The truly terrible joke thread

[Umaril Has Returned]

Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 

That's one of the benefits of the Race Card (tm)

[Mofo Rising]

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans!

[Chainsawmidget]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens didn't exist yet.

[Leah]

Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

[Rev. Powell]

Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.

[Javakoala]

Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.

Too soon, bro.   

[indianasmith]

Two Chinese siblings went to college in America. The brother's name was Ving and his sister's name was Ling. Ling cherished her Chinese name and heritage, but Ving was in love with all things American and quickly came to hate his name. "It's so foreign-sounding," he complained to his roommate. Anyone who hears it knows right away I'm not an American! I wish I had a name that was a little bit Chinese sounding and a little American sounding - like Lee! I wish I was named Lee!" He went on like this all semester, and finally his roommate got sick of it.
"Just go to the court house and have your name changed to Lee if it means that much to you!" he snapped.
"You can do that here?" Ving asked in astonishment.
"Sure - you just go to the court house and fill out some forms!" his roommate said.
"Can you drive me?" asked Ving. His roomie agreed, and they set out only to be intercepted by Ving's sister Ling.
"Don't do it, Ving!" she said. "You will dishonor our country, our family, our heritage, and all our ancestors!"
"My mind is made up and you can't change it!" he yelled back. "I'm going to be called LEE!"
She climbed in the car with them and they argued all the way to the court house, but he would not budge. When they got there, they went to the clerk's office and Ving asked for a form to change his name to Lee.
"That'll be $25," she said.
Ving was crestfallen because he only had a couple of bucks on him. Ling looked at him in disgust.
"I still think it's a terrible mistake," she said. "But, if your heart is set on it, I'll give you the money."
She handed the clerk the money, and he took the form, looked at it a long time - and just couldn't do it. "Give her the money back!" he said. "I've changed my mind. Ving I was born, and Ving I shall remain."
At that moment a car screeched to a halt outside the court house, and an elderly Chinese man got out. It was their grandfather! He rushed up the steps and slapped $25 onto the clerk's desk, took the form, and handed it to Ving.
"It's OK, grandfather," Ving said. "I've decided to keep my name."
The grandfather scowled and said: "Don't! Stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!"

[Javakoala]

^ freaking ouch, that was bad.

[ER]

Upon learning that one of the patients in his psychiatric clinic had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of the swimming pool he'd leaped into with a brick tied around his ankle, the center's director called the rescuer into his office.

"Well," said the director, "your heroic action this morning indicates that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck."

"Silly, he didn't kill himself," the patient replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[Rev. Powell]

[Javakoala]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


A guy walks into a bar with his pet newt on his shoulder.
"What do you call it?" asks the barman.
"Tiny"
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."


A font walks into a bar, only to be confronted by the owner.
"You'll have to leave. We don't serve your type in here."

[cqmorrell]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Flushed.

[ER]

Three seminary students took an afternoon off their studies to hike in the country. It was hot, so they stripped to their birthday suits for a swim in the creek. They'd no sooner hit the water when who should come walking past but the Dean of the seminary, also taking a stroll. In a frenzy the seminarians leaped out of the pond and ran for their lives. Two of the students used their hands to cover their privates, but the third covered his face instead. When they made it to the treeline, one of the two who had covered himself down below asked his friend why he hadn't done the same. "Well, I'm not judging you," this seminarian replied, "but I'd like to think it's more probable the Dean would recognize me by my face..."

[Silverlady]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did the ranch say to the refrigerator?
Close the door I'm dressing!

[Jack]