The truly terrible joke thread

[pacman000]

What do you call a rattlesnake with a toothache?

A cottonmouth.

[Rev. Powell]

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[pacman000]

There should be a sequel to Rear Window. I'm sure the guy got off; after all, it was Perry Mason.

[RCMerchant]

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

I nearly spit out my drink with that one!

[RCMerchant]

I saw this guy wearing a suit and tie, carrying a brief case. He also had a telephone headphone gadget on his head.
So I say to him, "as long as you got one hand free,can you play with my balls?"

[indianasmith]

My wife went missing for two weeks some time back.  The local sheriff told me I should be prepared for the worst.
So I went to Goodwill and got all her stuff back!

[Leah]

My friend told me to take out my spider instead of killing him. We went out, had a few drinks, real nice guy. He's a web designer.

[ER]

Why did The Doors cross the road?

To break on through to the other side!

[ralfy]

The "shoot the dog" joke from Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore:

https://varley.net/movie_review/alice-doesnt-live-here-anymore/

[ER]

What's funny about a scientist reading a book on helium?

It made her voice really squeaky.

[pacman000]

What do a soda fountain, a roller coaster, & a sharp object have in common.

Ice Cream! The difference is the spelling.

[ER]

Why did Kanye West cross the road?

To give God advice.

[RCMerchant]

What had more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him.

You know I'm gonna do Hitler jokes. That's my job. It's what I do. 

[RCMerchant]

Capitalization can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

I had to think about that one for a couple seconds!

[pacman000]

Hawk: You better sleep with one eye open!

Snake: Nothing new. I always sleep with both eyes open.