The truly terrible joke thread

[Derf]

I was just following the world's greatest magician down the road. He had to be. There he was, behind the wheel of his little sports car, when all of a sudden, right before my eyes, he turned into a driveway!

[retrorussell]

A man with a car full of animals buckled up like passengers is pulled over by a policeman.  The policeman stares at the animals in his car and orders the driver, "Take those animals to the zoo!"  "Yes, officer," replies the driver.

Later that same day the policeman spots the animals again in the vehicle.  He pulls over the driver and shouts angrily in the window, "I thought I told you to take those animals to the zoo!"
"Yes, officer; I did!  We had a great time!  Now we're going to the movies!"  

[Dennis]

A motorcycle officier spots a woman driving down the street while knitting, he follows with his lights on but she ignores him, he then pulls up beside her car and hits the siren a couple times. This gets her attention, he yells "PULL OVER", she replies "NO, IT'S A SCARF"

[Allhallowsday]

What's the loneliest place on the planet?  
Scottish pay toilet.  

How come God invented whiskey?  
So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!  

[Jack]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"

[ChaosTheory]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa 

What do you say to a drummer standing in your doorway?
Nothing, you just pay him for the pizza and send him on his way.

What's the difference between a dead cat in the street and a dead drummer in the street?
The cat was on his way to a gig.
(No offense to any drummers on the boards)

A young man's car breaks down near a nunnery.  He asks Mother Superior to let him stay the night, and she hesitates.  "We just got ten novices today, and I'm afraid they might be too new to the faith to resist the temptation of a man."  Romeo promises to behave himself and the nun sets him up with a room down the hall from the ten new nuns.
The next morning Mother Superior calls the ten girls in and says, "I have some alarming news.  Last night there was a man in the rooms."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "This morning we found a used condom in the room where he was staying."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "The condom had a hole in it."
Nine nuns giggle; one nun gasps.

[Trevor]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa 

[Derf]

Smokey the bear doesn't have any kids because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

[Silverlady]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
One costs about $1.79 and the other is under a buck.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to    you?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam

[indianasmith]

A cannibal is complaining to his buddy:
"I just can't get my missionaries to come out right.  I've tried grilling, boiling, broiling, baking, and roasting them, and they're still tough and stringy!"
The other cannibal asked: "What kind of missionaries are you using?"
The reply: "The ones from down by the river . . . you  know, with the brown robes and shaved heads."
Second Cannibal: "You idiot!!! Those are FRIARS!!!!"

[Leah]

Did you hear the one with Santa giving the Porn stars coal for Christmas?
They were being naughty all year.

[Derf]

Why did the Romans stop using killing Christians at the Coliseum?


The lions were eating all their prophets.

[indianasmith]

What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear in her back!

[Leah]

What's big, fat, yellow, and can't fit through a revolving door?

300+ pound Homer Simpson.

[diamondwaspvenom]

Have you heard about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Think about it.