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6 March 2010
"Better late than never" does not apply to birth control.

6 November 2009
I want to make a movie in the same vein as those seal clubbing documentaries. It will feature hairy, uneducated, overweight men with cruel-looking clubs converging on a pristine white beach, and clubbing mermaids to death. Running time: 206 minutes.

20 August 2008
"Fartless waterfowl" - there, but for the grace of three consonants and a vowel, go I.

27 July 2008
My omelette can beat up your omelette.

21 April 2008
Katie puts my lunch together every day (I take a cooler and a thermos). Today I had grape tomatoes, an orange, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and warm cranberry juice.

At this time, I have no idea what I did that upset her, but I am going to ask.

27 March 2008
I have beheld the power of cheese. It does not burn very well.

16 March 2008
Near my sister's house there was a sign in front of a roadside store. It advertised "Apple Cider, Live Crabs, & Mulch." If you need to pick up those three items, but don't have time to make three stops, it's a lifesaver.

2 March 2008
The key to happiness is an FDA-approved pneumatic lubricant.

6 January 2008
My wife proudly handed me one of Andy's (he is almost three) drawings tonight. She asked, "What do you think this is a picture of?" to which I replied, "I am not sure, but it looks infected." Based upon her reaction, I failed to correctly identify the subject of my son's artwork.

It was supposed to be a train - in case you were wondering.

9 November 2007
Let me get this straight, every day Shakira is given a Sodium Pentathol injection on her right hip?

31 October 2007
When I was about twelve, I dressed up as a demon for Halloween. My costume was just a black jumpsuit, but I had a bright orange demon mask, complete with crazy hair and huge fangs. The best part was my scream, which must have been a product of my age and puberty. I could issue a blood-curdling, ear-piercing shriek! I spent the entire night jumping out of bushes and scaring the bejeezus out of other kids...until one unfortunate incident. A house in the neighborhood had a spruce tree right next to the front step, making it the perfect ambush spot. As a little kid approached the door, I sprang from the shadows and screamed my demonic howl. The little boy's outfit suddenly became very dark from the waist down as he wet himself. I immediately had to flee for my life with the boy's dad in hot pursuit. Fortunately (because that man was going to kick my ass, if he caught me), I got away.

7 September 2007
My Nephew: "Ewww, look at that dead toad!"
Me: "I'll give you a dollar to eat it."
My Nephew: "Really?"
My Sister: "Andrew, STOP!"

10 August 2007
So there I am, covered with maple syrup and bacon bits, trying to explain to my wife why the baby sitter is wearing a dog collar. And what keeps going through my head is, "Isn't this Saturday?"

27 July 2007
My mother has never been comfortable with the idea of traveling as a passenger in a vehicle that I am driving. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her reacting to stuff as if she was the driver. For example: her right foot reflexively trying to push down on the brake pedal when we are approaching a stop sign. Mom has also been known to tell me to slow down when I am already going the speed limit. I am in my thirties, married, and even own a minivan. Still, mom's nervous antics are my fault. Many years ago, mom was doing the same sort of stuff and one day I decided to mess with her. She had just told me to slow down when I grabbed the emergency brake, looked at her quite seriously, and said, "Prepare for emergency braking maneuver!" in a commanding tone.

What happened next is probably why my mother still doesn't trust my driving. I guess that is not the sort of trick you play on your mom - especially not one who is the excitable type.

Love you, mom.

25 May 2007
The Baptist practice of ensuring that all of their parishioners can swim is a good idea.

4 May 2007
It is obviously that time of year when male Robins hope to attract a female of their species. Along with any other mating habits, they defend their territory from rivals. Unfortunately, they cannot easily tell the difference between another bird and their own reflection in the tinted windows of my building. As a result, every couple of minutes I hear a dull thud on the window behind me. Hard impacts usually cause me to glance outside; invariably, a dazed male Robin is lying on the grass under the window.

I hope that these birds find mates soon. They are driving me crazy.

20 April 2007
I think that croquet mallets were originally invented to kill moles. Somebody designed a game around them later.

31 March 2007
One of the other Marines started to enter my office the other day. On a whim, I stood up, reached into a bag on my desk, and started throwing the contents at him as hard as I could. He retreated into the hallway, yelling, "I am going to kick your ass!" Then he noticed what I was pelting him with. "Are these chocolates? Thanks!" he said, before picking them up and leaving.

