Bad Movie Logo
"A website to the detriment of good film"

Custom Search
HOMEB-MOVIE REVIEWSREADER REVIEWSFORUMINTERVIEWSUPDATESABOUT


ALIEN 2: ON EARTH - 1 Slime
Not Rated
Copyright 1980 GPS
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 24 January 2012

The Characters:  

  • Thelma - An attractive female clairvoyant spelunker! What are the odds?
  • Roy - It appears that one of the Gibb brothers hated music but loved caves.
  • Maureen - Come on Maureen; you know what it means when the stalagmites grow fangs and do dirty things. It means everything.
  • Burt - Maureen's beau, which means he becomes single when the aliens eat her. Poor Burt has zero time to enjoy his newfound freedom, because he also becomes alien kibble. Proving, once again, that people in relationships live longer.
  • Phil - His name might be Bill, but it is hard to tell. What is not hard to tell is to which side he hangs, because his jeans are too tight. Way too tight.
  • Cliff - He falls victim to a fleshy chandelier.
  • Jill - The first to be eaten by a killer rock.
  • Rod - He loved spelunking almost as much as he loved Jill, and that's about all I can say about Rod.
  • The Alien Creatures - Weird little buggers that incubate inside of rocks before hatching into deadly snake-like creatures that are all fangs and goo.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Here is an unauthorized Italian "sequel" to Ridley Scott's science-fiction/horror classic "Alien." My experience with Italian science fiction and horror is that they are prone to convoluted plots, bizarre editing, and schlocky gore. This is a near-perfect example of that stereotype, so it is a near-perfect setup for a lot of entertainment.

It bears mentioning that Italian zombie films are my wife's version of kryptonite. She is not particularly fond of any ridiculous science fiction or horror movie from what was once the center of Western civilization, but the zombie films really get her goat. Diu vivere Italia zombies! Eh, it's a poor translation and one word has no Latin equivalent, but apparently the Romans never found it necessary to speak at length about certain abstracts.

As the movie begins, two important events are taking place. The first is that a space mission is returning to Earth, while the second is that Thelma is being interviewed by a local television station about spelunking. These two things would appear to have absolutely no connection at all (not even quantum), but in the ways of Italian science fiction they are inextricably entwined. During the interview, Thelma experiences a psychic occurrence that requires the station to quickly cut to a commercial so they can line up other programming. The psychic event is nothing impressive. In fact, all that happens is that Thelma completely zones out on the interviewer. On the other hand, the news coverage of the space capsule returning to Earth does end with an unexpected twist. The capsule is empty.

After the disastrous interview, Thelma and Roy join their friends at the bowling alley, where everybody shares a big can of pineapple juice. However, not even the fun of bowling nor the tastiness of canned pineapple juice can keep this bunch from their weekend plans. After the last juice is drunk and the final frame is tallied, the group climbs into Roy's Jeep Wagoneer. They are off to the mountains to go spelunking!

I used to roll with a wild and crazy bunch, but we never combined bowling, pineapple juice, and spelunking in the same weekend. That would have been taking things too far.

En route to the cave, the Wagoneer makes two stops. The first is a store by the beach so that Burt can pick up some candles he ordered from Italy. While Burt is collecting his candles, Thelma takes a short walk along the beach. She has another one of her episodes and freaks out a little girl and her mother. After the spelunkers depart, we watch as the girl discovers a strange rock. When the mother finds her daughter, the little girl is sitting on the sand, facing away, quietly crying. As she turns, the mother screams in horror. The little girl's face has been torn away!

Making any kind of identifiable sound would be nearly impossible when your face looks like uncooked beef, but am I supposed to believe that little Lucy would sit there crying after something ripped her face off? We have three children at home who are all eight and under. They are normal kids, which means I've seen cuts, scrapes, bruises, bee stings, and fingers and toes caught in doors. There are sounds kids make when something hurts, and then there are the sounds kids make when something really hurts. It is not gentle crying. It is not loud crying. It is a pitched scream that quickly rises to maximum volume and then remains there - except for the small oscillations that are required to quickly refill the lungs with air so the scream can continue unabated.

