FOREVER.  I had snacks, couple books to read... sitting there all day, waiting for something to happen.  People were walking by saying stuff, "Hey, Mike, how's that suicide attempt going?"  
"Ahhh, really slow!"  "Well, keep at it, you'll succeed eventually."  

"Okay!  Thanks mom!"

[ER]

One day after church a child asked her mommy, "Is God a man or a woman?"

"God is both a man and a woman," answered the mother.

"Well, is God black or white?" the little girl inquired.

"God is both black and white," the mom told her.

The child thought about this for a second and asked, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

[ER]

On the opening day of school a first-grade teacher asked her students to tell what they had done over the summer.


"I rode a choo-choo," said one little boy.


"No," said the teacher, "you're not a kindergartner anymore, you're a big first grader, so you're all going to start using grown-up words. You didn't ride a choo-choo, you rode a train."


She asked a little girl how she'd spent her summer.


"We went to Florida and visited my Maw-maw," the little girl stated.


"No," the teacher said, "you visited your grandma, not your maw-maw. Remember class, you're not babies anymore, so use grown-up words." She then asked another little boy how he'd spent his summer."


"I read books," the little boy told her.


"How nice!" the teacher gushed. "And what book did you like best?"


It was on the tip of the little boy's tongue to tell her, then he remembered what she'd said about not using baby talk anymore. So with pride he blurted out, "My favorite was Winnie the s**t!"

[Rev. Powell]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean!

[AoTFan]

What do you call a black guy on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist bastard!

[Leah]

A witch doctor put a curse on my boomerang. Im sure it will come back and haunt me.

[AoTFan]

It's hard in a situation like yet another shooting to find anything positive about it, but I found one thing: At least the news isn't talking about that damn gorilla anymore...