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BABES IN TOYLAND - 2 Slimes
Rated G
Copyright 1986 Finnegan Company.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Lisa - Drew Barrymore! Little girl who hits her head against a tree and ends up in Toyland, just in time to right some serious wrongs.
  • Mary Contrary - Mother Hubbard's daughter, almost married off to Barnaby, though she loves jack. (He's nimble, it's the quick part she hates.)
  • Jack B Nimble Jr. - Keanu Reeves! Young guy who is deeply in love with Mary.
  • Georgie Porgie - Chubby fellow who is the quality inspector for the cookie factory.
  • The Toymaster - Pat Morita! (Mr. Miyagi) Benevolent ruler of Toyland and creator of every plaything in the world.
  • The Residents of Toyland - Teddy bears, mice, and all the characters from fairy tales you can think of.
  • The Toy Soldiers - Tall as a man, these guys are the defenders of Toyland.
  • Zack and Mack - Albino hunchbacks who work for Barnaby, fairly inept.
  • Trollog - Freakish one-eyed bird, ahm, thing.
  • The Trolls - Monsters inhabiting the forest outside Toyland, they appear to be killer Christmas trees.
  • Barnaby - Evil man who wishes to control Toyland, why do evil people always wear such gay hats? Presumed eaten by Trolls.


The Plot: 

You really can't blame me for wanting to review this one, Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves in a loose adaptation of "The Wizard of Oz." Except it's set in Ohio, which for some reason the natives spell O-E-I-O. After being thrown from her sister's boyfriend's cheap 4X4 and slamming into a tree the young heroine finds herself in Toyland. Now this is a magical place, it's a mystical place, with teddy bear policemen and a horrible public transit system. Cars are community property, if you need one you hop in and take it. The main characters never had a problem getting wheels, but I'd bet stranded field mice had some very unmagical things to say at times. Lisa doesn't have a clue about fixing that problem, but she does stop Mary from getting hitched to Barnaby. (He holds the lien on Hubbard's dwelling.) That pretty much annoys the bad guy, so much he takes to calling her "Cinci-whatski," vice the much easier "Lisa." Barnaby is plotting to take over Toyland, first by framing Jack for a cookie theft at the factory and then stealing the Toymaster's flask of concentrated evil. Why in the heck would you keep concentrated evil lying around anyway? Is there some law it can't be destroyed? (Conservation of evil? I dunno.) The regiment of Toy Soldiers are capable of stopping the rampaging Trolls, but only if Lisa can become a child and believe once more. Steel yourself to watch countless people in outfits like one is treated to at small town fairs and the musical numbers. Oh the songs, especially the crooning salute to Cincinnati.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • If an electric pole is knocked down it only takes out the phones.
  • Mean people live in bowling balls.
  • Everyone who works in a bakery wears roller skates.
  • If you can't pay the rent in cash the bank will take kids.
  • Not being able to blink is a serious problem when you only have one eye.
  • People from Cincinnati are immune to poison gas.
  • Concentrated evil should be stored in an appropriate container, specifically not something glass.
  • Teddy bears are not cut out for riot control.
  • Wedding vows should include the phrase "Give him a lot of fun." on general principle.
  • Santa is a little Japanese man.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 13 mins - Oh, you're dead...
  • 17 mins - Hey Lisa, don't these people look familiar? Mom, sister, etc?
  • 35 mins - All they eat in this town are cookies, no wonder people die young.
  • 41 mins - Bad edit, one moment Toymaster is holding the toy, then it's on the stand, then he's holding it again.
  • 52 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PINWHEEL!
  • 57 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A TEDDY BEAR!
  • 60 mins - She has a toy bat, he has a toy wrench, oh boy are those monsters scared.
  • 72 mins - Is that a rose, er, tree?
  • 75 mins - Are you saying Drew Barrymore grew up too early? Maybe drug addiction by the early teens?
  • 94 mins - You didn't take your daughter to a hospital? She hit a tree going about thirty miles an hour with the back of her head. She's been having delusions of killer Christmas trees, cookie factories, and teddy bear policemen. It's called a concussion.

