The truly terrible joke thread

[ER]

"....yes, but except for that, how was the Ariana Grande concert?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was your day at the World Trade Center?"

(Too soon? Okay, then....)

"...yes, but except for that diagnosis, how was the clinic, Liberace?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

(Too soon? Okay then....)

"....yes, but except for that, how was Passover in Jerusalem last Friday, Mary?"

(All right! You liked that one, proving as Joan Rivers always told us, comedy is tragedy plus time.)

[Rev. Powell]

What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD. 

There's a "fake news" joke in there somewhere too, I'm sure of it!

[AoTFan]

So I was in a car with a friend driving and we saw a sign that said, "15 Miles Per Hour Ahead".  Well, there were four of us, so we got through that area pretty fast. I'm just thankful I wasn't on a bus.

[Trevor]

Heard this on an episode of Bones:

"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would have farted." 

[indianasmith]

A man went to see his buddy, who had broken a leg at work.  His friend was propped up in front of the couch, watching football and in some pain.
His co-worker asked if there was anything he could do for him.  The injured worker said:
"Be a pal and get my slippers out of my bedroom. My feet are getting cold!"
As the guy went upstairs, he heard giggles coming from a different bedroom.  He went in and saw his buddy's two daughters, home on holiday from college, sitting on the bed in their underwear and chatting.  He decided to have a bit of fun with them.
"Hello, girls," he said.  "Your dad sent me upstairs to have sex with you two!"
They laughed out loud, and the oldest said: "He did no such thing!"

"Sure he did," replied the man, "and I can prove it!" He leaned out the door and called downstairs:
"Larry, did you mean both of them?"

"OF COURSE I meant both of them, you idiot!" his friend replied.

[AoTFan]

[ER]

Three really dumb guys were sitting around bored, so they pooled their resources and it came to about five dollars, then one of the group went out to find them something fun.

About half an hour later he came back with a box of tampons, and set them on the table.

"What we gonna do with those???" asked one of them.

"It's the coolest thing I ever heard of," said the one who went to the store. "Look, it says right here, you can swim with 'em, you can ride  a bike with 'em, you can play sports with 'em, you can even, "he winked knowingly, "sleep with 'em."

The other two stared back at him aghast at his stupidity, til one of them burst out, "You're a total idiot! Why there ain't room in that box for all three of us!"

[Leah]

[AoTFan]

(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"

[ER]

(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"

I applaud that new wife's commitment to go the extra mile in keeping her husband happy. What an inspiration story. Just wow.

[Leah]

[ER]

Said the masochist to the sadist: "Hurt me!'

Said the sadist to the masochist: "Never."

[AoTFan]

What's the perfect gift for the man who has everything?

Penicillin.

[Leah]

"Any and all cabbage left will be shredded and mixed with mayo"
-Cole's Law.

[ER]

What did Saddam say when he reached the fires of Hell?

Ouch!