17 March 2007
I used to play "Oregon Trail" on the old Apple computer we had at school, but was not very good at it. As a result, I had to watch all my friends and family (I named my family in the game after them) either die of dysentery or drown. Mostly, it was dysentery. Imagine the horror of a young boy when he goes to the library and actually researches dysentery. After that I began naming the members of my family after my mortal enemies in school. Sometimes they made it all the way, but most often they were buried in shallow graves many miles before bloody diarrhea finished me off as well.

February 10, 2007
It is not possible to build a snowman using an old can of Reddi-wip. What does result is something that the neighbors should keep their Jack Russell Terrier away from. Especially if they will blame you when their dog attacks the mound of dessert topping in your yard.

February 3, 2007
I had steak, a baked potato, and steamed asparagus for dinner the other night. For two days, every time I urinated, the heavy odor of asparagus would fill the bathroom. I ask our corpsman about the phenomenon and he just shrugged.

January 27, 2007
Video killed the radio star - with the candlestick, in the living room.

October 31, 2006
Todd and Jenn are expecting a baby and it appears the creature is eating Jenn's brain from the inside out. She has been saying stuff like, "That band is world famous in Canada."

July 2, 2006
I am known for crafting elaborate insults when properly motivated. Some of the Marines actually try to annoy me, just to hear what will come out. This was one such insult: "The broken condom that resulted in your conception should be on display in a museum as a testement to the futility of human effort in the face of an uncaring universe."

July 10, 2005
My daughter has turned two and can be a very difficult child. However, I believe that I have formulated a plan to guarentee her good behavior through the teenage years.

I will obtain two kittens that are from the same litter and, hopefully, bear identical markings. When my daughter is called into the room, one kitten will be presented to her as a gift; it shall be her pet. The other kitten will be inside an industrial blender. "Jenna, every time mommy or daddy tell you to do something, I want you to remember today." At that time I will hit frappe. To ensure she gets the point, a tall glass will be filled from blender and I will take a sip, "Now, that is good kitten."

My wife has expressed some concern about this approach to parenting.

June 5, 2005
We spent a few days down at the beach with friends who had rented a house for a week. There were five children (ages three and under), so things were chaotic until all of them were in bed. After the kids were down, we would have time to talk, watch a movie, or play games. One night we played Taboo.

When playing Taboo you have two teams, a one minute timer, and cards. At the top of each card is the word that you, as the clue-giver, must get your team to say. Under it is a list of words you may not use as hints, else you get buzzed (a member of the other team sits by your shoulder, like some sort of twisted conscience) and the other team gets the point for the word. You have sixty seconds, every word that your team manages to guess is a point, but every word that you are buzzed or pass is a point for the opposing team.

Well, this is a fun game to play with adults who are drinking, especially when the teams are guys vs. gals. There were a couple that Bill and I pulled off that caused a roar of, "What the Hell?" from the women. For example: Bill says, "It lives in the ocean." Andrew shouts, "Octopus!" to which Bill screams, "Yes!" That sort of thing causes some serious angst.

However, possibly the funniest parts happened when I was the clue-giver. One round, and I think it was the first word I drew, I had to get them to say "Banker." Katie spent many years as a bank teller for Bank of America and Commerce Bank, so I offered, "This is what Katie used to do." Bill and Todd immediately yell, "Hooker!" (In perfect stereo.) At which point everyone collapses in laughter. I gave up trying to get them to guess the actual word, because they could not stop laughing. Oh and, for some reason, I was blamed for the two nincompoops calling my wife a hooker. Still trying to figure out how I was culpable.

Another round I needed to get my team to guess the word "Bran." I quickly hinted "you might add this to your early morning meal as roughage." and when they started guessing "cream of wheat" and "oatmeal" I continued giving clues. Finally, in desperation (because, this was taking far too long for "Bran") I sung a hint. It went like this, "I something, I something so far away." Bill immediately gets, "Ran?" but stops there, completely stuck. My wife, ready to buzz me, just starts laughing. When the time ran out, all I could do was snarl between clenched teeth, "Why are you so STUPID?" Which only made everyone laugh harder.

In my defense, "I bran, I bran so far away..." makes perfect sense at 1:00 AM, after a liberal application of Jack Daniels.

August 10, 2002
I was on my way to the unit when I saw Buddha and Buddha was driving a GMC Sierra.

Maybe I should explain. It was 7:00 AM on a clear, cool day (about fifty degrees Fahrenheit). There was a side street entering onto the main road I was on and sitting at that street was a red GMC Sierra. The driver was a short, chubby Asian man. He was bald and his smooth grape shone in the morning light. Because the sunrise was in front of him, the man was squinting and that made his eyes into almost perfect semicircles.

He was not wearing a shirt.

