The truly terrible joke thread

lester1/2jr · February 09, 2018, 12:04:16 PM

What did the music teacher say to the kid who didn't want to play the tuba?

"youtube"

indianasmith · February 09, 2018, 06:26:53 PM

What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!

ER · February 14, 2018, 04:04:55 PM

A woman with a mullet walked into a bar and sat down next to a man. "So," the woman asked the man, "are you straight?"

The man said, "Yeah, I'm straight."

The woman said, "Well, women are always on my mind, night or day, all I want to do is sleep with women, and that's all I dream about, think about, or hope for. So I guess that means I'm a lesbian." With those words she got up and left the bar like everything was finally figured out.

The man on the other hand began to look deeply puzzled.

A short time later a young flamboyantly dressed man came in and sat down next to the first man and said, "Please tell me you're not straight."

To which the first man replied, "Y'know, I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a lesbian..."

indianasmith · February 14, 2018, 08:57:46 PM

(From one of my students)

What's the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends.

AoTFan · February 20, 2018, 10:41:53 PM

Alex · February 25, 2018, 04:14:56 PM

Ireland has just experienced its worst ever airplane disaster. A small four seater plane has crashed into a graveyard. So far they have recovered 987 bodies, and expect this to rise as digging continues.

ER · February 25, 2018, 05:01:50 PM

Quote from: Dark Alex on February 25, 2018, 04:14:56 PM
Ireland has just experienced its worst ever airplane disaster. A small four seater plane has crashed into a graveyard. So far they have recovered 987 bodies, and expect this to rise and digging continues.

I like that!!

Svengoolie 3 · February 25, 2018, 08:38:08 PM

A baptist minister was holding a revival and bellowing loudly about God's perfection.

"Remember!" He roared "God don't make no mistakes! Everything god does is perfect! Everything god makes is perfect!"

A hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf was hobbling along past the revival, heard the minister's ranting and shouted back "What about me? If god made me why am in a hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf?!"

The minister bellowed back "Yes, and you're the most perfect hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf I've ever seen!"

ER · February 25, 2018, 09:25:58 PM

What do Celiac zombies want to eat?
Graaaains!

Alex · February 28, 2018, 05:33:46 AM

I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didn't think it was funny.

Svengoolie 3 · February 28, 2018, 06:52:21 AM

Bob and his partner had found an old diary at a yard sale and it it they found references to a nearby cave where some officers of the Confederacy had hidden a cache of gold with the intent of using it to fund a guerilla war against the northern occupiers after the civil war, but the band had been spotted entering the cave and killed by a band of angry freed slaves as they exited. Legend had it the ghosts of the dead confederate officers guarded few cave and killed anyone coming bear the gold. Bob recognized the possible location of the cave and the two decided to search for the gold.

They find a cave at the right location and entered it, only to find it split about 40 feet in. Bob went right and his partner went left. After a few minutes bob heard a horrifying scream come from the left cave and his partner called out "Bob! Help! They're here! The ghosts have mmeeeeeee!"

Bob ran so fast and far when the finally collapsed it took his shadow half an hour to catch up to him.

After Bob ran from the cave like a cheetah with its tail on fire, I gathered up every last bit of gold in the cave and kept it all.

Alex · March 01, 2018, 07:31:18 PM

Since it started snowing heavily seven hours ago my mother in law has done nothing but stare fixidly through the window.

Perhaps I should go let her in?

Svengoolie 3 · March 02, 2018, 12:48:51 AM

Quote from: Dark Alex on March 01, 2018, 07:31:18 PM
Since it started snowing heavily seven hours ago my mother in law has done nothing but stare fixidly through the window.

Perhaps I should go let her in?

Svengoolie 3 · March 04, 2018, 02:11:35 AM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. You know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.

Alex · March 04, 2018, 05:23:13 PM

I found a book filled with evil cookie recipies.

It was called the Necroomnomnomnomicon.