The truly terrible joke thread

[Alex]

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion!

[Alex]

I thought about making a belt out of old watches.

I dunno though, it might just be a waist of time.

[Alex]

How does any joke start in Russia these days?

You check over your shoulder first.

[indianasmith]

I think my wife poured glue on all my rifles.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns!

[ER]

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because her mother was a wafer a long time.

[indianasmith]

What did the elephant say when he saw a naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny little thing?"

[ER]

A priest, a cop, and a keyboard warrior walked into a bar.

"I'll have a glass of red wine," said the priest, "to remind me of Christ's blood shed for the world."

"Gimme a domestic beer,"said the cop, "to remind me that despite the badge I'm a workin' man at heart."

The keyboard warrior said, "And I'll take whatever nobody else is having, to remind me everybody else is always wrong!"

[indianasmith]

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and it covers their land.

How can you tell when a Plains Indian reaches puberty?

He grows Apache beard!

(This one is a Texas history joke)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
La Salle!
La Salle who?
La Salle get together and drive the French out of Texas!

[Morpheus, the unwoke.]

Why did the economic situation of a company in Afghanistan improve when they hired Islamic fanatic suicide bombers?

Suddenly business was booming and hey had prophets going thru the roof.

[Morpheus, the unwoke.]

I had a joke about time travel but you all hated it.

I have a joke about trickle down economics benefits but 98% of you wouldn't get it at all.

[indianasmith]

An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "

[ER]

An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "

  It's funny because it left him genitally mutilated!

[El Misfit]

Ewoks did cook and eat the Stormtroopers that they killed. They said that the Stormtroopers were hit or miss.

[indianasmith]

An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "

  It's funny because it left him genitally mutilated!

Him?  Nah.  He tore the teeth out of the bear trap!

[zombie no.one]

what do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

arrested