August 3, 2002
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea." - Douglas Adams.

July 29, 2002
Somebody needs to teach those cows how to spell "chicken."

June 23, 2002
While waiting for my seabag to arrive on the luggage carousel I noticed an infant car seat drop down the chute. Never one to pass up a chance, I clasped my hands to the sides of my head and started screaming, "Where's the baby?" At first the other people looked genuinely alarmed. Grinning, I picked up my seabag and left the airport before the crowd could get ugly.

February 24, 2002
Long ago (six or seven years) a friend and myself were playing "Hexen" against each other. He was the fighter and darn formidable since he knew where all the parts were located to construct his character's ultimate weapon (a nasty gladius). I was getting frustrated. Until, that is, I finally found the last part of Wraithverge: the cleric's version of a tactical nuke. Going around a corner I was suddenly blindsided by that cursed sword, but survived and dodged to the top of a small hill, blasting away with Wraithverge as I went. For those of you unfamiliar with the weapon, it shoots out a globe. Upon impact it splits into ghosts that rip the target apart. The beauty of it was that you did not have to hit the target, the ghosts would go after them. From the top of the hill I could see Steve running like a madman with about a dozen ghosts in close pursuit. He tried to escape via a door, but it was locked and decorum prevents me from reiterating what happened to the luckless fighter. Ah heck, it was ugly and very entertaining: little bits of Steve flying everywhere.

December 9, 2001
Do Mormon families buy two Nativity scenes for under their Christmas trees?

October 4, 2001
Physical injuries are a nearly unavoidable result of living an active lifestyle; sooner or later physics will get the best of you.. After one such injury, the military doctors referred me to a private company for physical rehabilitation. My trainers always put me on a treadmill to warm-up before a session. First off, I don't like treadmills - much preferring to actually go somewhere when running. Secondly, the physical therapy office was located on the third floor of an office building. That was no problem, the issue being that the treadmills were right in front of the windows. The net result was me running at an apparent cliff. I cannot speak for others, but suppressing an obvious and understandable self-preservation instinct for ten or twenty minutes is enough to drive a person stark raving mad. Plus, I was always thinking about worst-case scenarios, like the treadmill seizing up and me turning into a bipedal lemming.

July 13, 2001
I wonder why Mesron kept bringing me back; for the most part I was a violent bastard and a thief too.

June 24, 2001
Recently, an accident during some impromptu close combat training brought my leg into contact with a hard surface. The resulting gash (all the way to the bone) gained me a trip to the Navy medical center.

I'm sitting there, blood dripping off my leg onto the floor, when the corpsman begins irrigating it with saline solution. That's uncomfortable, but only mildly so. Then he decided to really get inventive. The madman took out a swab soaked in iodine and stuck it into my leg, thus earning an outburst from me: "Ow! That hurts you communist!" The Navy guy looked up at me and said, "Oh, you big baby." then went back to tapping on my bare bone.

Getting the stitches turned out to be a production too. When they told me that there would be a delay before they could get the local anesthetic I decided to have them sew it up without (by now some time had passed and I had stuff to finish before the day was over). Being sewn up with complete feeling was no so bad, especially compared to other treatment I received that day.

The "big baby" thing was still a cheap shot.

April 15, 2001
My spouse informed me that a woodpecker had taken an interest in our house. The evil little bird (Hitchcock was right!) had pecked out one or two knots in the cedar siding, but I decided to just hope he would realize there were no grubs or nesting opportunities to be had and go away. The other option was to shoot him with a pellet gun and that was a last resort. Well, Katie tells me a day or two later that he was going to town on the chimney; she could hear the metal shroud reverberating. This went on for a few days... I sadly decided that birdie had to go. Then, Saturday morning, I was awoken by this very same sound Katie had described. Quietly I stole onto the back deck and peered upward to find my target. When I found him all thoughts of murder fled and I just sat down laughing. Big happy belly laughs, my sides were hurting. Scared the bird off too, I didn't care. He was sitting on top the metal rain deflecter and pecking on it! Maybe it was a mating display and he wanted to make all that noise, but he looked like a very dumb woodpecker.

February 24, 2001
I was consuming a pile of wings at Hooters and realized something. If chickens have any sort of religion, it could never involve reincarnation. That would be way too depressing.

February 11, 2001
I think "The Three Little Pigs" was probably written by a Mason.

