Wat di you learn from horror movies? A SURVIVAL GUIDE

[loyal1]

Help add to THE HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE  Here are some of the most common rules to abide by:

1.Practice abstinence.  All sweet virgins have a better survival rate than hormone infested youngsters.  

2.If you MUST have sex, please follow these basic guideline:

A. NEVER have sex in a secluded place, ESPECIALLY at night.  ANd for God's sake, don't have sex in the woods!  You are better off becoming a voyeur and being turned on with having sex in public places.
B. If you are a camp counselor or babysitter, please ensure that the children are safe and sound asleep.  You do not want the wrath of a mother if something happen's to her child because YOU were getting it on.
C. ALWAYS keep a sharp weapon by your bedside.  If your lover comes back with a mask on or a sheet over him pretending to be a ghost, GRAB THE WEAPON AND ATTACK!  If it really WAS your lover, well what he did was really creepy and he or she deserved it anyway!

3. NEVER, and I mean NEVER pick on the outcast in school.  Avoid them completely...don't even try to be friend's with him or her, because if you disappoint him/her in ANY way, well then you pay the consequences!

4. If you hear a strange noise, DO NOT OPEN THE CLOSET DOOR!  It is only a cat and you can avoid any sudden death from a heart attack when it jumps out at you.  Your best bet is to always look behind you as you reach for the door.  Be sure to have a weapon in hand!

5. If the dog is barking and acting crazy..LISTEN TO HIM.  Something is definately wrong!

6. If you should be so lucky as to kill your preditor, DO NOT GO NEAR THE BODY!  I will tell you know, he is NOT DEAD!  Why on earth would you even want to see anyway???  Run as far from the body as possible!

7. If you are babysitting alone and a stranger calls and asks "Have you checked the children?" For God's sake, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!  Don't even dare check the children, just run, run as fast as you can to your local police officer.

8. Never play a mean prank on an unsuspecting stranger!

9. I know that it is difficult to avoid going for a road trip, and most likely you will have to drive through the middle of no where to get to your destination.  BUT PLEASE FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES IF YOU MUST DO THIS:
A. Have your car checked, tuned up, and have an oil change by the best mechanic.  Money should not be an option!  Also, be sure to have two spare cans of gasoline and four spare tires (you can never be too safe)!
B. If God forbid you do break down, DO NOT GO TO THE FOLLOWING FOR HELP:
-The shady gas attendant with three teeth.  First off, know now that he cannot help you anyway.  He will either have no phone, or it does not work.
-The nearest house.  This is just a death wish for sure!  No matter how respectable or "normal" they may seem to you, it is most likely far from the truth.  If the house looks like a junk yard, and has baby dolls on nooses, RUN!
-NEVER TRUST THE LOCAL POLICE OFFICE IN A NO WHERE TOWN!
-STAY OUT of the woods!
-Always know, there is probably someone watching you...waiting for you, a prey.  Good luck if you should ever fall into this unfortuante circumstance!

10.  NEVER trust a clown EVER!  I don't care how f**king funny you think he is.  And if he serves tasty fried chicken at a gas station, then don't even bother to go in...go back from whence you came ASAP!

ANY ONE ELSE HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD?

[AlexB]

If you are either on the open seas or in deep space, and you see a derelict wreck, DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR IT. Especially if the ship has been missing for some years/centuries.

[IguanaGirl]

Never split up... why do they always split up??!!! and then follow strange noises going "Is that you?", and inevitably get killed because it isnt.

And never trust anyone who has been out of your sight for any length of time, God alone knows what they have caught, been possessed by, of turned into, even if they look perfectly normal.

[AndyC]

For the elderly, always keep an extra bottle of heart medication on you. Chances are you'll be scared to death with the pills just out of reach.

[raj]

If you think you've killed the bad guy/thingie, shoot, stab, club it again.  And again.  Preferrably do all three.  Then douse it in gasoline and set it on fire.  Then get the hell out of there, and take a trip to another continent.  Like Australia.  The bad thingie isn't dead yet.

[loyal1]

raj wrote:

> If you think you've killed the bad guy/thingie, shoot, stab,
> club it again.  And again.  Preferrably do all three.  Then
> douse it in gasoline and set it on fire.  Then get the hell out
> of there, and take a trip to another continent.  Like
> Australia.  The bad thingie isn't dead yet.


Decapitate the sucker!  Throw the head through a meat grinder!  Mine as well chop up his limbs tooJUST INCASE...throw them in the grinder as well!

[Dave Munger]

Corrolary to #6: Before running from the unconscious body, take his weapon.

[Kory]

If you see a dark hole in the ground or a cave, don't go in.

If you need help, don't go to the creepy house in the middle of nowhere with all the junked cars out front.  Think of X-Files "Home" or "Jeepers Creepers", among a MILLION others.

[Writer]

These are all good suggestions, but to keep the monster from EVER coming back, you've got to remove ALL traces of his physical existence. Think "The Thing." Think "Terminator 2." These are excellent examples of how to deal with the horrible nightmare creature you think you've just killed.

But even that isn't enough. You've got to eliminate all metaphyiscal traces as well. Get a priest on your side. Get a dozen of them if you can. And don't settle for any cut-rate imposters in a collar, either: get a real hard-nosed dyed-in-the-funny-hat Archbishop or Pope if you can. Then burn down every place the monster has been and hose the ashes with holy water. Horror movie monsters are always full of associative magic, so scour everything they've touched from existence.

Most importantly, though, act as much like an autistic-savant guy without any of Dustin Hoffman's special abilites as you can so that the film you're in won't make enough money to spawn a sequel. The writers who control your whole universe can always find a way to bring back the monster if he's profitable enough.

[AlexB]

If you find a strange lifeform, be it extraterrestrial, prehistoric or some unexpected lab mutation, no matter how interesting it seems, destroy it immediately. Preferably with nuclear weapons.

If the locals are telling legends about vampires, living dead, ancient curses, the Prince of Darkness and creatures of the night in general, believe every word they say.