RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[zombie no.one]

DARK ANGEL (1990)

filmed in '88 apparently... despite being a sci-fi tinged actioner, it has the low key, hemmed-in vibe of a bad movie that is resigned to its badness, not one that secretly thinks it's amazing.

Dolph Lundgren makes Van Damme and Wes Snipes look like charisma gods. he is so vanilla, which is appropriate because he also looks like a big ice cream cone.

soundtrack by Jan Hammer.

sample quote:

"like any magnet, it's attracted to other magnets".

educational.

[zombie no.one]

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)

very tv-movie feel, with an oddly sombre and downbeat atmosphere of foreboding throughout. I was hoping for a few laughs and perhaps some sequences of daft dialogue and general '80s fun'.... no such luck.

One thing I noticed is how there was a distinctly '70s and  early 1980s' way for mentally disabled people to be portrayed on screen. A way that would not fly today!

Also not a single crow was visibly scared in this movie, I checked. Bit of a 'watch-baity' title...

[Trevor]

Also not a single crow was visibly scared in this movie, I checked. Bit of a 'watch-baity' title...

😳😅😃😆😂

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
The Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy (1964)
https://youtu.be/RCgdgsOLUOI?si=y-ctq_mQSrY_64rH

So, this Fu Manchu knock off has been killing off a group of archeologists, for pretty much the same reason as the last two movies..... One of only two remaining survivors seeks out out a female wrestling duo, knowing one of them is dating a cop who's also the nephew of the other living archeologist....
So, they split the map up, while fu man has a camera in their house, beating them to finding the pieces, but the good guys beat him to the last piece..... So, the fu man challenges the wrestling girls to fight his two judo fighting sisters in the ring....

Not nearly as exciting as I made it sound, it's slow & tedious, with scenes being drawn out in a failed effort to build suspense....
A couple good scenes of female empowerment.....

[M.10rda]

THE WRONG PARIS (2025):
Watched with Madame and am bothering to nominally review it because it takes place in the cinematically significant Paris, TX, though unfortunately there's no Harry Dean Stanton in sight. Miranda Cosgrove plays an aspiring art student who auditions for a "Bachelor" type reality dating show as she thinks it will film in Paris, France, where she wants to attend the Art Institute except she's too poor to pay for air fare. Alas, she is mistaken. Read the fine print, Cosgrove!

Cosgrove made her debut as the spunky promoter in SCHOOL OF ROCK, twenty-two years ago, which makes me feel old but also makes her seem too old to be playing a lass in her early 20s.  It ain't a great role but she is sincere and does look nice (at 35ish). The only other "names" in the cast are Frances Fisher as Cosgrove's granny and a cameo by Harry Jowsey, a real-life reality dating TV star (which I know 'cause Madame and I watch 'em all together). THE WRONG PARIS is never surprising for a second and never as smart as one would wish, though it isn't as stupid as it might've been.  Of course there are antic outtakes during the closing credits, which are more fun than the actual movie. Maybe streaming filmmakers could just hire actors to improv on camera instead of laboriously shooting AI-created screenplays?

2.5/5
Of no likely interest to anyone on this website (myself included!).

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
The Screaming Skull (1958)
https://youtu.be/9deckDKuXMI?si=ENhIgIzeCk8KtrCt

This movie opens with a disclaimer, saying the producers of this film will pay for the funerals of anyone who dies while watching it....

So anyway, newlyweds Eric & Jenny arrive at a mansion that Eric inherited from his previous wife, who died in an "accident".... For Jenny (who's had her own bout with trauma), the big empty house with it's creaks, the howling peacocks in the garden and the autistic gardener wreak havoc on her nerves....
Jenny starts seeing & hearing things, while Eric tells her there's nothing there..... It becomes obvious early on (well, at least to the audience) that somebody's messing with her....

Some of the cinematography's okay...
Towards the end, the dubbing falls out of sync.....

[Dr. Whom]

Vampires Night Orgy (1973)

With a title like that and an equally spectacular poster, I had to see it.

This must be the most misleading title/poster combo. I was expecting some Jess Franco like sexy vampire story, with the title hugely overselling it, but it is not even that. There is nothing remotely like an orgy (or even much sexiness). Instead you have a story of a busload of people trapped in a village of vampires.

That being said, it is not a very bad movie. It is clunky, for sure, but instead of going for shock and gore, it goes for atmosphere and creepiness, and it generally succeeds. It is quite dark in places, and it has a nightmarish quality. The quality of the execution lets it down however. It merits a more competent remake.

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's (first) Stinker
Space Ranger (2024)
https://youtu.be/zZOUfeohVMA?si=w5kZcLMb3Y9Y9ncw

In the future, a new Earth his beep discovered.... While old Earth has turned to green energy & now looks like a garden of Eden, the new one is a wasteland due to to much industrialization, so people live in a hologram of a prettier world....
So, a former military commando is pulled out of retirement, after the corporation spots an unknown race building a weapon on another planet..... He's paired with an ace pilot & hacker, and a woman who has to put the "S"-word in every sentence...

