The truly terrible joke thread

[Allhallowsday]

What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her back!

That's "A nun with a spear thru her head".    I think I posted that joke already, Teach.    

What do ghosts eat?  Ghost beef and spookghetti. 

[Allhallowsday]

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking
his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should
have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times
a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or
so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a
year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how
about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and
I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you', and I
holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

[indianasmith]

Two guys walked into a bar, which is really stupid, because if the first one walked into it, the second one should have seen it!!!!


John Kerry walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey buddy, why the long face?"


and this one was popular here in Texas in the summer of 1993 . . .

"How do you pick up Branch Davidian women?"

"With a Dustbuster!!"

[Silverlady]

Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker go into a Chinese restaurant for dinner. A waiter seats them at a table and hands them each a menu.  The waiter comes back a few minutes later, places silverware and chopsticks on the table, and then asks for their order.

After about 20 minutes the waiter returns with their food.  Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins eating.  Luke watches Obi-Wan handle his chopsticks with ease.  Although he had never used them, Luke decides how hard could it be?  He confidently picks up his chopsticks but finds he can't pick up a single thing from his plate.  He continues fumbling and dropping food all over the place.  Obi-Wan softly clears his throat drawing Luke's attention and says:

"Luke ... use the forks.  Just use the forks ...."

[indianasmith]

A friend of mine went to a "Chop House" roadside diner with some friends, who had been bragging on the place's homemade burgers for some time.  The cook was a young guy in a sleeveless T-shirt, apron, and paper cook's hat.  Chad placed his order for a large cheeseburger with the cashier, and she called it back to the kitchen.  The cook scooped up a huge handful of raw meat, stuck it in his armpit, and vigorously raised and lowered his arm a few times, then pulled out a roughly round patty and dumped it on the grill.  Chad said "That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!!!"
The cashier replied: "You should see him make donuts!"   

[Oscar]

A mother rabbit and a baby rabbit were in the garden eating carrots. The mother rabbit took a bite of a carrot, chewed on it a while, and said "Hmmm.. this carrot tastes a bit pithy." The baby rabbit looked up and said, "Yeth, I juth pithed on it."   

[Jack]

A guy walks into an airport.  He's got 5 little kids with him.  He gets on the plane, all six of them find their seats.  Somebody asks the guy "Are all those your children?"  "No" he says, "I'm a condom salesman and those are customer complaints."

[Allhallowsday]

Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.

I re-wrote this joke and it's now:
Did you hear 'bout the man who was split in two??  There was nothing left!  But, he was all right!     

[Allhallowsday]

Two muffins are in an oven.  One muffin says to the other muffin, "Boy, it's hot in here!"  The second muffin says: "Ohmigod!!  A talking muffin!!!" 

[Trevor]

OK, there was this South African guy named Trevor and he had this underpants problem..................... ermmmm, sorry, that's reality, not a joke. 

[Jack]

Two guys are playing golf - one is in his twenties, the other a retired guy around 70.  The young guy hits his ball behind a pine tree.  He's standing there, trying to decide what to do.  Her can't hit the ball over the tree, it's way to tall and way too close.  The old guy starts giving him a hard time, telling him "When I was your age, I'd hit it over that tree, no problem at all."  So the young guy has been challenged, he can't be a coward, so he tries to hit the ball way up over the tree.  He fails, the ball goes into the tree, rattles around in the branches, and lands in an even worse spot than it was in originally.  The old guy chuckles and says "Of course, when I was your age, that tree was only five feet tall."

[BTM]

Had a friend of mine who got ran over by a car.  He was wide awake when it happened, but afterwards he was really tired.

[BTM]

Athletes who have bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Hungry clocks go back four seconds.

I had a salamander once. I named him Tiny because he was my newt.

[Allhallowsday]

A blonde is lost in the woods... she struggles through the undergrowth... searching for a way out, and, she comes upon a river... she looks up river, she looks down river, and suddenly, she notices another blonde across the river... she shouts, waving:  "Hey...!  HEY...!!  How do I get to the other side...??"  The other blonde, across the river, looks upstream and looks downstream, shrugs her shoulders and shouts:  "You ARE on the other side!!!" 

[Cthulhu]

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither did he.