THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[retrorussell]

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!
Car lot owner: ..And how I used to handle them.  But you know, I always thought that was because he knew you so well.  Maybe he had more of a personal interest in me.
Car lot owner's dad: Nonsense!
Joel: He HATED you!



Car lot owner: I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me..
Crow: Was hairy!

[Trevor]

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!

+ 

[retrorussell]

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Title card appears)
Servo: Your last clear chance for fantastic savings!

(Hearses enter cemetery)
Crow: Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!

Cop: Someone cut down in the prime of life..
Mike: Is one of the perks of this job.

(Cop sits down with Dixon family at picnic table)
Dad: Looks like you'll have another Dixon to worry about.  Alan got his driver's license.
Cop: Oh, is that right?  Let me see it, would ya?
Alan: You bet! (hands to cop)
Mike: Let me see that.. you're not a black female!

Narrator (as woman reads map in car): Here's another hazard of our superhighways that we patrolmen see all too often.
Mike: Women drivers!

Frank, joking to officer Hal: I surrender, Hal!  What's the charge?
Crow: Ha ha!  MANSLAUGHTER!

(Cop lays a blanket over Frank's corpse)
Crow: Well, I'd tuck you in, but you're.. dead!

Cop: Out on the road I could at least try to keep people from killing themselves in their cars.
Servo: Oh, you're doing a GREAT job..
Cop: So if the next car I stop happens to be yours..
Mike: Set a place for me at your dinner table!

[retrorussell]

DAYS OF OUR YEARS:
Narrator: I often stop by here for a cup of coffee.
Mike: That's really interesting.

Narrator: This is Helen.
Mike: Hi Helen.
Narrator: Even though she's never been in an accident..
Servo: She acts like she has.

Narrator (about Joe): He hadn't a complaint in the world.  Well, maybe one complaint.  He was getting tired of being a bachelor.  Eating on the run; cleaning up your own place, once you got around to it.  But all that was due for a change pretty soon.  (Camera zooms in on picture of woman)
Servo: He'd chosen a new look!

Narrator: Yes, Joe was a pretty lucky guy.  Good job as road electrical foreman, and a wonderful girl who wanted nothing in the world more than to be.. Mrs. Joe.
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe??

Narrator (about Joe's waitress girlfriend): Though she was quick and sure and confident in everything she did..
Crow: She spit in the eggs.

[retrorussell]

HIRED! THE MUSICAL (skit between HIRED shorts)

[singing]

Servo (as car salesman): I suck at my job!
Crow (as his father): No you don't!
Servo: Yes I do!  My salesmen are slobs!
Crow: No they're not!
Servo: Yes they do!
Crow and Gypsy: Huh??

THE SPORT PARADE-- SNOW THRILLS:

(Header 'FLASHING BLADES! ICE SKATERS YOUNG AND OLD SPEED ON FROZEN COVERED LAKES FROM COAST TO COAST' appears)
Servo: Ice skaters young and old die from flashing blades!

Narrator: Jack Frost is master of ceremonies.
Servo: I thought he was fictional!

Narrator: Lastly coming, one of the most popular winter sports is "SHEE-ING".  And "SHEE-ING" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah, well you're full of skit.

-later-
Servo reads header: "Cross country SHEEING amid SKEENS of Winter MAGNIFISHENCE in SANADA'S SHNOW SOVERED playgroundSH."

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Cop is outside of funeral procession at cemetery)
Cop: I suppose I should've gone in for a few minutes..
(Film suddenly moves out of place)
..But I just couldn't do it.
Crow: Because of the tear in the sprocket holes!

CENTURY 21 CALLING...
(At title screen) Mike: They want their little gold jacket back!

Crow: These monorail designers have a one-track mind..

[retrorussell]

MONEY TALKS:
(Nerdy boy sees flyer for school dance w/$2 entry fee)
Mike: Greasy scarecrow boy not invited!
(boy looks at 50 cent piece in his hand)
Crow: Wanna go to the dance with me?

(boy spins coin on desk and starts to daydream)
Crow: There's no place like a bank.. there's no place like a bank..

(image of Benjamin Franklin appears in doorway)
Boy: Are you really Benjamin Franklin?
BF: That's right.  Come over here son.  I'd like to talk to you.
Crow: Could you have your slave press my suit?

(image leaves doorway)
Crow: Will our mystery guest enter and sign in please!

BF: Perhaps I CAN be of some help to you from removing you from what you so quaintly describe as "the red".
Servo: For a price..
Boy: What do you mean?
BF: Now I don't think that your problem is a difficult one, William.  You have one important thing to learn and then you'll have no problem.  You must learn how to MANAGE your money.
Boy: WHAT money?
Mike: Don't smart mouth me, boy.

BF: You receive $2 every week as an allowance from your father.
Mike: James Joyce!
BF: Something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers??

(Returns to spinning coin, in real world)
Mike: ..But it was too late.  William filed Chapter 11!

(at THE END)
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the 8th circuit court on stalking charges.  In a minute, the results of that trial.

[Trevor]

ESCAPE 2000 / ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX

[Voice over: You are ordered to leave The Bronx. I repeat: you are ordered to leave The Bronx!]

[Some random dude gets tossed out a window]

Mike: "I forgot my luggage!!" 

[Trevor]

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000:

"Sorry folks, I've got an old Johnson...and my outboard motor isn't working either."

[Trevor]

THE TOUCH OF SATAN

[Old grandma comes crashing through the door with a very wrinkled face*]

Person Who Looks Like Clu Gulager: "What's happened? What have you done?"
Tom: "I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!"

* The grandma has the wrinkled face, not the door  

[Rev. Powell]

INVADERS FROM THE DEEP

Crow: Joel Hodgson, is it possible for a robot to be bored?

[Trevor]

JUNGLE GODDESS

Crow: "Uh, scuse me, are you our waitress? I'd like to order whatever's on the wall over there."

[Trevor]

THE NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST

[the back of the spaceship catches fire]
Crow: "My pizza!!" 

[Trevor]

GAMERA

Pilot: What is your name? What is your designation?
Crow: Are you known for your work in the theater?
[the dark plane fires two missiles out of its back]
Joel: Uh, you lost your muffler!

[Trevor]

OPERATION DOUBLE 007

Neil Connery, describing a patient: When I saw this girl's condition...
TOM: I heaved.

Femme fatale: You read too many novels by Fleming.
CROW: Jerry Fleming, Ian's brother.

[Trevor]

THE CREEPING TERROR

Crow: "This town desperately needs a leather bar."
Mike: "Or even a dairy bar."