They (kids) also do not stay in one place making that world-destroying scream. They move as rapidly as possible towards wherever they think either Mommy or Daddy is currently standing. Standing, because no matter what a parent is doing, that scream will immediately cause them to get to their feet to seek out the wounded child. Not the least reason for doing this is that the "as rapidly as possible" part of the little one's travel means "as rapidly as possible" and not the more prudent "as rapidly as safely possible." Several times I have watched one of my screaming progeny, injured limb held high in the air as if it were the Olympic Torch, run toward me, only to trip over a wayward toy and fall on even more toys. The result was even more screaming.

But I digress...

The other stop made on the way to the cave is at a little desert general store where the spelunkers pick up some supplies, use the toilet, and change into their spelunking gear. That is where Burt discovers a strange rock (like the one that poor little Lucy found) that he gives to Thelma. She stuffs it into her backpack. <---PLOT POINT.

Once the spelunkers arrive at the cave where they intend to spelunk, the movie becomes nearly unbearable. Why? Because we watch people spelunking, at great length and in sordid detail. Have you ever seen the MST3K episode with the rock climbing? Well, this is exactly the same situation, but with spelunking. The audience is forced to watch the characters for more than ten minutes as they crawl around inside of, talk inside of, and make camp inside of the cave.

Gaaahhhrrk!

Well after the boundary of human endurance to spelunking is reached, Jill notices that the rock in Thelma's backpack is breathing. Then it (the rock) bites her, causing all heck to break loose. This is because Jill, distracted as she is by the purple pebble that is chewing her nose off, stumbles over a ledge and falls. Thelma, who is the only person to witness the attack, tries to explain to the rest of the group what happened. Words fail her, meaning nobody understands that a rock bit Jill's face off. Now we are subjected to another ten minutes of watching the group perform a spelunking rescue in every detail. Once Jill's inert body is hauled back up, the only person at the top is Rod. He starts the process of rigging the ropes so the others can ascend. Unbeknownst to Rod, the camera is slowly panning back through the cave and up Jill's body to her face. This takes an additional four minutes. So, for the last twenty-four minutes the only thing keeping my attention has been complaining about the complete lack of anything to keep my attention.

For those of you who are cinema masochists, the DVD contains some extras. One of them is the slow pan from Rod to Jill's body, but this version is even longer.

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

When the camera finally gets to Jill's face an alien pops out and attacks Rod. It latches onto his throat, causing him to fall off the ledge and hang upside down above his terrified friends. Rod screams and sprays blood all over the place. Then his head falls off, which is the breaking point for the panicked spelunkers. They take off running into the darkness. Thus begins a portion of the movie that is entirely comprised of the spelunkers wandering through the cave, looking for a way out.

From what I can tell, the aliens lay their eggs inside of rocks. They also reach sexual maturity in about thirty minutes. Thelma and her friends are trapped inside of a cave. They are as good as dead. It is not long before Maureen and Burt stumble into the middle of a hatching nest of aliens that turn them into bloody corpses (I never knew there was an artery inside the human eye). Shortly after that Cliff is surprised by a tangle of tentacles that drop on him from above.

Looking at it from a purely reproductive standpoint, the aliens are some weird critters. The only other creatures I can think of with such a quick and unlikely reproductive cycle are those darn Sno-Bees from "Pengo."

Thelma and Roy encounter Cliff after his unfortunate close encounter. He walks slowly towards them, eyes glazed. Alerted by her psychic spelunker senses, Thelma knows that what she is seeing is not really Cliff. Her hair goes "Firestarter" as she uses her mental powers to burst the doppelganger's head apart, causing tentacles to erupt from the bloody stump. As Thelma and Roy flee, poor Phil gets et by the very annoyed alien monster.

The last two spelunkers find a way out of the cave, only to discover that everywhere they look is deserted. Since that is not unusual for the desert, they drive to San Diego. Upon arriving at the city, Thelma and Roy go to where people go to when they need help: the bowling alley. Yes! After watching numerous friends killed by alien monsters that hatch from rocks, the first place that Thelma and Roy visit is a bowling alley. Wait, it gets better! The bowling alley appears empty, so Roy goes behind the bowling machines to see if anyone is around.