January 1, 2001
Foul weather has graced me with plenty of entertainment, namely seeing SUV owners learn the truth about their 4X4 vehicles. Here is a hint: 4-wheel drive does nothing to improve your braking or cornering, it just helps to keep you from getting stuck. If you want to drive on snow and ice then get some good tires for it and slow the heck down! Man, just seeing all the accidents has made me wish that I owned a automotive body shop. You're idiots, but you're idiots with expensive vehicles and insurance.

December 17, 2000
One of the problems with people using computers is that they get so involved as to completely ignore those around them. I hate that, but have a solution. Climb on top of them (their head and shoulders) and sit or lay down. Don't back off when warned to either, I've found they have to commit a controlled fall by leaning one way or the other to dislodge me. Pull this stunt once or twice and people make sure to give you their full attention.

October 31, 2000
Some pictures of the yard with Halloween decorations up, I had fun chasing kids around with the chainsaw all night (chain removed). Clicking on an image will reward you with a larger version.

October 8, 2000
I, personally, have never wished to be a hot dog.

October 1, 2000
On a sad note, the garden spider which had been spinning her (I think it was a her) web just outside my front door died on Thursday. It was a delight to see that beautiful web every morning, plus she didn't like my wife for some reason. I could walk by the web with no problem, but soon as Katie went to pass the spider would scurry all the way up to the house (her web was stretched between the hedge and my home, the top must have been nine feet from the ground). Imagine, an aloof spider.

September 17, 2000
One of my favorite ice breakers is the following: "If you were going to have a bowel movement and for some reason candy came out, what kind would it be?"

August 20, 2000
Someone annoyed me the other day, I responded by saying, "Let's just increase your chances of getting cancer, you jerk." and then aimed a remote control at them. As I merrily pressed away at the buttons he just shook his head and walked out. Poor doomed fool.

August 11, 2000
I have used a few public bathrooms in my time and always looked with much trepidation upon certain toilet seats that had mold growing on them. The thing that disturbs me most is considering what it must be living on. Ass-sweat, mold that lives on the perspiration from countless truck driver buttocks. Can any Buddhists out there tell me what one has to do wrong to come back as ass-sweat eating mold? I'd like to avoid that particular trespass.

July 30, 2000
Ever watch someone (else) deal with bees or wasps from a distance? Pretty funny isn't it? I have a friend named Mike Spence and years ago we were practicing our knife throwing. The target was a rotting stump and when Mike went to fetch the blades all the yellowjackets inhabiting the stump decided to welcome him. I almost fell down with laughter before noticing he was fleeing directly toward myself.

June 18, 2000
Gib meh bak my node grampa.

June 11, 2000
Visited Bourbon Street (New Orleans) to have a few drinks, which is the greatest place in the world to be a male armed with plastic beads.

June 4, 2000
Walking through the mall I was treated to a girl, who had a bad head cold, trying to smell scented candles. Talk about an effort in futility, and it sounded nasty.

May 24, 2000
Vacuuming just prior to steam cleaning the carpets in our new house I noticed a moth attracted to the bright light on the vacuum. Yes, he did eventually stray too close...

May 21, 2000
Watching TV I found a program that educated the masses about hot dogs. One section went into the manufacture of "skinless" hot dogs. Not really impressive until you see them remove the temporary wrapping they use while the links are cooked. The factory worker inserts this huge chain of links into one side of the machine and the stripped hot dogs are literally fired (in rapid succession, it looks like an uzi shooting sausages) out of the other end into a vat, flying several feet through the air in the process. Great first date movie, I assure you.

May 14, 2000
If you ever want to upset a pregnant woman conduct the following:

YOU: "Do you love that baby in your belly?"
HER: "Why yes, very much."
YOU: "Then why did you eat him?"

Make sure you are out of reach, just in case. This was courtesy of an old "Bloom County" piece.

May 7, 2000
Trying to type the site updates and eat dinner didn't work, I now have a pile of pasta in my lap. Terrific.

April 30, 2000
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

April 22, 2000
I was yelled at today for wishing a Jewish friend "Happy Easter."

April 16, 2000
For some odd reason everyone always thinks babies are cute. Our Navy Corpseman has a picture of his nephew and I think my comments offended him. It went something like this: "What sort of freak kid is this? His head looks like a building block, if I had a couple more babies like him I could make something."

April 9, 2000
Playing Quake II with the Chaos Deathmatch patch, one of the worst things is to turn a corner and see four or five smiley faces. Oh well, at least homing rockets level the playing field for my opponents, though I have become rather proficient at evading them as well.

April 2, 2000
Driving down the highway one day I noticed a dead car, the owner was morosely sitting in the driver's seat with his door open. The funny thing was that two buzzards were slowly circling directly over the car.

