The truly terrible joke thread

[zombie no.one]

and the barman says "sorry sir, we don't serve time-travellers here."

a man walks into a bar.

[pacman000]

Someone yelled "Disco, duck!" And I looked to see a mirrorball flying at my head.

[Rev. Powell]

A proton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a beer."

The bartender replies, "Are you sure?"

The proton says, "I'm positive."

------------------------------

A neutron walks into the same bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender serves him the beer and the neutron asks, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "You, no charge."

[pacman000]

So a snake walks into a bar.

"Hey!" The bartender says. "You can't walk in here! You don't have any legs!"

[indianasmith]

Why are your eyes the last part of the body to die?

Because your pupils dilate!

[Leah]

Somebody actually complimented on my driving today. They left a little not on my windshield that said Parking fine

[Trevor]

Somebody actually complimented on my driving today. They left a little not on my windshield that said Parking fine

[pacman000]

No, I will not have my dog neutered. I named him King, not Eunuch!

[Alex]

I think I have an addiction to buying Beatles records.

My doctor asked me if I needed help, but I told him I already own 4 copies of it.

[indianasmith]

Two fervent Trump supporters died and went to heaven.
Once there, they requested an audience with God so they could ask a question.  St. Peter got them on the appointment calendar, and a few days later they were ushered in to the throne room.
"How can I help you, my children?" God asked.
"We want to know who was behind the massive voter fraud that stole the election from our beloved President Trump," they said.
God frowned.  "There was no massive voter fraud, and the election was not stolen.  Trump simply lost."
As they left, one of them turned to the other and said; "See, I told you this goes all the way to the top!!"

[Alex]

A woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

[pacman000]

"I wanna be the very best!
Like no one ever was!
To catch them is my real quest!
To train them is my cause!"

"You're going to catch small creatures & run them over with a train!?"

[pacman000]

After another rude call, a detective hangs up his wrist-watch phone, sighs, & says, "They should've gone with Plain-Clothes Tracy."

[pacman000]

Took my dog, Mini, to the vet.

"She's too fat!" The vet said. "Do something about that!"

"Ok. I'll start calling her Maxine."

[indianasmith]

Did you hear about the drunk fighter pilot?

"He's weaving, on a jet plane

Don't know if he'll be back again . . ."