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THE BLACK HOLE - 1 Slimes
Not Rated
Copyright 2006 Nu Image Films
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 26 February 2008

Capsule Review:    

Is it possible to inflict a soft tissue injury on your brain by watching a movie with really bad science in it? Because I think that happened to me. "The Black Hole" challenged everything I know about physics, electricity, the military, and even Judd Nelson. How am I supposed to accept the fact that John Bender graduated high school and earned a doctorate in particle physics?

Okay, let's get down to brass tacks. The basic premise is that the Superconducting Supercollider was actually built, and in St. Louis (under the Planetarium). During a late night experiment, something goes horribly wrong. A tiny black hole forms in the supercollider and a nearly invisible electricity monster escapes from the singularity. The implausible creature roams the halls, disintegrating people, until it breaks out of tbe building and starts feeding off of the city's high tension power lines. The kicker is that, gosh darn it, the electricity monster and the black hole are some sort of symbiotic system. Whenever the creature absorbs energy, the distortion of space-time grows. Luckily, the black hole does not sink into the ground. It just sits on the surface, sucking in St. Louis a couple of buildings at a time.

Soon after the "mishap," Eric Bryce (that would be Judd Nelson), a brilliant scientist, is brought to the Supercollider's control center to brainstorm solutions. Not that the military really wants an egghead solution, because if Dr. Bryce cannot think of something they are going to nuke it. That is right, in the interest of making the military seem like a bunch of stupid idiots the best thing the script writers could come up with is them wanting to drop an atomic bomb on a black hole.

Come on, that is not even trying. At least in a 50's b-movie the Army would want to use their experimental meson cannon or gravity howitzer on the black hole (again causing the scientist hero to wave his hands around in the ages-old sign saying, "that is not a good idea").

Instead of that, I had to watch a bunch of ridiculous "special forces" troops attack the energy monster with concussion grenades and carbines as they attempted to herd it into a metal cargo container. I would have prefered the meson cannon.


Things I Learned From This Movie:  

Green Dot Electric golf carts cannot escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.
Green Dot In the right lighting, mistaking Judd Nelson for Morgan Freeman is certainly possible.
Green Dot Special Operations Command owns a fleet of black H2 Hummers.
Green Dot Never try to arm wrestle something that lives inside of a singularity.
Green Dot Black holes are the result of God practicing his origami.

Stuff To Watch For:  

Green Dot 24 mins - He must have drank some bad eggnog...
Green Dot 37 mins - And the reason a black hole entity would be annoyed by a car alarm is?
Green Dot 38 mins - I am going to do other things while waiting for an answer to the above question, because my life expectancy is about seventy-seven years or so.
Green Dot 44 mins - Why was St. Louis such a target for disaster films in 2005-2006?
Green Dot 80 mins - The power grid is turned off, but just look at those buildings and streetlamps.

Buy It Now Online:  

Buy it from Amazon.com   (United States)

Buy it from Movies Unlimited   (United States)


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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #1. Posted on February 26, 2008, 08:30:08 PM by Jack
I agree with you about nuking it.  Good grief, couldn't the writers even try a little teeny weeny bit?  As far as the science, I almost wonder if it's a requirement when making a low budget sci-fi movie than only people who flunked out of science in the 7th grade need to apply for the jobs?  The thing is, if they paid any attention at all to the reality of the situation they're working with, they could come up with some interesting and original plot points.  But of course, that would take imagination , and they're just in the business of turning out another spec-movie each week.

It was good to see Quentin Collins from Dark Shadows is still working and doing well - he was the military guy. 
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #2. Posted on February 27, 2008, 12:29:52 AM by skrag2112
I saw this movie on SciFi Channel and besides all the scientific implausibilities, I was laughing at how the filmmakers got the geography of the St Louis area wrong.  Distance between places and landmarks changed from scene to scene and it was funny seeing the Arch in the background after it had been "destroyed". Kind of like that woman in "Space Mutiny" showing up after she had been killed in the previous scene. (Also, I haven't been to the Planetarium in years, but I'm pretty sure theres no supercollider underneath it.)
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #3. Posted on February 27, 2008, 12:50:34 AM by TheMark
Back in the fifties the B-movie scripts were ok but the special effects were sub-par. Now we have the special effects technology and no one can write a B-movie script worth the paper itís printed on.

Seems to me the best solution is to buy the rights to some 1950s movies and re-make them. Not with an updated (i.e. ruined) version of the script, I mean REMAKE them literally scene for scene.
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #4. Posted on February 27, 2008, 12:03:02 PM by Andrew
Overall, the plot for this movie was just awful.  Your average person knows that dropping a nuclear bomb on a black hole is stupid.  In an old b-movie, the protagonists would have tried the meson cannon, a containment field, or some other gadget.

Oh, and it probably would have avoided the worthless subplot about Judd Nelson's ex-wife and daughter.  That was 100% padding.  And the special forces team that tries to capture the monster:  why were they wearing all of their gear and carrying weapons?  The people in charge knew that those useless against the energy monster; the only thing that carry extra stuff could do was slow the men down.

Did anybody else notice that the ticker at the bottom of the live footage of the black hole eating St. Louis was idiotic financial stuff - like stocks?

Honestly, the movie didn't even try. 
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #5. Posted on March 03, 2008, 10:34:12 PM by catherine
I literally fell off my chair laughing in the first few minutes of the film when they zoomed in on the Planetarium and subtitld it the "Midwest Quantum Research Laboratory". Seriously, if they want the Midwest Quantam Research Laboratory (known to the locals as the PLANETARIUM), couldn't they have chosen a building that WASN'T a place every 2nd grader within a fifty mile radius went to on their fieldtrips?

Seriously, the movie was so painful I couldn't stop laughing. St. Louis already IS a black hole, we don't need another one bringing a monster!
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #6. Posted on March 05, 2008, 04:33:40 PM by CoreyHeldpen
Ugh! This movie is awful in pretty much every way. I couldn't even get a laugh out of it it pained me so much.  Bluesad

But the monster looke dkinda sorta cool, even though it did resemble a glowing blue ghost of a Halo Elite.
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #7. Posted on July 04, 2008, 10:32:25 AM by Lacan
 Two (possible) reasons to watch this:
1: Military personnel deciding to nuke a black hole.
2: The black Hole in question being annoyed by a car alarm
Re: The Black Hole (2006)
Reply #8. Posted on June 07, 2010, 03:06:57 AM by shotora
Geez. This movie was wrong in so many ways. It was like a black hole only in the fact that it consumed my time. And, maybe it sucked my will to continue watching after a while. Still, I sat through it. The monster was amusing at certain points. The whole science and military batch of flimflam was a batch of face-palm moments. Brain death writing. I guess. I love extremely bad B-movies. Ones so bad that they should be paying me to watch them instead of my paying to buy or rent them. Yet, this movie was too bad for even me. Watch it if you want but there are much better movies out there. Much better.  Thumbdown Thumbdown Thumbdown
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