The truly terrible joke thread

[AoTFan]

[indianasmith]

What were Kurt Cobain's last words?

"I need drugs like I need a hole in my head!"

[ER]

I try to re-tell this sick joke one at least once a year, and since 2017 is almost over....


One dark and stormy night a serial killer kidnapped a little boy and was carrying him off to his lair in the middle of a dark woods when the child said, "It sure is scary in here!"

To which the molester replied, "You're telling me, and I'm gonna hafta walk outa here alone!"

[ER]

A man off the street looks into a barber shop and calls in, "So how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "Oh, maybe two hours."

So the man at the door leaves.

A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "So how long today before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About two hours, give or take."

The man at the door leaves.

A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "Today it's probably an hour."

Once more the man outside walks away.

The barber looks over at a waiting customer and says "Hey, Tyrone, free shave and haircut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

Bit later Tyrone comes back to the shop laughing hysterically, so the barber says, "Well, this must be good. Where did he go when he left here?"

Tyrone says, "Your apartment!"

[AoTFan]

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

[indianasmith]

Tonight we had to make a last-minute WalMart run to buy ingredients for tomorrow's dinner.  One of the things we needed was molasses, but they were sold out.  So we drove down the street to Brookshire's and found a jar of molasses there.  As we were walking to the checkout, inspiration hit me and I asked my wife:

"Do we need any other mole parts, or just molasses?" 

She hung her head in shame (or else to stifle her laugher) until we left the store.

[Alex]

I saw two Santa's wrestling a reindeer today.

I think it was a Ho Ho Hoedown.

[ER]

As a class of kindergarten students were coming back from break, the teacher asked what each had gotten for Christmas.

"I got a choo-choo," said one little boy.

"Justin," the teacher said,"you're getting to be a big boy now, so say it right. You got a train for Christmas."

She asked the next pupil, a little girl who said, "I got a new sled from my mee-maw."

"Remember," said the teacher, "we're all going to stop talking like preschoolers now and use big people words, so, Emma, you got a sled from your grandma."

She then asked the next little boy what he'd gotten, and he said, "I got a book."

"How nice," said the teacher. "And what book did you get?'

The boy was about to answer when he remembered what his teacher had said about not using baby words anymore, so he proudly stated, "I got Winnie the s**t!"

[AoTFan]

[RCMerchant]

Some nut walks up to a pretty girl in a bar.

Nut-"Dam. Your remind me of school!"

Girl-" School? "

Nut -"Yeah-I wanna shoot kids inside you."

[RCMerchant]

I guy comes home one day and his girlfriend is packing her bags. He asks her what's going on, and she says  "You're a pedophile!"

And he says, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."

[RCMerchant]

Do you know why Jesus can't eat M&M's?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

(BOOM! CRACK! "ARGHHHH!!!")
sound of me getting struck by lightning.

[indianasmith]

Do you know why Jesus can't eat M&M's?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

(BOOM! CRACK! "ARGHHHH!!!")
sound of me getting struck by lightning.

the bad part is I just came home from church and still laughed at this!

[Olivia Bauer]

"What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech!"

- Hugo, Atheists Watch "Voiceless"

[indianasmith]

Man, that Joan of Arc chick was totally lit!!!