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December 01, 2021, 07:51:13 PM
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Television  |  THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs « previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 39 40 [41]
Author Topic: THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs  (Read 274148 times)
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 1108
Posts: 9158


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #600 on: August 03, 2021, 10:08:47 PM »

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!
Car lot owner: ..And how I used to handle them.  But you know, I always thought that was because he knew you so well.  Maybe he had more of a personal interest in me.
Car lot owner's dad: Nonsense!
Joel: He HATED you!



Car lot owner: I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me..
Crow: Was hairy!
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
Trevor
Uncle Zombie
B-Movie Kraken
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Karma: 1778
Posts: 18903


South African Film Activist & Chief Troublemaker


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« Reply #601 on: August 05, 2021, 01:27:07 PM »

HIRED PART II:
Car lot owner (about his former boss Harry Carpenter): Yeah, he used to talk to me about my prospects..
Crow: Your prostate?!


 BuggedoutBounceGiggle
Logged

The wind splashed in my face, can smell a trace of thunder.....
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1108
Posts: 9158


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #602 on: August 07, 2021, 04:33:14 AM »

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Title card appears)
Servo: Your last clear chance for fantastic savings!

(Hearses enter cemetery)
Crow: Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!

Cop: Someone cut down in the prime of life..
Mike: Is one of the perks of this job.

(Cop sits down with Dixon family at picnic table)
Dad: Looks like you'll have another Dixon to worry about.  Alan got his driver's license.
Cop: Oh, is that right?  Let me see it, would ya?
Alan: You bet! (hands to cop)
Mike: Let me see that.. you're not a black female!

Narrator (as woman reads map in car): Here's another hazard of our superhighways that we patrolmen see all too often.
Mike: Women drivers!

Frank, joking to officer Hal: I surrender, Hal!  What's the charge?
Crow: Ha ha!  MANSLAUGHTER!

(Cop lays a blanket over Frank's corpse)
Crow: Well, I'd tuck you in, but you're.. dead!

Cop: Out on the road I could at least try to keep people from killing themselves in their cars.
Servo: Oh, you're doing a GREAT job..
Cop: So if the next car I stop happens to be yours..
Mike: Set a place for me at your dinner table!
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1108
Posts: 9158


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #603 on: August 07, 2021, 05:16:14 AM »

DAYS OF OUR YEARS:
Narrator: I often stop by here for a cup of coffee.
Mike: That's really interesting.

Narrator: This is Helen.
Mike: Hi Helen.
Narrator: Even though she's never been in an accident..
Servo: She acts like she has.

Narrator (about Joe): He hadn't a complaint in the world.  Well, maybe one complaint.  He was getting tired of being a bachelor.  Eating on the run; cleaning up your own place, once you got around to it.  But all that was due for a change pretty soon.  (Camera zooms in on picture of woman)
Servo: He'd chosen a new look!

Narrator: Yes, Joe was a pretty lucky guy.  Good job as road electrical foreman, and a wonderful girl who wanted nothing in the world more than to be.. Mrs. Joe.
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe??

Narrator (about Joe's waitress girlfriend): Though she was quick and sure and confident in everything she did..
Crow: She spit in the eggs.

Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1108
Posts: 9158


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #604 on: August 14, 2021, 05:32:55 AM »

HIRED! THE MUSICAL (skit between HIRED shorts)

[singing]

Servo (as car salesman): I suck at my job!
Crow (as his father): No you don't!
Servo: Yes I do!  My salesmen are slobs!
Crow: No they're not!
Servo: Yes they do!
Crow and Gypsy: Huh??

THE SPORT PARADE-- SNOW THRILLS:

(Header 'FLASHING BLADES! ICE SKATERS YOUNG AND OLD SPEED ON FROZEN COVERED LAKES FROM COAST TO COAST' appears)
Servo: Ice skaters young and old die from flashing blades!

Narrator: Jack Frost is master of ceremonies.
Servo: I thought he was fictional!

Narrator: Lastly coming, one of the most popular winter sports is "SHEE-ING".  And "SHEE-ING" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah, well you're full of skit.

-later-
Servo reads header: "Cross country SHEEING amid SKEENS of Winter MAGNIFISHENCE in SANADA'S SHNOW SOVERED playgroundSH."

LAST CLEAR CHANCE:
(Cop is outside of funeral procession at cemetery)
Cop: I suppose I should've gone in for a few minutes..
(Film suddenly moves out of place)
..But I just couldn't do it.
Crow: Because of the tear in the sprocket holes!

CENTURY 21 CALLING...
(At title screen) Mike: They want their little gold jacket back!

Crow: These monorail designers have a one-track mind..

Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
retrorussell
In the town of Valentine Bluffs, there are many ways to die. Take your pick.
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1108
Posts: 9158


Hanniger! I'll be waiting in HELL for you!


« Reply #605 on: August 19, 2021, 10:32:40 PM »

MONEY TALKS:
(Nerdy boy sees flyer for school dance w/$2 entry fee)
Mike: Greasy scarecrow boy not invited!
(boy looks at 50 cent piece in his hand)
Crow: Wanna go to the dance with me?

(boy spins coin on desk and starts to daydream)
Crow: There's no place like a bank.. there's no place like a bank..

(image of Benjamin Franklin appears in doorway)
Boy: Are you really Benjamin Franklin?
BF: That's right.  Come over here son.  I'd like to talk to you.
Crow: Could you have your slave press my suit?

(image leaves doorway)
Crow: Will our mystery guest enter and sign in please!

BF: Perhaps I CAN be of some help to you from removing you from what you so quaintly describe as "the red".
Servo: For a price..
Boy: What do you mean?
BF: Now I don't think that your problem is a difficult one, William.  You have one important thing to learn and then you'll have no problem.  You must learn how to MANAGE your money.
Boy: WHAT money?
Mike: Don't smart mouth me, boy.

BF: You receive $2 every week as an allowance from your father.
Mike: James Joyce!
BF: Something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers??

(Returns to spinning coin, in real world)
Mike: ..But it was too late.  William filed Chapter 11!

(at THE END)
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the 8th circuit court on stalking charges.  In a minute, the results of that trial.
Logged

"O the legend they say, on a Valentine's Day, is a curse that'll live on and on.."
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Television  |  THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs « previous next »
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