March 27, 2000
Recently I took a trip with several other Marines to visit the reserve unit in Allentown, PA. Our final leg was on a tiny (We're talking a dozen seats.) prop aircraft. The pilot asked me to change seats so he could balance the plane. I weigh just a bit less than two hundred pounds, moving to balance the load struck me as immensely funny, it was only after the Master Sergeant fixed me with a glaring look that I stopped making comments like, "There's something on the wing!" or "Remember that time the propeller fell off?"

March 19, 2000
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock. (Not an original, ran across this somewhere.)

March 12, 2000
There are plenty of mean practical jokes to play on people you don't like, but try putting powdered milk in their sheets. Best done during the summer to someone without air conditioning, there are so few social blunders like smelling of sour milk.

March 5, 2000
Did tuna fish taste better with dolphin in it?

February 27, 2000
In my youth there was a healthy rivalry between my group of young boys and the counterpart group of young girls in the neighborhood, we were probably ten or so. One time our group "captured" three of the girls and tied them to a tree. (Women: Don't get all huffy, one time they locked us in a shed for several hours.) Right after we finished the last knot someone noticed that large black ants were swarming over the trunk, do you have any idea how amusing it is to watch your mortal enemies thrash around in a desperate effort to get free?

December 26 - January 1 2000
For some reason I now have a rather large supply of coal on hand...

December 19 - December 25 1999
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." - Bobcat Goldthwait.

December 12 - December 18 1999
I was yelled at the other day for getting rid of the leftovers, granted I was accomplishing this by stuffing them down the sink's garbage disposal fast as possible and yelling "Eat it!"

December 5 - December 11 1999
Sure we're all one big happy family, but some of us are illegitimate.

November 28 - December 4 1999
Wanna buy a duck?

November 21 - November 27 1999
Once two friends were trying to teach my nephew how to do an endo on his bike. What it involves is stopping the front tire with your foot and balancing on just the front tire, sort of a reverse wheelie standing still. Obviously they didn't explain it correctly; Nick gets up some speed then jams his foot into the front fork while leaning forward. (You got it, he starts to flip.) Rather than releasing the handlebars he holds on for some reason and drags his face along the pavement. Ever see a kid with no skin on his forehead, nose, or chin?

November 14 - November 20 1999
Picture source unknown.
The most impressive thing I've ever seen someone do with beer.

November 7 - November 13 1999
Watching TV today I saw an ad for Xenical, some sort of weight loss drug. Anyway, one of the side effects was "Gas with oily discharge." Lovely...

October 31 - November 6 1999

October 24 - October 30 1999
Just attended the first Catholic wedding I can remember, Todd Reinhart's in New York City. Best man gets to hold the rings, well before allowing the bride and groom to exchange the little trinkets they get sprinkled with holy water and blessed. After the ceremony what do all the other groomsmen comment on? That I didn't start steaming and collapse when it hit my skin. Hey, I'm a little eccentric and rowdy at times, not evil. Shriek a couple words in Latin and spit feathers once - people never let you forget it...

October 17 - October 23 1999
It sure seems like everyone has a friend named "Steve."

October 10 - October 16 1999
I remember having this term paper to turn in for high school, back in the days when I had a Commodore 64. In any case, the paper (All twenty or so pages of it.) is finished, proofed, spell checked, you name it. I go to print and the disk drive eats the disk! Arrgghhh! Spent the entire night retyping it from my last draft; I took a NoDoze and drank several cups of coffee. I don't usually drink soda, much less that much caffeine. After finishing around nine in the morning and going to school I was a little loopy. Everything was hilarious to me.

Teacher: "Andy, what is your problem?"
Very Hyper Me: "You look like a big penguin!" (I said this to the Chemistry teacher in her garb.)
Teacher: "Go to the office!"
Very Hyper Me: (Maniacal laughter.)

Tragedy was averted when the assistant principle figured out what my malfunction was and sent me home to get some rest.

October 3 - October 9 1999
Never trust a group of grinning Marines who are carrying several rolls of tape.

September 26 - October 2 1999
One time I was walking along the edge of a field bordered by trees, suddenly there is a sharp "crack"" sound from the trees so I start looking for what made the noise. Nothing, couldn't find a thing. Another "crack!" and now the young lad (I was twelve or so) looks around again. There, on his back step about 100 yards away is Ryan Wayson's older brother, busy pumping up his bb gun for another shot... (Oh hell yes I ran.)

