The truly terrible joke thread

[indianasmith]

Reminds me of a cartoon I saw, years ago, when the Ayatollah Khoumeini died. 
A huge, grinning Satan was holding Khoumeini in his palm, while flames leaped up all around them.

Khoumeini:  "HEY!  This isn't paradise!"
Satan:  "No, and my name is not America, either!"

[AoTFan]

Talking to a fellow from Russia and I said, "You see, one of the good things about America is that we're perfectly free to criticize our government and elected officials."

And the fellow, "Well, that's true here, too."

I said, "Really?"

"Yeah, we're perfectly free to criticize your government and elected officials as well!"

[Chainsawmidget]

What do you call a black man that flies a plane?


A pilot, you racist. 

[The Burgomaster]

Tour bus driver: "We are now passing the largest brothel in the world."

Male tourist: "Why?!?"

[AoTFan]

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[javakoala]

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes,

let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No", the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued,

"you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though,

because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well", concluded Socrates,

"If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

[Pacman000]

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

But what about the hemlock? 

[Leah]

I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people.

[AoTFan]

Harry Potter fans: I wish I could go to Hogwarts!
Narnia fans: I wish I could go to Narnia!
The Hobbit fans: I wish I could go to Middle Earth!
Hunger Games fans: Nah, we're good.

[bob]

Two flies are on a piece of poop eating it. One of them farts. The other says "What's wrong with you, I'm eating."

[AoTFan]

WARNING: This one is really gross.


I overheard someone say (I kid you not), "When you're pulling your woman's tampon out with your teeth, that's when you know you're really in love!"

I thought to myself, "Gee, I doubt that'll make a Hallmark card anytime soon."

[indianasmith]

FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!

[Leah]

FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!

Which one were you referring to, the joke or Ethiopian food?

[Leah]

[A_Dubya]

I dreamed I was a bicycle, then I woke up too tired.