Descriptions of Bad Movies that don't exist

[Trevor]

Meet Wiley Plank (Emo Phillips), a guy who can't stop digging himself into holes - both figuratively, with his knack for always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time... and literally, when he decides to dig the world's biggest hole ever in his back garden, and win back the love of his life Patty Petticoat (Ronda Rousey) in the process.

Wiley Plank 😳😃😄😅😂🐢

[pacman000]

It's like "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" But with "Captain Pugwash" animation.

[chainsaw midget]

It's like "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" But with "Captain Pugwash" animation.

Could be worse.  Could be Clutch Cargo.

If you can call that animation.

[pacman000]

This might be the strangest cooking show ever put to tape.

[claws]

I asked A.I.

Sharknado vs. Octopusquatch

Description: In this low-budget disaster of a B-movie, a freak storm brings together two unlikely creatures: a half-octopus, half-Sasquatch mutant and a genetically modified flying shark. As the creatures battle it out over a small, unprepared coastal town, a ragtag team of scientists and surfers must stop the carnage before the world is torn apart by bad CGI and even worse acting. Featuring dialogue that makes no sense, laughable special effects, and a climax that involves a laser-powered surfboard, this film is so bad it's almost brilliant—almost.

[lester1/2jr]

sounds like a winner ^

[pacman000]

A bunch of people play-wrestle the director's dog, then, after a brief cut away & scream, appear in closeup laying on the ground, with catsup on their necks. These "scenes" alternate with scenes of a Dirty Harry-wannabe animal control officer searching for the dog.

Lots of scenes arguing against animal rights, & against dog ownership. Maybe it wasn't the director's dog after all. I hope not.

Weird, inept, & it leaves you with a sad, sick feeling. Luckily, it's only 41 minutes, with credits. Shot on video in the 80's or early 90's, probably with consumer-grade camcorders.

[pacman000]

Rocket Ship Warrior


The last real hurrah for models on wires was in 1979 or 80.

So why was this movie trying them in 2001?

[pacman000]

Cannibals start a summer camp to ensure a steady food supply.

[Alex]

Alien Vs Predators.

An alien gets loose in the Vatican and starts hunting the priests.

[pacman000]

Like Rocky, but in the Middle Ages with knights.

[lester1/2jr]

Superman goes to Bizarro world and drives a gas powered tesla with square wheels around ( he can't fly there) trying to find Lex Luther's hideout , where he is keeping a pink frog that is the president of Earth in a slowly boiling pot. AI script with CGI actors

[pacman000]

The Dirty Harry wannabe dog catcher is back. This movie starts with him arguing, apparently with his supervisor. Thus scene just goes on & on, for over ten minutes. After the dig catcher's fired, the credits roll. I did not know they could make so few names last another ten minutes. Were they actually proud of this?

Anyways, the dog from the last "movie" escaped from the pound, & the dog catcher sets out to find him. Lots of walking through the woods, occasionally broken up by scene of the dog catcher finding someone who was attacked.

Eventually, he finds the dog, & it's dragged onto a truck. This is stock footage, & it does not match the rest of the "movie". At all.

[chainsaw midget]

What's the take-away from this movie?  If you try to hide and suppress the fact that you're gay, you turn into a homicidal maniac and go on a killing spree.  It's okay to be gay, as long as being gay means acting so flamboyant even Boy George would tell you to tone it down a couple of notches.

I guess there's a lesson to be learned there somewhere.  Maybe. 

[pacman000]

Tired writing a film treatment using Plotto, a list of connected plot points from 1928. Sounds appropriately Monogram-ish. Assuming each plot point takes about 4 minutes, it should run about an hour. I included the suggested plot points  in quote-blocks, with my implementations below them. The book says to not take the plot points literally; they're just for generating ideas:

"The Red Jewel"

A lawless person

148
38 ch B to A 949a 954
A, because of his romantic surroundings 197 210-1, imagines himself in love with B
152 ; 211 69 ; 214 3a ; 176a, b, c

Sedric, a gentleman thief called "The Red Jewel", sneaks into a party. He plays the part of a mysterious gentleman flawlessly, & everyone wonders who he is as he picks their pockets, & as he plans to find the house's safe. Then he sees the owner's daughter, Hannah, & finds himself strangely drawn to her...

152
a982a ch A to A-8 & NW to A 916 ch B to A
A is a youth who is "wild" and hard to manage; he falls in love with B 812b ; 230 tr A & B 224 and his character is transformed
234a 289 367a

He gives up hs plan to rob the safe, & spends the rest of the party trying to get to know her. Over the next few weeks, he stops stealing, & even, secretly, returns some of the stolen goods. He also spends more & more time with Hannah, going on increasingly risky adventures. Her father gives him  job, & he works hard at it. But he alsso takes too many risks, which her dad tries to correct.

b982a ch A to F-B & NW to A 997a ch A to F-B
B's father, F-B, fails in his attempt to subdue and control A, a "wild" and unmanageable youth left in his charge * B, when her father, F-B, fails in an enterprise, takes the enterprise off his hands **
22a 115 367a

After a risky venture nearly goes wrong, Hannah says she won't see him anymore, & he agrees to change.

