| Photographer | Here they come. SO DOES BRAD! Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all the close family. GIVE US A NOD. GOD WHAT UGLY KIDS. Smile... ...oh, that's beautiful. And... ...smile. |
| Ralph | Hey, terrific! |
| Photographer | Congratulations! |
| Ralph | Well, I guess we really did it, huh? ASSHOLE FIGHT! ASSHOLE FIGHT! |
| Photographer | Congratulations! |
| Brad | I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher course. THEY USED SUPER GLUE AS A CONTRACEPTIVE! |
| Ralph | Well, to tell you the truth Brad, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place. I mean... |
| Betty | Okay you guys, this is it! You ready? |
| Ralph | Looks like Betty's going to throw her bouquet. THROW IT TO THE SLUT! |
| Janet | I got it! I got it! HOW WAS IT? |
| Ralph | Hey big fella... ...looks like it could be your turn next eh? |
| Brad | Who knows? THE SHADOW KNOWS! |
| Ralph | Well, so long. See you Brad. THINK ABOUT IT ASSHOLE! See you Brad. OLD FARTS! |
| Janet | Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? NO! Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful? NO! Oh, I can't believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now... SHE'S STILL PLAIN! ...now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt. HORSE SHIT! |
| Brad | Yes Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy. LUCKY HELL, BETTY'S GOT THE CLAP! |
| Janet | Yes! |
| Old People | Oh, I always cry at weddings. AND LAUGH AT FUNERALS. |
| Brad | Why everyone knows that Betty's a wonderful little cook. AND A GREAT FUCK! |
| Janet | Yes! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A BILLBOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF A CEMETERY? |
| Brad | Why Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or two. |
| Janet | Yes! |
| Brad | Hey Janet. |
| Janet | Yes Brad? |
| Brad | I've got something to say. SAY IT ASSHOLE! I really loved the... STARTS WITH AN S, TRY SKILLFUL. ...skillful way... WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS! ...you beat the girls... WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS! ...to the bride's bouquet. HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! The river was deep, but I swam it. JANET. The future is ours so let's plan it. JANET. So please don't tell me to can it. JANET. There's one thing to say and that's DAMN IT! JANET! LET'S GO SCREW! damn it! Janet! I love you! The road was long, but I ran it. JANET. There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. JANET. HEY RIFF, KILL THAT SMURF! If there's one fool for you then I am it. JANET. I have one thing to say and that's damn it! Janet! I love you! ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS. Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker. HE'S A QUEEN! There's three ways that love can grow. FIND 'EM, FUCK 'EM, AND FORGET 'EM! That's good, bad, or mediocre. HOW DO YOU SPELL SLUT? J-A-N-E-T I love you so! |
| Janet | Oh, this is nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD. Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. OH BRAD. That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. met mom and you know dad. OH BRAD. There's one thing to say and that's: Brad, I'm mad for A SCREW! you too! Oh Brad! |
| Brad | Oh... ...damn it! |
| Janet | I'm PREGNANT! mad. |
| Brad | Oh SHIT! Janet! |
| Janet | For you. |
| Brad | I WANT TO SCREW YOU TOO! I love you too-oo-oo-oo. |
| Brad/Janet | There's one thing left to do THAT'S SCREW! ah-oo. |
| Brad | PICK A BUGGER AND LET IT FLY ASSHOLE! And that's go see the man who began it. JANET. When we met in his science exam-it. JANET! PLAY WITH YOURSELF ASSHOLE! Made me give you the eye and then panic. JANET. Now I've one thing to say and that's DAMN IT! JANET! LET'S GO SCREW! Damn it! Janet! I love you! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE! Damn it, Janet... |
| Janet | Oh Brad, I'm mad. |
| Brad | Damn it, Janet. DAMN IT! JANET! LET'S GO SCREW. I love you... SPLIT THE CROSS PLEASE. THANK YOU! |
| Criminologist | WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING NECK? I would like, YOU WOULD, WOULDN'T YOU? if I may, YOU MAY. to take you WHERE? on a strange journey. HOW STRANGE WAS IT? NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE! THREE PAGES TO ASSHOLE, TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE, ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! SLUT AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors, and his fiancee' Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening IT WAS AUGUST! to visit a Dr. Everett Scott KISS ASS! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE? It's true, there were dark storm clouds. DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS. heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving. IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU'RE CONSTIPATED? It's true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, LIKE YOUR NECK! but they being normal kids and on a night out, well they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. HEY CHUCKIE, WHAT WAS IT? On a night out... A WHAT? ...it was a night out... ...they were going to remember FOR HOW LONG? for a very long time.
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