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ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE - 2 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1991 Rose and Rusty Productions.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Abraxas - Jesse "The Body" Ventura ladies and gentlemen! A "finder" protecting the known galaxy from criminals.
  • Secundus - Used to be Abraxas' partner, now intent on finding the "anti-life equation" and becoming a godlike force. Get's zapped.
  • Sonia - Girl who Secundus impregnates.
  • Tommy - Offspring of Secundus and Sonia, he is a comater (Komator? Or something like that, work with me.) and able to formulate the "anti-life equation."
  • Dar and Hite - Dispatchers for Abraxas.
  • Deputy White - Little but annoying cop.
  • Sheriff Sharp - Down to earth county sheriff.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Jesse "The Body" Ventura, governor of Minnesota and defender of the universe. What else could you want from a bad movie? Well, first and foremost - cut out the soft jazz music soundtrack. Gads it was annoying, everything to soft music... ...a tender moment between Abraxas and Sonia: soft jazz. Abraxas and Secundus kicking the crap out of each other: soft jazz. Somebody sitting on the toilet, okay that didn't happen but if it had: soft jazz. Well, our favorite wrestler-turned-state leader is a sort of intergalactic cop, protecting everyone and thing from the bad guys. Secundus was his partner, now a serious bad guy, intent on discovering an equation which will grant him limitless power. To this end he impregnates Sonia, lucky for her Abraxas is no heartless killer, she raises the resulting child rather well. Except he doesn't talk, until the end of course. The bad guy escapes prison, intent on wringing the anti-life equation out of Tommy, so the good guy pursues (insert relevant names here) and a climatic battle is imminent! Imminent in the sequel, but imminent none the less. I must recommend this film with reservation, but you have to hear the governor of Minnesota say, "My box has VD."

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Ozone is used to reinforce bones.
  • Aliens can make a woman pregnant through their palms.
  • Women can give birth with their pants on.
  • There is a mathematical theorem called the "anti-life equation."
  • Soft jazz music doesn't go well with two men fighting.
  • When carrying a crowbar and attacked - use it.
  • Don't ask a woman if a guy is her mating partner.
  • Naked Jesse Ventura should not offer to tell a young kid a story involving two men.
  • A woman clearing her throat means she wants sex, like now.
  • Small town cops always carry an uzi.
  • Aliens hate car doors.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 11 mins - Two people parking to make out huh? You are so screwed...
  • 16 mins - She got real pregnant real fast.
  • 17 mins - Ugh, Kenny G music.
  • 19 mins - Hey dad, doesn't it strike you as odd your daughter left this evening not pregnant and comes home in the morning with an infant?
  • 31 mins - Okay, enough of the "running through the woods" scene.
  • 35 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PEPSI!
  • 38 mins - Just some girl getting her head crushed.
  • 46 mins - Ouch! (Stabbed with a lamp.)
  • 58 mins - Abraxas gets to see some home grown hooters.
  • 62 mins - Apartment? She was living in a two story house!
  • 79 mins - Painful slow motion fight scene, set to light listening music of course.

Quotes: 

  • Abraxas: "You will speak when spoken to or I will deactivate your vocal mode."
  • Abraxas: "I'll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday. That's a little bit more than six, isn't it?"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note abraxas1.wav Hite: "Secundus would be irrelevent if you had eliminated the girl before she gave birth."
Abraxas: "None of us could be certain her child would possess the anti-life equation."
Green Music Note abraxas2.wav Abraxas: "My box has VD trust me."
Woman: "Your what?"
Abraxas: "VD, vibrational detection."
Green Music Note abraxas3.wav Sonia: "Think you space guys or whatever it is you are could have dropped me a note or something? You know, just to let me know that I'm not crazy."
Green Music Note abraxas4.wav Abraxas' gushy closing remarks, set to easy listening music... (To understand my pain you must listen to this.)

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipabraxas1.mpg - 2.5m
There is nothing like guys fighting to soothing music, in addition to fireworks going off at random. Ha! You thought I was joking about the soundtrack didn't you?

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Internet Movie Database


Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 3 [4] 5
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #25. Posted on December 11, 2006, 08:40:42 PM by Mr_Vindictive
Ugh.

I actually picked this one up on a double feature dvd with Slipstream (which I already own) for 1.00 at the local WalGreens.

Terrible, terrible stuff.
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #26. Posted on July 24, 2007, 01:47:23 PM by HarlotBug3
I was always curious about this movie as a child, but only because our cat was named Abraxas. Silly right?


The fight...with the elevator music...I don't think I could laugh hard enough to dull the pain of this one. Thanks for the warning.
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #27. Posted on April 07, 2008, 12:43:59 PM by Ryan
I heard over at the IMDB boards that Abraxas may get the Criterion treatment. I'd rather maybe see it get proper treatment from Anchor Bay or Blue Underground. It would be cheaper than what Criterion can give you.

Anyway, I think this movie could have been on MST3K. Maybe the Film Crew, RiffTrax, or Cinematic Titanic could handle this.

btw, I'm looking for a copy from Cineplex Odeon Home Video. I know it may sound silly, but I'm just looking for it. If anyone has that exact copy from Cineplex Odeon Home Video, let me know at ryan02732@gmail.com
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #28. Posted on April 27, 2008, 12:47:11 AM by Terf
Hee, hee! I haven't seen this movie, but I just wanted to comment on the "Buy" option above. 53 Cents... Are there any movies CHEAPER than that on Amazon?! XD Well, maybe, but wow... it must be bad.
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #29. Posted on September 18, 2008, 02:48:49 PM by Valentine Kutter
Oh yeah !!
One of the *snicker* greatest action movies *snicker* of the early 90's *snicker* is finally mine...... BounceGiggle

OK, almost made it thru that with a straight face.

Thanks to Digiview and Wal-mart this "gem" is mine for a whole dollar. PLUS its a double feature with Brandon Lee's "Laser Mission". How can you go wrong ? BUt seriously this is one of the bad at its best.

VK Thumbup
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #30. Posted on October 28, 2008, 04:36:39 PM by snargles
What a lot of people don't realize is that this film was actually a pilot for a show called "My Two Finders" in which Secundus & Abraxas begrudgingly tolerate each other while providing father figures for the comader.Abraxas being the Good,Honest one,Secundus(his real belly-rubbin' daddy)is the mischevious,fun one.Sonia tries her best to keep the boys in line.Every now and then,when no ones looking,Secundus tries to extract the anti-life equation,but deep down he has a heart of gold.Just as Alf would never actually eat the cat.The guys bond,get balded together,eat reciepts,and get a lotta strange looks from earth folks.Well, thats what would have happened,but unfortuneatly only Jim Belushi signed up for the project!
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #31. Posted on December 29, 2008, 01:17:49 PM by Ryan
I eventually found a copy. Pretty bad, but fun at the same time. 10/10

I own Circle Man, Ski School, Busted Up, and Food of the Gods Part 2. 4 other films from the same director, Damian Lee.
Re: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Reply #32. Posted on November 22, 2009, 12:48:16 AM by Annoyomous
Nobody has yet mentioned the cameo by James Belushi as the school principal.
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