22
a850a, b 250 885a tr A & B
A is a woman-hater, but he is rendered, a service by B which causes him to revise his opinions of the opposite sex * A, a woman-hater, falls in love with B **
153 826

Sedrick thought he'd never love a woman, seeing them as play things. But Hannah has changed his mind.

153
218b 976 1042b
A, in love with B, has a valuable gift sent to B by a jeweler. * Through error, or by evil intent, packages are transposed; and the gift received by B, as from A, very nearly proves disastrous to A's love affair **
170 172 ; 1136 349

He goes & gets a ring, & has it sent to Hannah. He asks if she'll mary him. She refuses; she thinks his gift is too informal. He shouldn't've sent her the ring by mail.

170
177 178 182 212a
A and B, lovers, have a violent quarrel, and B returns a gift, X, she has received from A
57 208 349

This starts a big fight, & he storms off into the night.

208
1c, d 10a
A, in love with B, discovers that B is a confirmed coquette [flirt] and is merely playing with him
176a, b, c 320 244 ; 421 tr B & B-3

While at a bar, he meets some other men, all of which have proposed to Hannah in the past. He's crushed.

320
56 62 85a, b
A, in love with B, thinks B is a confirmed coquette, and is merely playing with him
421 tr B & B-3 352b 364b

Back in his hotel room, he imagines her playing with his emotions, & others emotions too.

421
131 ch B to B-3 ; 208 ch B to B-3 176a ch B to B-3
A marries B in order to emancipate himself from the evil influence of B-3 * B-3 is a heartless coquette whom A loves **
386 393 528

In a low spot, he meets another girl from the party, Patricia, & they elope.

393
421 422a
A, married to B, is haunted by memories of a former sweetheart, B-3 * Because of his memories, A's married happiness is not what it should be ** A finds B-3, his love of other days, and discovers that her beauty and charm have faded 244 ch B to B-3 211 ch B to B-3 A knows at once that his emancipation from the. evil influence of B-3 is complete, and he returns to B a better and a wiser man ***
409 454

On their honeymoon, he's distracted. He continues to be distracted at their home. Years pass, & he's still distrated. Eventually, at another party, he sees Hannah, & realizes it never would have worked. She's too much of a flirt. And it no longer suits her; in fact, she's more annoying now than anything.

454
1a, b, d, e, f, g 421 422a 440 -*
B's husband, A, married her under false pretenses * B seeks by secret enterprise to be revenged upon her husband, A **
400 408 451 467 477

Patricia finds letters Sedric wrote to Hannah, including one written after they were married. This hurts her, but she keeps quiet.

408
378 500b
B, wife of A, keeps their house so well-ordered, and is so tyrannical and unreasonable about it, that A's home life becomes a hell
417 429a 464 486a 473 533

Even tho she tries to keep quiet, her stress comes out in increased harshness.

429
a420 422a 430 -* 471 473
A, married to B, is impelled by an unusual motive to drop out of sight, lose his personality and go adventuring in the under-world
1225 1233 1275

One day, when Sedric goes out to get away from Patricia, he meets one of his old friends from his thieving days. He agres to one last job. It doen't go well, & they are quickly on the run.

1225
429a 734 953 1378 ch F-A to A & A to SN
A has taken up his quarters in a vacant house 74a -* * A, taking refuge in a vacant house and desiring to stay on secretly in the place, moves into the attic when the house is rented **
719a 1056

Sedrick hides in an old house. He thinks it's vacant, but it's not; the owners return, & he hides in the attic.

719
a130 314 -* 430 770a
A disappears mysteriously * A, set upon by mysterious persons, AX, AX, AX. in the cellar of his own home, is spirited away through a concealed passage **
540 571

He's caught, & after a fight, manages to escape.

571
548a 660a 719a 750 770
A, mysteriously missing, returns to his home and his wife, B, in a dazed condition, unable to give any explanations
540 550 572 ; 402

Patricia is worried; Sedrick has been missing for a few weeks. The police are looking for him, but they're also looking for the mysterious theif, which has returned. Sedrick returns, but he can't tell Patrici what he's done, because the police are there.

[My end] Contrite, Main Character asks for forgivness. His wife accepts him back, & he doesn't leave again.

The police leave. Sedrick confesses to his wife, & she forgives him. But she also says he must confess to the police. He agrees. He gets off with probation, since he was able to turn in some of his old partnere, & since he agrees to repay the people he stole from.

THE END