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ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1991 Rose and Rusty Productions.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Abraxas - Jesse "The Body" Ventura ladies and gentlemen! A "finder" protecting the known galaxy from criminals.
  • Secundus - Used to be Abraxas' partner, now intent on finding the "anti-life equation" and becoming a godlike force. Get's zapped.
  • Sonia - Girl who Secundus impregnates.
  • Tommy - Offspring of Secundus and Sonia, he is a comater (Komator? Or something like that, work with me.) and able to formulate the "anti-life equation."
  • Dar and Hite - Dispatchers for Abraxas.
  • Deputy White - Little but annoying cop.
  • Sheriff Sharp - Down to earth county sheriff.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Jesse "The Body" Ventura, governor of Minnesota and defender of the universe. What else could you want from a bad movie? Well, first and foremost - cut out the soft jazz music soundtrack. Gads it was annoying, everything to soft music... ...a tender moment between Abraxas and Sonia: soft jazz. Abraxas and Secundus kicking the crap out of each other: soft jazz. Somebody sitting on the toilet, okay that didn't happen but if it had: soft jazz. Well, our favorite wrestler-turned-state leader is a sort of intergalactic cop, protecting everyone and thing from the bad guys. Secundus was his partner, now a serious bad guy, intent on discovering an equation which will grant him limitless power. To this end he impregnates Sonia, lucky for her Abraxas is no heartless killer, she raises the resulting child rather well. Except he doesn't talk, until the end of course. The bad guy escapes prison, intent on wringing the anti-life equation out of Tommy, so the good guy pursues (insert relevant names here) and a climatic battle is imminent! Imminent in the sequel, but imminent none the less. I must recommend this film with reservation, but you have to hear the governor of Minnesota say, "My box has VD."

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Ozone is used to reinforce bones.
  • Aliens can make a woman pregnant through their palms.
  • Women can give birth with their pants on.
  • There is a mathematical theorem called the "anti-life equation."
  • Soft jazz music doesn't go well with two men fighting.
  • When carrying a crowbar and attacked - use it.
  • Don't ask a woman if a guy is her mating partner.
  • Naked Jesse Ventura should not offer to tell a young kid a story involving two men.
  • A woman clearing her throat means she wants sex, like now.
  • Small town cops always carry an uzi.
  • Aliens hate car doors.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Two people parking to make out huh? You are so screwed...
  • 16 mins - She got real pregnant real fast.
  • 17 mins - Ugh, Kenny G music.
  • 19 mins - Hey dad, doesn't it strike you as odd your daughter left this evening not pregnant and comes home in the morning with an infant?
  • 31 mins - Okay, enough of the "running through the woods" scene.
  • 35 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PEPSI!
  • 38 mins - Just some girl getting her head crushed.
  • 46 mins - Ouch! (Stabbed with a lamp.)
  • 58 mins - Abraxas gets to see some home grown hooters.
  • 62 mins - Apartment? She was living in a two story house!
  • 79 mins - Painful slow motion fight scene, set to light listening music of course.

Quotes: 

  • Abraxas: "You will speak when spoken to or I will deactivate your vocal mode."
  • Abraxas: "I'll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday. That's a little bit more than six, isn't it?"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note abraxas1.wav Hite: "Secundus would be irrelevent if you had eliminated the girl before she gave birth."
Abraxas: "None of us could be certain her child would possess the anti-life equation."
Green Music Note abraxas2.wav Abraxas: "My box has VD trust me."
Woman: "Your what?"
Abraxas: "VD, vibrational detection."
Green Music Note abraxas3.wav Sonia: "Think you space guys or whatever it is you are could have dropped me a note or something? You know, just to let me know that I'm not crazy."
Green Music Note abraxas4.wav Abraxas' gushy closing remarks, set to easy listening music... (To understand my pain you must listen to this.)

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage
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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipabraxas1.mpg - 2.5m
There is nothing like guys fighting to soothing music, in addition to fireworks going off at random. Ha! You thought I was joking about the soundtrack didn't you?

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Mike
This movie is up there with Werewolf as one of the all time greats.  I watched it for the first time after seeing Eric Roberts star in Endangered Species.  A good set up film.  

I could watch Abraxas say, "I must find Secundus" and run away 100 times.  Unbelievable.

Another subtle gem in this movie are the looks that the older Sheriff give the younger cop...and their conversation in the car.  Epic.  

The perfect double feature is definitely Abraxas and Werewolf.  

Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Secondus
Who cares about Jesse "the Bådy" Ventura?? Sven-Ole Thorsen is the only thing that can save this movie from being total garbage.. the soundtrack is absolutely HORRIBLE!! The worst I have ever heard in a movie, by far! The saxophone in the woods during the chase is SO malplaced and BORING!

Sven-Ole's one-liners like "HAVE A NICE DAY" and "I Loooove Children" are hilarious, I went out and bought "Viking Sagas" and "Fatal Combat" just because he had big roles in them..and he didn't dissapoint me (although the movies did)
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #19. Posted on April 24, 2005, 12:41:12 PM by Jose
Found this thing for a $1.99 over at Walgreens. Pretty good deal for a horrible Terminator rip-off. I enjoyed it.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Felicity
I saw this movie back in 1997 and I enjoyed it at the time.  I found Jesse Ventura’s voice very pleasant and it was neat to see him not wearing a wig, as he did for most movies back then.  He actually looked surprisingly good balding--not with a wig, and not with his head completely shaved.  It made his character come off as just a good, decent man, nothing fancy in the looks department, but not unpleasant to look at either, what with the strong square jaw and big muscular body.

Nice to see Sven Thorsen too.  He was very likeable and sympathetic as Secundus.  I’ve liked him ever since his one line in The Running Man, which come to think of it also had Jesse Ventura (in a bad wig).

I loved the bit where the alien commander says “Parsecs are not an appropriate Earth time unit.”  My friend Ryan (who describes himself as “a Star Wars sad bastard”) have always disagreed about the “parsecs” line in Star Wars, and this supports my case.  :-)

Things that bugged me:

• They never explained the alien terms “komader” and “vaulted” (except to say that “vaulted” means “T-squared,” which doesn’t help).

• Abraxas has hair in the opening segment where he’s chasing Secundus on Earth for the first time.  So he kept his hair for 11,000 years, and then starting losing it in the last five?

• Except for Abraxas and Secundus, none of the characters are likeable.

• A lot of it is set in a small town or the nearby woods, which happens in so many B-movies that a lot of times I won’t even start to watch a movie if the words “a small town” are in the plot summary.  Fortunately, it’s *not so* small a town that we don’t get to see Secundus raising hell in a few civilized locations, like that restaurant, or the street with the hookers.
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Malone
I watched this movie with some friends last weekend (we found it in a 2$ dvd bin).

By the end of this picture we were convinced it was a propoganda film for NAMBLA.

From the talk of VD.
to the naked chat about men who were partners in bed with tommy.
To the line where Secundus looooooves children.
Also Secundus chooses to slowly undress himself while commenting to Tommy that they are all alone now.

Also this movie does own one of the best catch phrases of all time.

MY BOX HAS VD
Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Paul
This movie rules. I have a DVD Player in the car and listen to it when Im in the car. So entertaining!!

Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Kyle
The only good song on the Soundtrack "Strong As I Am".

"Strong As I Am" the song that lives!  Has dug in, and made a home on myspace www.myspace.com/strongasiam.

Everything "Strong As I Am", all "Strong As I Am".

FOUR mp3 versions: The Prime Movers, Show of Hands/Altered State and Gregory Markel Solo.  The Prime Movers music video, Gregory Markel Live Video.  The Pivotal scences in Manhunter and Abraxas: Gaurdian of The Universe.  "Strong As I Am" Fan creations.  Lyrics, Interviews, compilations, anything "Strong As I Am" it's here!

For more "Strong As I Am", Prime Movers, Show of Hands, Altered State and "The Voice" Gregory Markel, you can find it all on myspace:

www.myspace.com/gregorymarkelrocks
www.myspace.com/primemovers
www.myspace.com/showofhandschordinside
www.myspace.com/alteredstatedos
www.myspace.com/strongasiam

Want more?  I got more:

www.gregorymarkel.com
www.primemoversmusic.com
www.alteredstate.com
www.freewebs.com/alteredstatedos
 
Laides the official myspace/alteredstatedos "Strong As I Am" shirt!  www.alteredstatedos.spreadshirt.com

And get yourself Autographed Copies of Altered State "DOS" featuring "Strong As I Am" only at www.alteredstate.com

kyle@gregorymarkel.com
714-656-4170

Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #24. Posted on December 10, 2006, 10:34:37 PM by Adam
The soft jazz!! holy crap... i couldn't even finish watching the short clip.
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