Quotes: 

  • Jack: "Welcome to glorious Cincinnati, queen of Ohio's alpine ski resorts!"
  • Mary: "Toymaster, we've got to talk to you."
    Jack: "Really sir, for the sake of Toyland."
    Toymaster: "Well yes, I'm listening."

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note babestoyland1.wav Lisa: "And Mrs. Hubbard you should be ashamed, forcing your poor daughter to go live in a bowling ball just to pay your mortgage!"
Green Music Note babestoyland2.wav Barnaby: "You again! Cinci-whatski! Out the door, or into the flour grinder! Which shall it be?"
Lisa: "Uh, I think maybe, 'Out the door.' sounds better."
Green Music Note babestoyland3.wav Jack: "Barnaby is attacking Toyland, his monsters will take control of everything!"
Lisa: "Toymaster, don't just stand there, you've got to do something."
Green Music Note babestoyland4.wav Judge Grimm: "Do you Mary Contrary Hubbard take this man, Jack Nimble Junior, to be your husband, to love and cherish and give him a lot of fun?"
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbabestoyland1.mpg - 2.5m
Lisa finally remembered how to be a child and the toy soldiers came to life. I wanted to see the cute bunnies take up arms and fight off the trolls! Just imagine a scene like the first few moments of "Saving Private Ryan," but with a pink rabbit looking for its arm.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... 8
Babes in Toyland
Reply #17. Posted on August 26, 2001, 09:03:32 PM by cole
first time i watched this movie i was tripping my balls off, it seemed to have a much more complicated plot then... of course it really makes no sense what-so-ever when im straight. hmmmmm. this is one of the best horrible movies of all time...
Babes in Toyland
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by anilorac83
If you really  have a sense of tast and you know that this movie is FICTION!!!! you'll know it's a great movie, who cares if he had something in their hands and then didn't. And who cares if the bats were made out of toys, It's a fiction moviue made for KIDS and not to be analyzed, that it's why its rated G. who ever did the review on the movie really needs to learn how to do that. Critizing doesn't change anything but your was RIDICULOUS
Babes in Toyland
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Keanu-Lord of Acting
Yes this is a kids movie. That doesn't excuse just how bad it really is. Even 'G' -rated flicks need to adhere to SOME standards or else this is what develops. For all the stars involved, this was truly a lowpoint in all of their careers (except Keanu, for which it was a highlight).
Babes in Toyland
Reply #20. Posted on November 20, 2001, 03:17:43 PM by laura
i think the movie is fantastic, its a true childhood memory. ive been trying to find it for ages, i really must see it again. ive looked all over the net and cant seem to find a place to buy it. well its magic anyway.
Babes in Toyland
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Elphie
This movie...whoa. I rented it after reading this, as I was a fan of that crappy 60's version and the good one with Laurel and Hardy whe I was little and wanted to compare it.
First off,  I am a fan of Drew's and think she did the best she could with what she was given here...Keanu did okay(He's hot here though!)..but Toyland itself is SO chintzy, it looks like a bad theme park. As for the plot...what plot???? I enjoyed the badness of it all and I wonder how the hell Elieen Brennan ended up in this movie(her charcter's speech about selling the kids creeped me out, as did Barnaby and Mary's realtionship, its like Olvia Newton-John marrying that creepy janitor from your middle school)
My favorite part was the Cinncinatti song.. "At first they named it Cincci but the cinnci is so natty..."
Babes in Toyland
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Cory_Feldman
After noticing this review I remembered that my parents have this movie so my friends and I decided to sit down and watch it.

It was hilarious! Has anybody noticed that as the sleigh takes off Santa feels the need to adjust his junk and then scream OOOOHHHHHHHH!

Also when the children first meet him in his workshop he lets them in on a little secret, no a big secret, one he has never shared with anyone, and then he reaches for his crotch.  OSCAR GOLD!
Babes in Toyland
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by tabbycat
Hey, probably he best part about this li'l flick is how bloody illogical everything is. Such as how the actors could say their lines with a straight face....
-T
Babes in Toyland
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Netz
It's a good movie.  Richard Mulligan makes a fine villain.

Keanu is very cute...
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