|BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL
|Copyright 1965 Juri Productions Inc.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 31 May 2008
- Meg (Ellen) - I guess that women think that shaving off their eyebrows, then drawing them back on in black (so that they really contrast the bleached hair) is sexy.
- Ted - Maybe if you paid more attention to your wife, she wouldn't be in the stairwell wearing only Frederick's of Hollywood apparel.
- Al - Talk about a mean drunk...
- Della - One more mole on her face and she could pass as a constellation; Sagittarius, I think.
- Grace - She must be the patron saint of women lost in New York City.
- Mrs. Thornton - All those years of "vitamins" while a member of the female Russian olympic team seem to have caused a mild case of rheumatoid arthritis
- The Horny Janitor - Lions tend to wait for their prey near watering holes; this dude lurks in the stairwell. Killed by an ashtray.
|Silly housewives get into all kinds of trouble while their husbands are at work. Meg is no exception. When Ted has to go in on Saturday morning to schmooze somebody, she reluctantly lets him get dressed and depart. Then she lays on the bed for a little while (undoubtedly wondering if there are any chocolate bonbons left to eat) before throwing on a see-through black lace shift. Suitably attired for the housework, Meg straightens up, meaning that she empties the ashtrays into the wastebasket.
We've now traversed about eleven minutes of a seventy minute film.
To empty the wastebasket (probably before it catches on fire), the barely-garbed housewife needs to leave the apartment. Putting on some clothes at this time might be a good idea, and Meg does add to her attire, but only by donning a pair of high-heeled shoes and white panties. So, ready to meet her public, Meg enters the stairwell and promptly runs into the creepy janitor who spends his evenings fantasizing about lingerie-wearing housewives. "It's my lucky day!" the chap realizes. He grabs Meg and rapes her, I guess, though the movie is a little unclear on that point.
The violated woman stumbles back to her apartment to cry, but does not have long to mourn. Mr. Creepy slips a note under the door. It says, "Come to my apartment, or I'll tell your husband." That's a threat? It sounds like a colossal mistake on the janitor's part. I know that if some janitor told me that he had raped my wife in the stairwell, some janitor would be taking a tumble down those very same steps. Then I would go and kick him for a while, even if the fall had broken his neck.
Meg is not the brightest; she goes to the janitor's apartment and offers him money to stay quiet. Okay, this movie must take place in some sort of bizarro universe. Unsurprisingly, the rapist is not interested in the money. He wants another go at Meg's holiest of holies. Meg isn't having any more of that. She brains the sick bastard with a huge ashtray.
What is it with this girl and ashtrays?
Meg has a murder rap hanging over her head, so she assumes a new name, Ellen, and flees to New York City. Get this: Meg packs her suitcase and scurries down the street, frantically checking over her should every dozen steps or so. "Oh no, nothing going on here. Just out for a stroll to the airport. No dead janitors in my building, Mr. Police Officer, sir."
Where does a homeless housewife (talk about a miserable individual) go in New York City? Central Park, of course; and in Central Park there are pigeons, and the camera follows the pigeons around for a while. I have no idea why the flying pests are important to the story. The director (Doris Wishman) probably did not know either. All she knew was that they needed to pad the film, and back then the screen actors guild did not require release forms for pigeon extras.
Hence the prominent public pigeon padding.
Not long after plonking herself down on a park bench, Meg meets Al. The older man takes her in, but does not try to take advantage of the situation. He does get upset when Meg talks about having a drink. We find out why that is when the little lady discovers a bottle of Cutty Sark in a cabinet. Poor Al must have been struggling to stay on the wagon, but seeing that bottle of liquor, beckoning like an eighty proof seductress, is just too much. He slams down most of the bottle before getting mad at Meg and whipping her with his belt. Finally, exhausted from his indulgences, Al falls asleep. Meg packs her suitcase and creeps out.
Bravo, Meg! That is the smartest thing we have seen you do yet. You ruined another life with your stupidity, but at least you knew when to walk away.
The bleached blonde vagrant is not on the streets for long before Grace befriends her. The new friend says that a lady named Della is looking for a roommate. Man, New Yorkers certainly were inquisitive and helpful back then. These days, I cannot seem to find one who will look at me, unless they are trying to be belligerent (on the other hand, the sidewalks are about the same - spotted with mushed gum).
Before you know it, Della and Meg are lounging together in their underwear. Meg even shows off her unique ability to do handstands (in her underwear). She performs a handstand on a chair in her underwear! I would say that the pair hit it off quite well. Things go a little too far for Meg's liking when she and Della perform the dance of the four-lipped butterfly. Once again, our forlorn protagonist packs her suitcase and hits the streets.