Feels like a cross between a film school senior thesis & a pilot for a TV show, as lots of subplots come up with no attempt at resolving them.....
A lot of CGI & stock footage, the lighting is awful, & the acting is wooden....

Up late last night trying to clear out a bunch of short-shorts from my watch later list, so I'm gonna try for another twofer tonight.....

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's (other) Stinker NSFW
Check to the Queen (1969) NSFW
https://youtu.be/Bn8uxkfCdnM?si=B-08boDBt-S4q_5E

An Italian skin flick That's somehow been edited for television.... Really, all the dirty stuff has been cropped out....

While her husband is out of town on business, a bored housewife gets a job as a servant for an eccentric actress, and ends up being her dog....
Plot? What plot?

The subtitles are kinda hard to keep up with.....

[Senor Citizen]

Steven Seagal`s On deadly ground

This is what happens when you let Seagal direct a movie.
Monologue after monologue where nothing happens (the ending monologue was the worst). Seagal being such a nature lover sets fire that has blackest black smoke. Bad acting and everything looks cheap.

Bad movie but will definitely rewatch.

[zombie no.one]

(the ending monologue was the worst).

can you believe it was cut down from 40 mins? didn't go down well in the test screenings for some reason.     

if nothing else the scene where he beats the crap out of that guy then gives him an impromptu counseling session / pep talk, is one for the ages!

[Senor Citizen]

(the ending monologue was the worst).

can you believe it was cut down from 40 mins? didn't go down well in the test screenings for some reason.     

Yes, I can believe. In a sad way.

[Senor Citizen]

Rising sun (1993)

Bad buddy cop-movie about japanese in America.
But music is good! It should have been in good horror/scifi-movie rather than this snooze fest.

[M.10rda]

NEVER OPEN THAT DOOR (1953):
Here's a review as Trigger Warning. This one really upset me (right before bedtime, when I try to unwind with 15 or so minutes of spooky entertainment). It's a lopsided "duology" from Argentina, with a 25 minute opener and then an unrelated second story that's nearly an hour. The opener takes a long time to set up a simple revenge plot with an unsurprising O. Henry-esque ending. It didn't impress me but it didn't offend me. But then Part 2, oy.

A sad old lonely blind woman pines for the return of her long-estranged son. One night she hears a car pull up outside her remote country home, and three people get out and enter the house. Instantly she thinks one of them is her son. Now, as it so happens, it is her son, which could potentially be irrelevant as the more important revelation is that he's a criminal and utterly irredeemable black hearted piece of crap. In other words, the plot might've worked identically or even more optimally if the old lady was convinced it was her son though it in fact wasn't, or if we never quite could tell for sure. No matter, though, 'cause the plot mechanics aren't the film's big issues.

One big issue, for me anyway, is the offscreen assault/abuse/probable homicide of a cat halfway through Story 2. Hey, these things do happen in genre flicks, and at least we don't see it....... but somehow even worse than seeing it, the old lady then (logically, understandably) appeals to her son at length to understand why he would do that to her cat, which happened to be her only friend. In other words, she aggressively rubs it in... to no detriment to the $#!t#33l who just victimized her best friend the cat, but to endless detriment to me, the viewer, who was already bummed out by this depressing scenario and at this point pretty much had to throw in the towel on this flick.

I did FF through to the end, and unfortunately no commensurate comeuppance awaits the son and his cat-stomping partner. I will commend director Carlos Hugo Christensen for being a crack hand with his camera and his crew's light kit. I imagine somewhere on the internet someone has praised Christensen for being "a master of suspense" or something, which might be why I watched this in the first place. Unfortunately, "suspense" can only hook me and keep me hooked if I'm willing to go on a ride with a filmmaker, instead of throwing myself from their vehicle to escape the miserable scenery.

2/5
I have the same issue with Haneke's FUNNY GAMES, for the record. Haneke's a Great director but who needs it, life is bleak enough on its own terms! If you have ever felt bad or are in any way susceptible to feeling bad about neglecting an elderly parent, or if you love cats, AVOID!

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
PsyBorgs (2016)
https://youtu.be/ZrXjqneR_qk?si=HjCHjIyiftMUjkSP

It looks like a local improv troupe got with a college film maker, & the result is this beautiful mess...

So, the Psyborgs are pretty much a bunch of slackers with super powers, who are out to stop General Blight from releasing a new drug that will destroy their powers while turning normal people into country music zombies...
After Blight's plans are thwarted, he decides to kidnap the Canadian president in order to steal some nukes....

Non-stop goofiness for the first forty five minutes or so, then starts to slow down & lose it's giggles....