Well, Roy gets et. Thelma is then chased out of the bowling alley by the alien esophagus cam and the movie ends shortly thereafter.

The dialog throughout the movie is absolutely priceless (there is a fantastic discussion between Thelma and her psychiatrist around the twelve-minute mark), but the last half hour is the real reason to watch it. As nonsensical as the final thirty minutes of the film might sound, after Rod meets his loud and messy end the movie finally delivers a measure of entertainment. Most importantly, once Rod dies the focus on realistic spelunking goes out the window. After Rod is gone, the story is all fake blood and gore and people running around scared that they are about to become an alien entrée. Almost every character's death is gory and comical due to the copious amounts of bright red stage blood used.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Spelunking is an important branch of physics.
  • Everybody in San Diego owns an SUV because the roads suck.
  • The best part of living on a boat is not having to worry about Jehovah's Witnesses.
  • Spelunking involves more PVC and rubber than any sexual fetish known to man.
  • During the 1970s the only way to tell the difference between a man and a woman was the beard.
  • Stalagmite is Latin for "stone penis."
  • A sprained ankle takes at least 15 minutes to heal.
  • In case of emergency, please remain calm and report to the nearest bowling alley for further instructions.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 2 mins - Punch buggy yellow!
  • 5 mins - Punch buggy blue!
  • 6 mins - Punch buggy yellow!
  • 11 mins - Avery Schreiber?
  • 20 mins - "I screamed 'No!' at her little girl, and she asked me what I wanted. Isn't that weird?"
  • 31 mins - This is the worst music video ever.
  • 33 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 55 mins - Even movies about caves don't have this much cave in them.
  • 74 mins - Everybody must be at the movie theater watching "The Empire Strikes Back."
  • 76 mins - The whole city is deserted...except for that VW microbus, and all of the other cars that are driving in the distance.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note aliensulla1.wav Roy (to the TV interviewer): "You know Thelma is telepathic and if something happens she senses it, even at a distance."
Roy (to Thelma): "Feeling better now?"
Thelma: "Yes."
Green Music Note aliensulla2.wav Thelma: "Why? What is it?"
Jill: "The stone's moving."
Thelma: "What are you talking about?"
Jill: "The stone's moving!"
Green Music Note aliensulla3.wav Maureen: "What's the matter?"
Thelma: "It's horrible! It's that piece of rock Burt's got!"
Roy: "Where is Jill?"
Thelma: "She's fallen!"
Roy: "What do you mean 'fallen?' Where is she?"
Thelma: "I don't know! Her face is gone! It's gone! I ran away!"
Green Music Note aliensulla4.wav Thelma: "It seemed like a mineral. Yet, it suddenly came alive. Poor Jill."
Roy: "Probably what saved you was that it must have sensed you have a stronger mind."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage
ImageImageImage
ImageImage


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipaliensulla1.mpg - 5.7m
Maureen and Burt get munched by killer rocks.

 Leave a commentEXTRASBuy the movie 

Share It!Buy the movieIMDB Logo
Stumble This ReviewStumble This Review
Digg This ReviewDigg This Review
Buy it from Amazon.com (United States)

Buy it from Movies Unlimited (United States)

Buy it from Amazon.ca (Canada)

Buy it from Amazon.co.uk (United Kingdom)

Internet Movie Database


ALSO SEE:



Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #1. Posted on January 24, 2012, 09:53:24 AM by InformationGeek
What a crappy cave movie.  Going back to watching The Cave!   TongueOut

But seriously, I remember seeing another movie review for this movie a while back and the quality used for the clips were in much worse condition (I think he was using a VHS tape) compare to the ones you have.  Where did your get your footage and pics from?   Was there a DVD release of this thing?

One more thing, nice to see another review from you!
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #2. Posted on January 24, 2012, 10:28:05 AM by Andrew
What a crappy cave movie.  Going back to watching The Cave!   TongueOut

But seriously, I remember seeing another movie review for this movie a while back and the quality used for the clips were in much worse condition (I think he was using a VHS tape) compare to the ones you have.  Where did your get your footage and pics from?   Was there a DVD release of this thing?

One more thing, nice to see another review from you!