Meg's adventures eventually deliver her to the doorstep of Mrs. Thornton. The older woman needs a caretaker, and Meg proves to be the perfect companion. Meg is not happy, because she still misses Ted and the life she led before, but at least she seems to have found a safe place to stay. Or has she? Mrs. Thornton's son stops in to visit his mother. He is a detective from Boston. His latest case is a janitor who was killed by a single blow to the head from a heavy ashtray! You have been found out, Meg! They are going to put you in the electric chair! Ahhhhhhh!
It was all a dream.
Nope, not joking. Meg suddenly wakes up and discovers that everything was just a nightmare. However, she starts cleaning the apartment (meaning: the ashtrays) in her lingerie. Then we watch as Meg steps out into the stairwell, wearing just her black lace shift, white panties, and high-heeled shoes, and runs smack into Mr. Creepy Janitor. Once more into the breach goes Mr. Janitor's John Thomas, and we're right back to where we were fifty minutes ago. The end.
Besides the fact that people duck in and out of closets, and that Meg's interaction with every person she meets is completely unbelievable, this film's story is laborious for the viewer. It also does not make sense. Every time Meg meets a new person, three or four different warning bells started going off in my head. Not because I knew that the new character was going to do something unpleasant to the protagonist (though I did know that), but because it signaled yet another perfunctory sample of interaction preceding the assault. Not helping things is that when people talk, we rarely see them. The camera is more likely to be focused on the character listening, or a random object in the room, than the speaker.
Should you ever watch this film, pay attention to what the characters are wearing. People's clothing constantly changes; sometimes articles even appear or disappear during the same scene! It makes me feel like I am watching the movie while inadvertently sliding across parallel dimensions. Trying to find my car keys used to have the same effect. "I put them there. I know I put them there. Why aren't they there anymore?" Now that I have children, I know exactly how my car keys got behind the couch.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Women love cats.
- Impressionism is the art of creating the illusion that the viewer is trapped inside a glass shower.
- Being sexually assaulted on a concrete floor is bad for your back.
- In the old days, people did not own drink coasters. Everybody had 2" thick acrylic blocks lying around, and they used those instead.
- Two things can cause an instant case of the trots: standing on your head too much and lesbianism.
- If a man wants to take his time with a woman, he should start by knocking her unconscious.
- Women are natural contortionists because of their clothing.
- 2 mins - "Get the hell off me you narcoleptic b***h!"
- 4 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 15 mins - Well, this scene has certainly gone on longer than good taste dictates.
- 25 mins - Who else is going to have nightmares about that clock being thrown at them?
- 29 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SHOT GLASS!
- 36 mins - I sure hope that Meg likes fish. Geez!
- 39 mins - Hear that? It's the sound of a pair of elastic panties in pain.
- 50 mins - If you stare at his backside hard enough the Statue of Liberty suddenly jumps out at you.
- 50 mins - Did I just say that?
- 53 mins - That...is a closet door.
- 59 mins - "Tom, what were you doing in the closet?"
- 61 mins - What is up with the gorilla picture?
- Ted: "I have to get up to shave and shower. It's getting late."
Meg: "Oh, James."
Ted: "Come on now. Be a good girl, Meg."
Note: I have no idea why she calls him James.
- Della: "What do you do for a living?"
Meg: "Uh, um, oh...I'm a dancer! An acrobatic dancer. Watch!"
(Meg performs a handstand in her underwear.)
Della: "You shouldn't have any trouble getting a job."
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Meg: "If my husband finds out..." |
Janitor: "If you don't tell him, he'll never find out."
Meg: "But I will tell my husband! He'll..."
Janitor: "You won't tell him. You're too smart."
||Al: "You're a funny one. So quiet. What're you thinking about?" |
Meg: "I'm thinking how kind you are. You're really the kindest man I've known."
Al: "Aw, come on..."
Meg: "I mean it. I feel like having a drink, some nice scotch and soda or..."
Al: "I have no liquor here! If you want a drink, go to a bar!"
||Della: "Why're you leaving? You know that I love you." |
Meg: "I know. I love you too."
Meg: "That's why I must go."
||Mrs. Thornton: "I live here alone, and can't do for myself any more. My son Tom would say I was being foolhardy, hiring you without references, but you look as though you wouldn't hurt a fly. I like what I see, and I'm never wrong." |
Meg: "Thank you. I'm very grateful."
Mrs. Thornton: "Why do you want to be a companion to an old woman like me? You're very young and very pretty."
Meg: "My mother was an invalid and I took care of her for two years. Besides, it's the only kind of work I really want to do."
Mrs. Thornton: "In that case, I understand."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Meg finds a room for rent. Compared to the rest of the film, this scene is in the 99th percentile for competence and dialog. |
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
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