The truly terrible joke thread

indianasmith · October 29, 2018, 08:43:30 PM

You know the difference between a radical feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!

(Saw that on FB and I thought it was awful enough to make this thread!)

Svengoolie 3 · October 30, 2018, 04:32:29 AM

Quote from: indianasmith on October 29, 2018, 08:43:30 PM
You know the difference between a radical feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!

(Saw that on FB and I thought it was awful enough to make this thread!)

Actually its changes pads.

Svengoolie 3 · October 30, 2018, 04:48:55 AM

Why did a trump supporter get turned down for a job at his local fire department?

He didn't want to work with hose A.

indianasmith · October 30, 2018, 06:32:18 AM

OK, that one took me a minute . . .

ER · October 30, 2018, 07:59:12 AM

What do you get when you put fifty lesbians and fifty sociologists in a room?

(A hundred people who don't do dick.)

ER · October 30, 2018, 08:21:09 AM

It's not exactly a joke but I recently saw a funny multi-panel New Yorker cartoon from 1962. A well-dressed man walked onto a bridge to jump off, and a panhandler came by asking for a handout, so, knowing he would not need them anymore, the man who was to jump took off his hat and coat and gave them to the panhandler, gave him his watch and ring and wallet, then climbed up on the side. The panhandler leaped forward to save him, pulling him back, and the would-be jumper shook his hand in thanks...then asked for all his stuff back.

Alex · November 01, 2018, 01:56:53 AM

I once went to a Halloween party dressed only in my jeans.

When I was asked what I was supposed to be I told them I was premature ejaculation. I'd just came in my pants.

Leah · November 01, 2018, 11:15:28 AM

Quote from: Dark Alex on November 01, 2018, 01:56:53 AM
I once went to a Halloween party dressed only in my jeans.

When I was asked what I was supposed to be I told them I was premature ejaculation. I'd just came in my pants.

Must have been hard for them to swallow.

ER · November 01, 2018, 11:46:59 AM

One my English co-worker told me years ago...

An American visiting Belfast walked into an IRA pub and asked for a pint, which the publican drew for him, then being naturally suspicious of outsiders, he whispered to one of his Fenian buddies, "Slip over thar an' arsk 'im the three questions and see if 'tis safe for us to let 'im stay."

Winking with understanding, the Irishman got up and went over to stand by the visiting American. "So, Yank," he opened with question one, "whar ya from?"

"Boston, Massachusetts" the America answered.

Boston sounded safe enough, so the Irishman asked question two. "And are ya Catholic, then?"

The American replied, "As Catholic as the Pope himself."

It was sounding all right so far, so the Irishman worked in the final question. "And might ya do fer a livin' in Bahstun, Massachusetts?"

"I'm a taxidermist," the American told him.

"Er," the Irishman pressed, "what's that then?"

"Someone who mounts animals."

With that the IRA member happily declared, "He's one of us, fellas, he fooks dead animals too!"

Leah · November 09, 2018, 11:59:54 PM

It's a little known fact, but Norway does not put names on their ships. While they do use a standardized number scheme (similar to how the USN does DDG-664, for example) those numbers are not accompanied by a nameplate, but instead by a barcode. This is so, when their ships get into port, Norway can Scandinavian.

Svengoolie 3 · November 10, 2018, 03:06:11 PM

What's the difference between the leader of the thundercats and sarah huckabee snaders?

One is called LionO, the other is a lyin' 'ho.

indianasmith · November 11, 2018, 12:04:52 AM

This math teacher was arrested for carrying graph paper and a ruler in public.
Police said she was plotting something!

Svengoolie 3 · November 12, 2018, 02:28:24 AM

Rosie was married to Mannie, a bearable man with one bad habit: Every morning just before he woke from a sound sleep, he would fart, very loudly, very long and very hard. It was so bad Rosie woke before her husband just to escape his morning intestinal assault.

She kept nagging him to take something for his horrible gas problem, but he declined, citing it as "healthy".

"One of these days, Mannie, you're going to fart your guts clear out of you! " she warned him over and over.

Finally while at the store one day she saw some old chicken livers that we're going to be thrown out and asked if she could have them. Taking the raw livers home she snuck them into her bedroom and when she woke up, dumped them behind her husband's bare behind before fleeing the room.

Moments later she heard her husband's daily explosive gas release, followed a moment later by a scream of horror.

Satisfied she went about making coffee and after some half hour her husband walked in, a big smile pasted on his face.

"You were right, Rosie. This morning I farted my guts right out!"

He then held up his right hand and added "But by god's grace and these fingers here, I got 'em all back in! "

Leah · November 13, 2018, 07:21:54 PM

Do Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin?
Do Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan?
Does everyone else fail trigonometry just cos?
If so, then that's mathed up.

Svengoolie 3 · November 13, 2018, 07:59:08 PM

Quote from: El Misfit on November 13, 2018, 07:21:54 PM
Do Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin?
Do Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan?
Does everyone else fail trigonometry just cos?
If so, then that's mathed up.

Clever girl!