The truly terrible joke thread

[RCMerchant]

The latest Micheal Bey movie is getting mixed reviews.
It's being called everything from 'sh!t' to 'fvcking sh!t."

[pacman000]

Michael Bay films always bomb, even if they make tons of money. 

[indianasmith]

Little Timmy, an 8th grade student, was constantly lying to his parents about everything.
His Dad spotted an Amazon ad for a "Lie Detecting Robot."  Reading the blurb, he discovered that once activated, this robot would immediately shout "Liar!" whenever it heard a fib, and slap the person who uttered the falsehood across the face.
"This is just what we need!" he thought, and ordered it right away.
A few days later, his wife got in from the office early and saw him putting it together.
"What's that?" she said.
"This is the thing that is going to cure our son of his lying habit," the father replied.
"Well, I gotta see this!" she said, and they waited.
Timmy was two hours late getting in from school, and walked in the door to see both his parents standing next to a strange contraption.
"Where have you been?" his Dad said.
"We had basketball practice and it ran late," Timmy replied.
"LIAR!" the robot thundered, and a mechanical arm slapped him across the face.
"Let's try that again.  Where have you been?" his Dad said.
"OK, OK," Timmy said, rubbing his face.  "I was at Billy's house."
"What were you doing there?"
"Uhm, we were working on our science project!"
"LIAR!!"  SLAP!
"One more time, son.  What were you doing?"
Timmy sighed.  "We were watching VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS," he said.

"Well, son, I am disappointed," his Dad replied.  "I would never have done something like that at your age!"
"LIAR!!!"  SLAP!
Timmy doubled up with laughter, and his parents sent him to his room.
"I guess I was asking for that," Dad said to his wife.
"Well, what did you expect?" she said.  "After all, he's your son!"
"LIAR!!!" SLAP!

[RCMerchant]

^ 

[RCMerchant]

After 9/11 I wandered around Manhattan among the blood and bones and rubble looking for my brother.

But he lived in California. For like 10 years.

[Rev. Powell]

I went to my premature ejaculator's support group this morning. Unfortunately, the meeting wasn't scheduled until tomorrow.

[ER]

I went to my premature ejaculator's support group this morning. Unfortunately, the meeting wasn't scheduled until tomorrow.

Well go back, Rev, there's no shame in seeking help. We're rooting for you, buddy! 

[Allhallowsday]

After 9/11 I wandered around Manhattan among the blood and bones and rubble looking for my brother.

But he lived in California. For like 10 years.

That's just STUPID.   

[Leah]

What type of rock is a good friend?
An opal

[RCMerchant]

Why can't fish count?
They ain't got no fingers!

[ER]

How do you ruin your husband's day with sex?

Text him about it while you're cheating on him.

[Leah]

I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, I would also like to thank my arms for being be my side, and finally I would like to thank my fingers since I can count on them.

[ER]

I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, I would also like to thank my arms for being be my side, and finally I would like to thank my fingers since I can count on them.

Witty, and clean enough to repeat at the family dinner table. I like that one a lot.

[RCMerchant]

What did the fish say when he swam head first into a wall?

"Dam!"

[Rev. Powell]

Capitalization can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.