The truly terrible joke thread

[Alex]

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet full of change.

[Alex]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... and a shovel."
Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?"

The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.', you hit her with the shovel."

[Alex]

A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Alex]

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl

[Alex]

"My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.' "

[Svengoolie 3]

Paddy jokes,  eh? OK...


There was a young Irishman named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
When he was told
she'd be too cold
said "Think o' the money I save!"

[ER]

"My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.' "

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gonna file that away.

[ER]

Two women were in a long checkout line after Christmas shopping, one well-dressed, the other more humbly clad, and they struck up a conversation to pass the time. Soon they were on the subject of their sons, and the rich woman gushed:

"My son is a heart surgeon who lives in a mansion with a private beach. He drives an Italian sports car and takes trips on his private jet. He hasn't yet found the girl lucky enough to be his wife, but when he does such beautiful grandchildren my gorgeous son will give me."

Having enough of the boasting, the second woman said, "I don't guess I'll ever have grandchildren, since my son is gay."

"Oh, what a shame!" the first woman said, sounding amused.

"It's not so bad," the second woman said. "In fact he wrote me that he's living with some heart surgeon in a mansion with a private beach, and the doctor lets him drive his Italian cars around town. Last week they flew on a private jet to the French Riviera. But he said the doctor keeps all this secret from his mother, who still thinks he's going to give her grandkids with some nice girl...."

[Alex]

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

[Leah]

In a rather bizarre twist to the Titanic, there is only ONE thing that still works: The pool 

[Alex]

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Oh, that joke is so bad I am only going to give it three stars.

[Svengoolie 3]

[Alex]

A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* ... he disappeared without a tres!

[Alex]

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

[Alex]

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.