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ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1991 Rose and Rusty Productions.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Abraxas - Jesse "The Body" Ventura ladies and gentlemen! A "finder" protecting the known galaxy from criminals.
  • Secundus - Used to be Abraxas' partner, now intent on finding the "anti-life equation" and becoming a godlike force. Get's zapped.
  • Sonia - Girl who Secundus impregnates.
  • Tommy - Offspring of Secundus and Sonia, he is a comater (Komator? Or something like that, work with me.) and able to formulate the "anti-life equation."
  • Dar and Hite - Dispatchers for Abraxas.
  • Deputy White - Little but annoying cop.
  • Sheriff Sharp - Down to earth county sheriff.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Jesse "The Body" Ventura, governor of Minnesota and defender of the universe. What else could you want from a bad movie? Well, first and foremost - cut out the soft jazz music soundtrack. Gads it was annoying, everything to soft music... ...a tender moment between Abraxas and Sonia: soft jazz. Abraxas and Secundus kicking the crap out of each other: soft jazz. Somebody sitting on the toilet, okay that didn't happen but if it had: soft jazz. Well, our favorite wrestler-turned-state leader is a sort of intergalactic cop, protecting everyone and thing from the bad guys. Secundus was his partner, now a serious bad guy, intent on discovering an equation which will grant him limitless power. To this end he impregnates Sonia, lucky for her Abraxas is no heartless killer, she raises the resulting child rather well. Except he doesn't talk, until the end of course. The bad guy escapes prison, intent on wringing the anti-life equation out of Tommy, so the good guy pursues (insert relevant names here) and a climatic battle is imminent! Imminent in the sequel, but imminent none the less. I must recommend this film with reservation, but you have to hear the governor of Minnesota say, "My box has VD."

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Ozone is used to reinforce bones.
  • Aliens can make a woman pregnant through their palms.
  • Women can give birth with their pants on.
  • There is a mathematical theorem called the "anti-life equation."
  • Soft jazz music doesn't go well with two men fighting.
  • When carrying a crowbar and attacked - use it.
  • Don't ask a woman if a guy is her mating partner.
  • Naked Jesse Ventura should not offer to tell a young kid a story involving two men.
  • A woman clearing her throat means she wants sex, like now.
  • Small town cops always carry an uzi.
  • Aliens hate car doors.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Two people parking to make out huh? You are so screwed...
  • 16 mins - She got real pregnant real fast.
  • 17 mins - Ugh, Kenny G music.
  • 19 mins - Hey dad, doesn't it strike you as odd your daughter left this evening not pregnant and comes home in the morning with an infant?
  • 31 mins - Okay, enough of the "running through the woods" scene.
  • 35 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PEPSI!
  • 38 mins - Just some girl getting her head crushed.
  • 46 mins - Ouch! (Stabbed with a lamp.)
  • 58 mins - Abraxas gets to see some home grown hooters.
  • 62 mins - Apartment? She was living in a two story house!
  • 79 mins - Painful slow motion fight scene, set to light listening music of course.

Quotes: 

  • Abraxas: "You will speak when spoken to or I will deactivate your vocal mode."
  • Abraxas: "I'll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday. That's a little bit more than six, isn't it?"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note abraxas1.wav Hite: "Secundus would be irrelevent if you had eliminated the girl before she gave birth."
Abraxas: "None of us could be certain her child would possess the anti-life equation."
Green Music Note abraxas2.wav Abraxas: "My box has VD trust me."
Woman: "Your what?"
Abraxas: "VD, vibrational detection."
Green Music Note abraxas3.wav Sonia: "Think you space guys or whatever it is you are could have dropped me a note or something? You know, just to let me know that I'm not crazy."
Green Music Note abraxas4.wav Abraxas' gushy closing remarks, set to easy listening music... (To understand my pain you must listen to this.)

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipabraxas1.mpg - 2.5m
There is nothing like guys fighting to soothing music, in addition to fireworks going off at random. Ha! You thought I was joking about the soundtrack didn't you?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 ... 5
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #1. Posted on August 06, 1999, 07:54:55 AM by legumeman@yahoo.com
 This movie was utter crap. I think you made a mistake with the rating aswell because in Australia this film is only rated M. If it is rated R then censorship laws have alot to answer for.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #2. Posted on November 17, 1999, 11:14:05 PM by
This girl had a baby with all of her clothes on??? What did she do, cough it out?
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #3. Posted on December 09, 1999, 10:25:10 AM by Paul Westbrook
I rented this film for some friends one time, and they said that watching Jesse wrestle is much better than seeing him act in this junk. Jesse, stick to wrestling, and politics.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #4. Posted on January 24, 2000, 03:05:37 PM by Paul H.
I really wanted to like this movie, after all I am from Minnesota and grew up only 3 miles from Jesse's house.  However, this movie sucks.  And the only way for a movie to suck in my book is to be boring.  Whats is with the bad camera work and long chases in the woods.  I think I fell asleep at that point.  

Rating 2.5 out of ten or 1 green glob.

As for all of his other Movies.  Jesse is the star.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #5. Posted on February 05, 2000, 09:58:29 PM by Adam
Wasn't there a scene where Tommy mentally makes another kid pee his pants?
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #6. Posted on February 20, 2000, 10:26:14 AM by Stefan Robak
The Anti-Life equation?  Wasn't that something that the comic book villain Darkseid (not a typo) was looking for?  Oh, well. The New Gods suck anyway.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #7. Posted on July 14, 2000, 01:52:32 PM by The Co-mater
I'd have to say that this was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, and it wasn't meant to be funny. Watch the movie if you need a good laugh. Can somebody do me a favor and provide me with Ground Transportation?
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jeremy French
A friend lent me this movie about 3 years ago to show me how bad is was.  I'm a movie lightweight, and could only manage about half way through before I gave up.
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