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NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1988 Miracle Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 25 June 2008
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Before I even put the DVD into the player, I knew that this movie was going to be a nuisance. The case cover says, "Traci Lords is...not of this Earth." Traci Lords is Nadine, a nurse (I am sure it was not the first time she played a nurse). She is completely human. It would be more accurate if the tagline was, "Traci Lords is...not underage anymore." There is also a creature depicted on the cover that does not appear in the film, even including the implausibly injected footage from "Galaxy of Terror," "Star Pilot," "Humanoids from the Deep," and other Roger Corman films.
I just spent the entire first paragraph pointing out that the cover is wildly innaccurate. Great, it is going to be one of those films.
Nadine is assigned by Dr. Rochelle to care for a man who has a strange blood condition. Mr. Johnson's problem is that he requires regular blood transfusions to survive, because his blood is breaking down. So, Nadine arrives at Mr. Johnson's mansion, where she is introduced to Jeremy. Talk about a little weasel. Jeremy is a small-time crook turned full-time chauffer and all-around flunky.
Wait a minute! Traci Lords dressed as a nurse, older man with sunglasses, young chauffer, big mansion - I know where this movie is going!
Bump - chaka - wa - wa!
Except, it doesn't. The story's focus is Mr. Johnson's real purpose on Earth: collection samples of human blood. You see, the tall and darkly dressed fellow (he looks like a Blues Brother imitator) comes from a world ravaged by nuclear war. It is a highly advanced civilization, though obviously not highly enough advanced to avoid pressing the big red button (you know, the one with "everybody dies" on it). Anyway, the Blues Brother from another planet spends a lot of his time sucking the souls out of hapless fodder. After their souls are gone, Mr. Johnson goes to work. He carries around a metal suitcase that contains an apparatus for quickly draining the blood from a victim. Somebody needs to tell the guy that the average person contains six quarts, because it looks like the vampiric alien only harvests one or two quart containers from each subject. You call that efficient? Give that machine to the Red Cross; the blood supply shortage will be over in no time.
Whatever you do, do not let a lawyer get their hands on the blood-sucking machine, even if the lawyer regularly does volunteer work for the Red Cross.
Eventually, the civil chaos consuming Mr. Johnson's homeworld boils over into ours. Meaning that one blonde woman, who also wears sunglasses, appears and immediately receives an unauthorized transfusion. Quite a pity that the stolen quart of blood was infected with rabies. Mr. Johnson's friend perishes from lethal acne (that's what rabies does to you), and the alien vampire resorts to desperate measures to save his blighted world.
Depending on the sex of the actor, the performances are either decent or terrible. Overall, the men played their parts fine. Arthur Roberts as Mr. Johnson was enjoyable, and Jeremy's character is an acceptable weasel. All of the women are bad. Traci's acting is a mess, but in her defense, Mr. Johnson picks up three hookers who are the absolute worst actresses in the film - meaning that they are notably excruiciating.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
|  | Curiosity almost killed the chauffer.
| | | The secret to spit-shining your shoes is to use a pancake instead of cloth.
| | | Hundreds of vacuum cleaner salesmen could disappear and the only people who would notice is the chimney sweeps.
| | | Testing an animal for rabies requires a blood sample of at least one quart.
| | | Alka-Seltzer is available in a vitamin enriched raspberry flavor.
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| | | 1 min - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | | 22 mins - Man, those old Norelco cordless shavers sure were huge.
| | | 32 mins - Traci Lords is "The Keymaster" (bet you thought she was going to be "The Gatekeeper").
| | | 47 mins - Every member of the cast was treated for acute wallpaper poisoning.
| | | 64 mins - For what? She doesn't have any eyes!
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| Jeremy: "How you doing, baby? It's nice to see some new talent around here."
| Mr. Johnson: "You are not dying. I am dying."
| Mr. Johnson: "It is finshed. Do you feel relieved?"
Alien Woman: "I feel disturbed."
Mr. Johnson: "The blood of this planet is rich."
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Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #1. Posted on June 25, 2008, 05:45:26 PM by akiratubo
The best part of this movie is the opening credit montage of other Corman-produced crap movies with that zany music.
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Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #2. Posted on June 26, 2008, 07:20:59 AM by Jack
Traci Lords, blue bikini, zoom and slo-mo functions on the remote...it don't get no better than that  Movies like this are the reason I'll always be a fan of Jim Wynorski - he gives the B movie fan exactly what they want. |
| Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #3. Posted on June 26, 2008, 10:01:32 AM by justin
I rented this a couple years ago at Family Video & it was a fun movie. If the DVD wasn't so expensive I'd buy it. If I'm not mistaken, I believe this was the last time Traci got naked in a movie. I guess, she's a 'serious' actress now.  |
Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #4. Posted on June 26, 2008, 04:29:49 PM by mrgb46
I have this movie only because of Traci Lords,since she's the only thing worth watching.Did anyone else notice the film flubs?? The crew's reflection in the car as they're pulling in the driveway;her wearing high heels,then she isn't,then she is after she gets out of the shower;her wearing shoes,then she's barefooted,then she's isn't towards the end as she's being chased??? I might have left out a few more,but you get the idea..Yes,this is a bad movie and yes,some of the performances aren't all that good,but I can't stop thinking about that blue bikini!!!!
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Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #5. Posted on June 26, 2008, 11:25:26 PM by indianasmith
I liked this movie in college for two reasons . . . actually for several sets of two reasons. |
Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #6. Posted on June 27, 2008, 03:53:42 PM by mrgb46
I liked this movie in college for two reasons . . . actually for several sets of two reasons. I know what you mean and couldn't agree more!!! |
Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
I saw this on Scfi back in January and I loved every second of it Not only was there an antagonist who was so quirky and enjoyable a character and a giant space jellyfish that could vaporize you, Richard Belzar is in it! That alone makes this movie golden  The morphy-face alien was a kooky touch, too. This is just a very enjoyable movie that taps just the right cinematic vein (unintentional pun). |
Re: Not of This Earth (1988)
Reply #8. Posted on June 29, 2008, 10:10:36 PM by Andrew
I saw this on Scfi back in January and I loved every second of it Not only was there an antagonist who was so quirky and enjoyable a character and a giant space jellyfish that could vaporize you, Richard Belzar is in it! That alone makes this movie golden The morphy-face alien was a kooky touch, too. This is just a very enjoyable movie that taps just the right cinematic vein (unintentional pun). You saw the 1995 version. This is the 1988, which is the lesser of the 3 versions (1957, 1988, 1995). I keep hoping that they will release the 1995 "Not of This Earth" on DVD, but I am almost ready to sacrifice livestock to get a DVD release of the original 1957 movie. | | Pages: [1] 2 | |
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