The truly terrible joke thread

[Svengoolie 3]

A photon checks into a hotel. The clerk asks him if he needs help with his luggage.

The photon says "No,  i'm traveling light. "

[Allhallowsday]

When anyone says "You're not a real woman?" what does CAITLYN JENNER say? 

. . .

[Svengoolie 3]

[AoTFan]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to a bar.
Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says,
"The media is really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Being the mastermind of the so-called Arab Spring that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the "moderate" terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean the INSIDER TRADING of the Tyson chicken deal I did where I invested $1,000 and the next year I got $100,000?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean when Bill met with Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, just before my hearing with the FBI to cut a deal?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean the one where my IT guy at Platte River Networks asked Reddit for help to alter emails?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean where the former Haitian Senate President accused me and my foundation of asking him for bribes?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean that old video of me laughing as I explain how I got the charges against that child rapist dropped by blaming the young girl for liking older men and fantasising about them. Even though I knew the guy was guilty?
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean that video of me coughing up a giant green lunger into my drinking glass then drinking it back down?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean that video of me passing out on the curb and losing my shoe?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean when I robbed Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party Nomination by having the DNC rig the nomination process so that I would win?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "You mean how so many people that oppose me have died in mysterious ways?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "Travel Gate? When seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired so that friends of Bill and mine could take over the travel business? And when I lied under oath during the investigation by the FBI, the Department of Justice, the White House itself, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, and the Whitewater Independent Counsel?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "The scandal where (while I was Secretary of State) the State Department signed off on a deal to sell 20% of the USA's uranium to a Canadian corporation that the Russians bought, netting a $145 million donation from Russia to the Clinton Foundation and a $500,000 speaking gig for Bill from the Russian Investment Bank that set up the corporate buyout? That scandal?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "That time I lied when I said I was under sniper fire when I got off the plane in Bosnia?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "That time when after I became the First Lady, I improperly requested a bunch of FBI files so I could look for blackmail material on government insiders?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "That time when Bill nominated Zoe Baird as Attorney General, even though we knew she hired illegal immigrants and didn't pay payroll taxes on them?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "When I got Nigeria exempted from foreign aid transparency guidelines despite evidence of corruption because they gave Bill $700,000 in speaking fees?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "That time in 2009 when Honduran military forces allied with rightist lawmakers ousted democratically elected President Manuel Zelaya, and I as then-Secretary of State sided with the armed forces and fought global pressure to reinstate him?"
Trump: "No, the other one:"
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture and silverware when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT, THAT ONE"
Hillary: "I thought I'd got away with that one, dammit !!!".

[RCMerchant]

What did Jeffry Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit after she cut off her hubby's dick?

"You gonna eat that?" 

[RCMerchant]

What did the cannibal say to his son hen he caught him eating a salad?
"If your mother could see you now, she'd be rolling in her gravy!"

[RCMerchant]

Wifey- "When you gonna fix that leaky roof?"
Hubby-" Well, when it's raining I can't, and when the sun's shining, it don't leak!"

[Alex]

If I told people their brain is an app would they start using it?

[RCMerchant]

If I told people their brain is an app would they start using it?

I think it would sit unused in the corner of their skulls.

[Alex]

Homophobic parents are right to worry about their kids learning about LGBT relationships and it possibly turning them gay.

After studying history I once spent two years as a Tudor wench.

[Svengoolie 3]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a shot of whiskey? "

The bartender says "For you,  no charge. "

[AoTFan]

Jokes about vaccinations are like unvaccinated kids.  They'll never get old.

[RCMerchant]

A drunk is sitting at the bar and he says to the bartender-

Drunk: "I'll bet you $50 If you set up 10 shot glasses, I can p**s in them all without getting a drop on the bar!"
Barkeep:" Bulls**t! I'll take that bet!"

So the barkeep sets them up. The drunk stands on the bar, whips out his dick, and p**ses all over the f**king place!

Barkeep (laughing his ass off): "HA!HA heehoo! HA! Gimme my $50!"
Drunk: "Sure-wait until I collect from that guy at the end of the bar who I bet $200 I could p**s all over the bar and make you laugh!"

[RCMerchant]

Homophobic parents are right to worry about their kids learning about LGBT relationships and it possibly turning them gay.

After studying history I once spent two years as a Tudor wench.

After reading Hugo in English class I turned into a hunchback!

[Svengoolie 3]

Vaccinations don't cause autism,  vaccinations cause adults.