September 19 - September 25 1999
Just a fun piece from a book I'm fond of:

The party and the Krikkit warship looked, in their writhings, a little like two ducks, one of which is trying to make a third duck inside the second duck, while the second duck is trying very hard to explain that it doesn't feel ready for a third duck right now, is uncertain that it would want any putative third duck to be made by this particular first duck anyway, and certainly not while, it, the second duck, was busy flying.

September 12 - September 18 1999
I am not the only person who has strange dreams. A friend of mine had this nightmare where he was locked in a warehouse. That's not very frightening, but here's the kicker: hair was quickly growing out of the floor and he was using a razor to shave it away. (I guess to keep it from overwhelming him.) I'd love to hear Freud's thoughts on that...

September 5 - September 11 1999
When somebody says something you can't quite make out retort, "What? Cut medicare?" or perhaps, "No, the Pope isn't Jewish, he's Catholic."

August 29 - September 4 1999
Several years ago we discovered Goldschlager, 102 proof hot cinnamon schnapps, that spells trouble. Had this friend in the Navy by the name of John Dietche, he was very good at injuring himself. Take into account that he was an ordinance type (Loaded missiles and bombs on the planes.) and you wonder why he's still alive. We'd been doing shots of Goldschlager, lighting and then blowing them out before drinking of course. After a while John and Steve are pretty well hammered, so at one point John thinks he has extinguished his shot. Upon picking up the still burning liquid he sloshes the contents all over his hand. AMAZINGLY he doesn't notice this - Steve does. Steve points it out to John. (This involves pointing at the flaming member and yelling, "Dude! Your hand!") John appraises the situation and trades the shot glass to his other hand; more sloshing, now he has two arms on fire. Good thing about alcohol, it doesn't burn very hot, but by now he's feeling it. So he drops the shot glass, still ablaze, onto my floor and starts jumping around waving his flaming hands in the air. While Steve and myself stomp out my floor, John finally snuffs out his hands by putting them under his armpits.

August 22 - August 28 1999
With enough patience and duct tape you can stick a cat to anything.

August 15 1999 - August 21 1999
I received this picture via email.
For once, advertising that makes sense.

August 8 - August 14 1999
I have a fat sister, dead serious about this. One time I threw a rock at her, it just started circling.

August 1 - August 7 1999
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-Jon Stewart.

July 25 - July 31 1999
Those little paper shredder things are cool. Almost the same entertainment level as in-sink garbage disposals. By the way, you can't fit a cat in either.

July 11 - July 17 1999
Note to self: telling somebody who randomly bumps into you out in public, "Don't touch me there, you're not my father." is probably going to cause a fracas.

July 4 - July 10 1999
A bit of wisdom from Tim Rohe: "Peeing in the bathtub isn't near as much fun as peeing in the shower."

June 27 1999 - July 3 1999
"God is dead." - Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead." - God.

(Not an original from myself, I remember this from an email at some point.)

June 20 1999 - June 26 1999
Fourth of July is on it's way. Everybody be careful with those fireworks. Speaking of rockets, one of the less intelligent actions of my adolescent period was to ignite a model rocket engine. (Not in a rocket, just lying on the ground ENTIRELY unguided.) It's a little difficult trying to explain to your mother why the white shirt has a scorch mark on the front.

June 13 1999 - June 19 1999
Picture from

June 6 1999 - June 12 1999
"FOETOREM EXTEMAE LATRINAE." - Latin for "You are the stench of a low-life latrine."

May 29 1999 - June 5 1999
Did you know there are guys out there who are "regrowing" their foreskin? Men circumcised at birth who now want it back, and quite a few are using natural techniques. (Evidently it involves months of stretching and pulling.) Don't believe me? Use a search engine to look for "foreskin restoration" and take a look. You laugh, but the whole reason to get on this subject is that somebody I know is doing it. (Not a coy way of saying myself, an entirely different male person I know is doing this.) Now, since there is a elastic tip on the "uncut" version - I guess the effect of stretching out an inch or two of new foreskin will look odd. Like one's manhood wearing a hooded sweatshirt or something.

May 22 1999 - May 28 1999
Want to get on somebody's nerves? Try impersonating an animal and attacking them. (You need to be bigger than them.) I'm famous for my "Mantis" and "Chicken" impressions, "Mantis" involves holding your arms like the insect does, then whipping them out to snag passers by. "Chicken" is more subtle, you make a chicken head and beak with one hand. (Hold your thumb and forefinger together, then use plenty of imagination.) Now, make it look at the person and say, "Chicken, chicken..." a few times. (Make sure you open and close the beak.) At this point they're probably ignoring you, start pecking them in the head (Saying, "Chicken!" with each peck.) and see what happens.

May 15 1999 - May 21 1999
Never let the drunk guy near a treadmill...

May 8 1999 - May 14 1999
Went to the beach once with Todd, his girlfriend at the time, and my nephew Nick. We rented a boogie board and were enjoying the rather large waves, Nick and myself taking turns riding the board in. I had just finished up a wave and turned to see a MONSTER (For DE beaches, probably about eight or nine feet.) rolling in on Nick. He yells, "Throw me the boogie board!" and I respond, "Just jump into it, I'll get it to you after this one passes." He shakes his head violently and we argue for a minute, by now the thing is looming over him. One last time from Nick, "THROW ME THE BOOGIE BOARD!" to my response, "NICK, DIVE INTO IT, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" He turns around and spreads his arms wide as it crashes down, I just saw his feet briefly (sticking out of the frothing water) then he thankfully washed up onto shore.

May 2 1999 - May 7 1999
Back when I lived in the barracks we often engaged in wrestling matches, during one such brawl this little Navy Corpsman (He must have weighed about one hundred pounds sopping wet.) named Mike Weeks jumped off my rack and full body blocked me. While being knocked back I did catch him, then lifting his body above my head and proclaiming, "I SACRIFICE YOU TO CROMM!" he was ceremoniously slammed into the floor from a height of about 6 feet.

APRIL 25 1999 - May 1 1999
I don't think police universally like doughnuts.

APRIL 18 1999 - APRIL 24 1999
Taking a run near the base (it's in the middle of a desert) I saw a roadrunner. Those little guys can go; they probably wouldn't taste good anyway.

APRIL 11 1999 - APRIL 17 1999
Starting to get hair in really weird places, like on the end of my nose. If you have a German grandfather, look in his ears, I'm not relishing the idea. (Don't laugh by the way, unless your adopted you'll look much the same given time.) Wonder if shaving the inside of gramp's ears would help his hearing...

APRIL 4 1999 - APRIL 10 1999
Why Cadbury Eggs are the Devil's Spawn (May or so of 1987)
I am a leading expert on why Andrew Borntreger (That would be me.) is an idiot. My freshman year in high school some friends and myself happened upon a drugstore selling Cadbury Eggs, they still had them left over from Easter and they were a piddly ten cents apiece. Three of us purchased ten dollars worth (A hundred, see this coming don't you?), deciding to eat thirty-three each and save one for posterity - I don't know whose. Now Cadbury Eggs weigh 1.37 ounces each, eating 33 of them is 45.21 ounces (Nearly three pounds.) of candy. I was the only one to eat my full share. I was also the only one to soon become VIOLENTLY PHYSICALLY ILL and vomit up heaps of thick syrup. It was ghastly. It was one of the most outstandingly nasty episodes in my life. I've helped kill a bottle of tequila before and paid for that. IT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO VOMITING UP THIRTY-THREE HALF DIGESTED CADBURY EGGS. Enough said, I'm an idiot.

The facts about Cadbury Eggs:
Net weight: 1.37 ounces (38.84 grams)
Calories: 180
Fat: 6 g
Sodium: 25 mg
Carbohydrates: 29 g
Protein: 2 g
Ingredients: milk chocolate (milk chocolate contains milk; sugar; cocoa butter; chocolate; soya lecithin, an emulsifier; vanillan and other artifical flavorings); sugar; corn syrup; invert sugar; vanillan, an artificial flavoring; egg whites, artificial coloring (includes Yellow 6) AND THE DEVIL. (Okay, I added the last, Cadbury eggs do not - I repeat do not, contain the devil.)

MARCH 28 1999 - APRIL 3 1999
This week we have a joke:
What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer says "whack... ...DAMN!" and a skydiver says "Damn... ...WHACK!"
I don't make them up; I just tell them.

MARCH 21 1999 - MARCH 27 1999
While in New York City recently Todd gets the bright idea of picking up some Cantonese food from a place around the corner. (Which he has never tried before.) Needless to say it wasn't a very successful experiment, most of it tasted like ass and Gary's had a staple in it.

