The truly terrible joke thread

[Leah]

I used to have a problem with deli meat. My doctor told me to quit cold turkey.


An Eglishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are watching a magician perform a disappearing act. When the magician asks them if they can still see him, they respond as followed:
Yes
Oui
Sí
Ja

[AoTFan]

What's a bigamist?

Italian Fog.

(Ay big ah mist!)

[ER]

I have to help proliferate this "TRULY" truly terrible joke, since my friend Rob says he thought it up and seems rather, uh, proud of it.


A bar walks into a guy.

"Hey, I think you're telling this joke wrong," said the guy.

The bar answered, "Not in Bizarro World, Superman."

[ER]

A traveling salesman went into a brothel, laid down a grand and said, "For the next fifteen minutes, give me the least skilled woman you have here."

The Madam said, "Sir, for a thousand dollars for fifteen minutes you can have the best in the house."

"No, lady," the salesman said, "I'll take the worst, because I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[Chainsawmidget]

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?  "Aye Matey."

[AoTFan]

Never fart in the Apple/Ipod store.  Why?  Because they don't have Windows.

[ER]

A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, my privates are swollen and red and they hurt all the time."

The doctor had a look, saw the man was right about that area being red and inflammed, so he asked, "Have you been hit in the groin lately?"

"Well," the man said, "I got fired about three months ago for getting into a brawl with my supervisor, who tried to kick me in the crotch, but I blocked it, so no."

"Well," the doctor tried again, "have you perhaps had relations lately with anyone you didn't know too well?"

"No," said the man, "since I got divorced after losing my job, I haven't been with anyone."

"Huh," said the doctor, "sometimes stress affects the body in strange ways, and losing your job and getting divorced might be stressful enough to turn your privates red, sore, and swollen. Would you say you've felt stressed out lately."

"Nah," the man said, "no stress whatsoever. Why since I got divorced and lost my job, all I do is sit around all day and relax and watch porn, nonstop....."

[Leah]

A koala bear is sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A lizard walks pass and looks up, asking the koala what he's doing. The koala said he smoking and asks the lizard to join him. So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and have a joint. After a while the lizard gets "desert mouth" and goes to the riverbed for a drink. The lizard, being stoned out of his mind, falls in the  river. A crocodile nearby sees this and helps the lizard out of the water. The crocodile asks the lizard what's the matter with him, so the lizard explains how he met up with the koala and had a joint. The crocodile said that he has to go see this and goes to the tree where the koala is. The crocodile yells "HEY KOALA!" and the koala looks down and said "f**k dude, how much did you drink?"

[ER]

My Uncle Lark told me this at his Kentucky Derby party, so I have to proliferate it.



A man from Alabama dies and is depressed to find himself in Hell.

"Why so down?" his neighbor in Hades, a New Yorker, asks.

"Uh, I'm in Hell???" the man from 'Bama answers.

"No, Hell is awesome," the New Yorker tells him. "Do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," the Alabama man says. "I like my beer and whisky."

"Great! Why every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night we all get wasted drunk down here at a giant open bar, and when we wake up, no hangover because we're dead!"

"Wow," the Alabama fellow says, taken aback.

"So," asks the former New York resident, "do you like to gamble?"

"Sure, gambling was always fun," said the Alabama man. "I was known to lose a few weekends in Vegas here and there."

"You're in luck then, my friend, because every Thursday night the boss opens the casino here. Blackjack, roulette, loose slots, you name it. And if you lose your shirt, who cares, we're already dead!"

Warming to the idea of Hell just a bit, the Alabama man asks, "So what about Friday night?"

"Do you like to do drugs?" the New Yorker quizzes enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I smoked and snorted a bit in my younger days and it was always a good time," said the man from Alabama."

"Awesome!" the New Yorker cheered. "You are gonna love it then. Every Friday Satan and his minions roll fat joints and pass them around with anything else you can shoot, swallow or inhale to get high. If we overdose, who cares, we're already dead!"

"Wow, just...wow," said the Alabama man.

"So," the New Yorker said at last. "Are you into rough, hard gay sex?"

"No! Not at all!" said the Alabaman, recoiling.

"Ooooh," said the New Yorker apologetically, "then you're gonna hate the weekends..."

[indianasmith]

Did you hear about the guy who compulsively caught wild coneys and dressed them up like nuns?

He said it became a force of habit to find a rabbit, grab it, and make it wear a habit!

[AoTFan]

Why were blondes stealing police cars?

They saw "911" on the side and thought they were Porsches. 

[Leah]

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing?

What's the difference between in laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[AoTFan]

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

[AoTFan]

Why don't blondes dance cheek to cheek?
Their asses get sore.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis

[Allhallowsday]

What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD.