The truly terrible joke thread

[Rev. Powell]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

[Rev. Powell]

I don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

[Svengoolie 3]

Ion: I think i lost an electron.
Atom: Are you sure?
Ion: I'm positive!

[Svengoolie 3]

[ER]

How do you get to Heaven?
Turn right and go straight.

[ER]

Cheetah little and soon you're a lion big.

[ER]

Why was Julia Child cruel?
Because she whipped eggs and beat cream.

[ER]

When I came-to in the delivery room after my first child was born the doctor shoved a Red Bull in my hand and told me congratulations.

"So what is it?" I asked.

"A girl," he said.

"Great!' I exclaimed. "She healthy?"

"Perfectly healthy," the doctor told me.

"Great!" I told him, gulping the Red Bull. "So is she white?"

"Uh, yes...."

"Great! Give me my phone so I can tell that damn plumber he's off the hook!"

[Svengoolie 3]

Mop 'n glo, the official floorwax of the fukishima cleanup team.

[Svengoolie 3]

Donald trump just took action to prove he can reduce crime in a predominately black city.

He left washington DC for the weekend.

[Leah]

Why can't the physicists and biologist get along? There's no chemistry

[ER]

Back in the day there was a game show called Guess What It Is? Contestants were blindfolded and allowed to feel an object set in front of them, and given one minute to ask questions and figure out what the unseen mystery object was.

An old lady from Maine was on the show one night and after she was blindfolded a giant morel mushroom was set in front of her. She reached down and touched it, then asked, "Is this object something you can eat?"

The host indicated it was, and the old lady declared, "It's a moose's dick!"

[Svengoolie 3]

In Greek mythology, Chiron was a half human,  half horse doctor.

This made him the first centaur for disease control.

[ER]

In Greek mythology, Chiron was a half human,  half horse doctor.

This made him the first centaur for disease control.

That one's actually not bad.

[Leah]

I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas. It was motherf**king gold!