MARCH 14 1999 - MARCH 20 1999
Ah, Saint Patrick's Day... ...well, I have an Irish story. Um, sort of. (Warning, there's toilet humor coming. Stop reading now if this offends.) While still in high school, a group of friends and myself visited a pub called "The Irish Eyes" at the beach. I'm pretty sure it was around said named holiday. We were there for lunch and during it I needed to use the bathroom. (I had to pee.) Upon arriving in the public restroom, I found there was one urinal, occupied by an older man. So I went into the stall and began my business. During this I felt the need to release some gas pressure, so I did. What issued forth was not only loud, but mildly painful. (You laugh, you find that disgusting. Don't feel so high and mighty, I know you've done it too.) So I said, in a loud and questioning tone, "Ouch?" That's not the star attraction here: I'd forgotten about the gent using the urinal. He says, "Oh... ...GOD!" in a choked voice and flees the facilities. I wander out eventually to the questioning gazes of my friends who all want to know what I did to the guy. Seems he rushed out of the pub altogether. Sir, if you're out there and reading this - I'm really sorry.

MARCH 7 1999 - MARCH 13 1999
More wisdom from Mr. Simplicity. (I actually have a small notebook full of his sayings.) We're stuck in a traffic jam when he notices the car to our right and slightly ahead has Pennsylvania plates. These read as follows: "You've got a friend in PA." Steve yells out the window at them, "If you're my friend then get the f**k out of my way." Said with a perfectly straight face, no laughter, nothing more - just goes back to surveying the landscape.

FEBRUARY 28 1999 - MARCH 6 1999
My wife recently adopted a cat from the local rescue and it is an attention hog. Around three in the morning I end up with a cat on my chest, meowing at me. They are amazingly aerodynamic creatures...

FEBRUARY 21 1999 - FEBRUARY 27 1999
Right back to talking about my nephew; being young kids we liked to torture each other. For example, I woke up a few times with shampoo in my hair. So once, using a waterproof "Sharpie" marker, I labeled most of his body parts. You know, in case he forgot... ...imagine his surpise the next morning when the mirror revealed "forehead" across that part of his face. And of course there were others: hand, arm, leg, foot, chest, stomach, neck. Do you know why they call them permanent markers? Well, they're not on skin, but it takes some dedicated scrubbing.

FEBRUARY 14 1999 - FEBRUARY 20 1999
My Valentine's Day wisdom: This "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" crap really annoyes me. I should write a book titled "The Positive Effect of Negative Reinforcement in Relationships."

FEBRUARY 7 1999 - FEBRUARY 13 1999
Okay, we all know that I'm a Marine by now. Sometimes that entails standing guard duty, this is usually VERY BORING (which is good if you think about it). Once on guard duty I had two tires that needed to be moved where cleanup crews could pick them up. The parking lot was on a slope with the building downhill from it. I started rolling the two tires slowly down the hill. About a quarter the way down one started getting away, so I pushed the other toward the curb and stopped my wayward tire. Now, the tire I pushed aside actually straightened out and began careening downhill - right into traffic. Not good! I start jogging after it, then running, finally catching up and leaning down to push it over. No good, it's moving too fast. Okay, I kick it - hard. BIG WOBBLE and then it continues to accelerate. About thirty yards from the road now and at a dead run I JUMP KICK THE COMMUNIST TIRE. This sends me rolling, end over end, on asphalt (ouch) and the tire flying up into the grass where, thankfully, it stops. Damn tire.

JANUARY 31 1999 - FEBRUARY 6 1999
A joke this week:
Woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single, are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're damned ugly."

JANUARY 24 1999 - JANUARY 30 1999
Time to introduce everyone to Mr. Simplicity, that's Steve. He's really good at getting down to the root of things, usually in a way offensive to someone but incredibly amusing (it's in his delivery too).
We're flipping channels and find a talk show, some women complaining their work's dental plans weren't enough. You know: I'm losing my teeth, it's Burger King's fault that I didn't finish high school and can't afford it on my pay, all that crap. Steve watches this for about ten seconds and belts out, "You want a dental plan? Brush your F***ing teeth!" then starts flipping channels again. Meanwhile, I'm laughing Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola out my nose.

JANUARY 17 1999 - JANUARY 23 1999
Once I had a nightmare about being eaten by the Michelin Tire man. That one is not in any of the dream books.

JANUARY 10 1999 - JANUARY 16 1999
My oldest nephew's name is Nick. He is about six years younger than me and we shared a room before I joined the Marines. One night, while I was working on the computer (Game, school assignment, I don't know.) he started talking in his sleep. He's laying there on his side and first says, "They changed the bottom..." which is weird, but not alarming right? Then he rolls onto his back and gruffly yells, "...Sons of bitches!" I left him alone.

JANUARY 3 1999 - JANUARY 9 1999
I used to play little league baseball. Once I was watching another game with a girl playing catcher. She missed the pitch and this baseball, going about fifty miles per hour, hit her right in the crotch. It made a hollow "THWOK" sound. She fell over.
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