Thank you!  It's good to be back and to be writing again.  Sometimes the Marine Corps throws a monkey wrench into my love for b-movies.

Midnight Legacy put out a beautiful DVD made from the 35mm negative in 2011.  The older version I knew of was a very poor VHS transfer, so this is a huge improvement.
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #3. Posted on January 24, 2012, 06:49:12 PM by retrorussell
Thanks for reviewing this movie, Andrew!  I actually had never heard of it until maybe a handful of years ago.  But I had a dream of a movie a lot like this before I stumbled upon it.  I dreamed there was a movie involving aliens and it was billed as a 'sequel' but wasn't really related to the movie it had in its title.  Oh, and that it was dark and violent.  Weird how sometimes you dream about little things that come true.  I'm pretty sure I didn't see a trailer for this as a 9-year old and the long-dormant memory resurfaced in a dream.

If I wasn't particularly crazy about The Descent, I bet I would really hate this.  I did once see a clip of the upside-down guy's head falling off, which I thought was cool.
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #4. Posted on January 26, 2012, 01:04:00 PM by Kitten_Pie
The man is back!

I've watched the MST3K on "deep hurting"...

This should be kryptonite for ANYONE. How is it that they both get their faces tentacled in the clip, but only Maureen has her eye ripped out??? Burt just looks like he lost a fight with a heapin' helpin' of ground beef.

You are spot on with the assessment on the hair. In the still of the old guy and I assume Thelma and Roy, Roy definitely has prettier hair. He's a mighty man-scaper that Roy!

Thanks again for the service and sacrifice you make for us sir.

Oh yeah and for serving in the Marines too!   TeddyR
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #5. Posted on January 28, 2012, 03:36:31 PM by BoyScoutKevin
I like Italian films, as they may be some of the few that have less knowledge about georgraphy than we Americans. For example, this film.

Who mapped out the half-assed route in this film? I lived in San Diego, or near San Diego, for over twenty years, and you do not get to the desert by first going to the beach, nor do you get to the beach by going to the desert. They are in completely opposite directions.

Indeed, there is very little desert in San Diego county, and to find it, you have to go almost all the way out of the county, to the extreme northeast corner of the county. So, if you need to get back to civilization, almost the worst thing you can do is head back in a southwest direction to San Diego, because it is a two-hour drive one way. Civilization is alot closer in almost every other direction.

They did get one thing right. The roads do suck. They did not always suck, but the roadbuilders could not keep up with the increase in population, and thus in the increase in roads.

Anyway, it is good to see you back Andrew and writing more film reviews.
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #6. Posted on January 28, 2012, 06:25:20 PM by retrorussell
In this unauthorized Italian sequel to "Alien" a group of spelunking bowlers (Or are they bowling spelunkers?) discover that their favorite cave and favorite bowling alley are infested with alien monsters that hatch from rocks.

I hereby coin the term "bowlunkers".  Smile  It sure sounds stupid, but seems fitting for this movie.
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #7. Posted on January 30, 2012, 05:36:04 AM by Trevor
I hereby coin the term "bowlunkers".  Smile  It sure sounds stupid, but seems fitting for this movie.

I agree  Cheers

First of all, welcome back, Andrew!  TeddyR

Secondly, great review!

Thirdly, when they were getting squished like that, what was that brown stuff? It looked like blood but its' color made me think it was............... ewwww......  Buggedout Buggedout
Re: Alien 2: On Earth
Reply #8. Posted on February 01, 2012, 02:29:45 AM by Killdozer
Welcome back Andrew!!!!!
Pages: [1] 2
 Share on Facebook
RSS Feed Subscribe Subscribe by RSS
Email Subscribe Subscribe by Email


Recommended Articles
How To Find A Bad Movie

The Champions of Justice

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Manos, The Hands of Fate

Podcast: Todd the Convenience Store Clerk

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

The Human Tornado

Maniac

The Educational Archives: Driver's Ed

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Do you have a zombie plan?

FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

Subscribe to Badmovies.org and get updates by email:

HOME B-Movie Reviews Reader Reviews Forum Interviews TV Shows Advertising Information Sideshows Links Contact
Badmovies.org is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with Fair Use, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.