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BATS - 1 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1999 Destination Films.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dr. Sheila Casper - Dina Meyer! Specialist in bats, though she's not quite used to them eating people.
  • Sheriff Kimsey - Lou Diamond Phillips! (Lalala... ...oh skip it.) Probably the youngest sheriff in Texas' long history.
  • Jimmy - Sheila's assistant who hates bats.
  • Dr. Hodge - CDC representative, pretty gutsy for a desk jockey. Has his throat ripped out by Bert and Ernie.
  • Mayor Branson - Local elected official, about as effective as dirt.
  • Deputy Wesley - Kimsey's friend, just here to be eaten.
  • Dr. McCabe - Mad scientist who created Bert and Ernie, wanders around believing he can control them until his winged terrors set that record straight.
  • Bert and Ernie - The two genetically altered bats from McCabe's lab, they appear to be Pugs with wings. Bert gets toasted during a really confusing scene and Ernie is run over by a truck.
  • The Bats - Normal insectivores infected with a virus carried by Bert and Ernie, it turns them into killers! Frozen to death.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

When you name your movie "Bats" everyone has a general idea what the monster is, though they might not imagine something which looks like a winged Pug. You heard me, those ugly little dogs which appear to have run muzzle first into a wall, with wings. Oh, and they're mean, real mean.

Despite an interesting beginning the movie quickly degrades into frontal lobotomy territory, not the least of which is a patented military response. First off they're determined to eradicate the bats through bombs and antitank missiles, then an attempt to destroy the roost at night gets them all killed, since most recruits have at least high school diplomas these days I'd say our public education system is worthless. Not that it would matter, the creatures at hand are nigh invulnerable, only serious firepower can harm them. Bats (Even mutated ones.) are fairly light, this facilitates the miracle of flight, a female ballet dancer rolling over one would do some damage. Except to this variety, it just gets them mad.

By the way, Sheriff Kimsey is the best shot I've seen in my life, any guy who can score perfect shooting at flitting targets with a pistol is a God.

After losing half the town's population to an attack everyone is evacuated, except the civilian researchers who barricade themselves into the school. Why they stayed in town I have no idea, but it gave McCabe a chance to degenerate into mad scientist mode just prior to his death.

With an air strike scheduled to bomb the bat's cave (Huh?) it's up to Sheila and Kimsey, they must carry out the original plan: Turn on a huge refrigeration unit and freeze the creatures to death. Too bad for the bats, they're only highly intelligent when the script requires... ...such as destroying a member of the swarm when it has been captured and fitted with a tracking device, the idea to change caves after being discovered never dawns on them.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Half second images flashed on the screen are impossible to follow and annoying.
  • The CDC (Center for Disease Control) is in charge of bat outbreaks.
  • Any sort of netting reminds law enforcement types of prostitute clothing.
  • A two pound bat can knock a man weighing eighty times that off his bike and proceed to kick his ass.
  • When being eaten by bats: Stop, Drop, and Roll.
  • The movie Nosferatu is very popular in redneck towns.
  • Never compare your impromptu fort to the Alamo.
  • Large mining complexes are often left off of maps, despite being the most interesting thing for fifty miles.
  • Bats can chew through a chain link fence.
  • Guano explodes into fireworks when ignited.
  • Bats can burrow, just like moles and gophers.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - The town looks to have paved roads, why is the airport several miles away and at the end of a rough dirt trail?
  • 14 mins - Darn things must be indestructible too, nobody has killed one.
  • 21 mins - Any reason you two were sitting so far from the truck?
  • 25 mins - Why are they leaving? Hey, come back, eat these people!
  • 35 mins - Sheila knows any good store clerk has a pistol behind the counter.
  • 38 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BEEF JERKY!
  • 41 mins - Grab that thing and make it sorry, no don't stare at it you idiot...
  • 45 mins - Hellfire missiles are made for killing armored vehicles, like tanks.
  • 52 mins - Freeze them to death? How about nerve gas? Hello?
  • 58 mins - Lovely, the bat woman has a neat hand held radar, but the military doesn't have any way to keep track of the things?
  • 61 mins - Out comes the fire extinguisher, I'm certain that CO2 is going to help.
  • 80 mins - What's exploding? Slow down!

Quotes: 

  • Kimsey: "So does that make you a batologist?"
  • Sheila: "Bats do not kill people, period."
  • McCabe: "Because I'm a scientist, that's what we do, make things better."
  • Jimmy: "I don't like anything moving higher up the food chain than me."
  • Jimmy: "If another one of your bats even looks at me... ...I'm coming for you."
  • Kimsey: "Are you kidding me? I am not up to my chest in bat shit!"

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Comments:Write CommentPages: [1] 2 3 ... 5
Bats
Reply #1. Posted on April 03, 2000, 10:39:03 AM by
Two slimes? Good sir, you are generous to a fault. I watched this turkey, and was most impressed by the character's quick 180 on things: "I won't let you destroy these bats"
10 minutes later
"We have to irradicate every last bat..."


Viva Bats!
Bats
Reply #2. Posted on April 06, 2000, 07:35:02 AM by Chris K.
Awful ripoff of THE BIRDS(1963). I saw this in the theater and I was just dissapointed. Hell why don't they just put fethers on the bats so they can look like birds and it would be worse than ever. Like with STAR WARS(1977) and any other big budget film it sucks big time. A definate time-waster. Don't watch, but beware of the awful concequences of this God awful film!
Bats
Reply #3. Posted on April 08, 2000, 06:50:47 PM by MonkeyBoy
THE most awful movie I've ever seen.  Like Zeena, I found the fact that a movie, with at least 50 people working on it, presumably all with high school degrees, DON'T KNOW THAT METHANE IS EXPLOSIVE.  Oh yeah, I learned something new--body suits made by the military for very specific and rare contingencies are all one-size-fits-all, and can be donned in less time than the average Halloween costume.
Bats
Reply #4. Posted on April 18, 2000, 07:29:49 AM by Chris K.
I just have to talk about this film again. I mean this film is BAD. I don't mean the term "it's so bad it's good", I mean this film is really BAD! How bad do you ask! Worse than I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. Besides mediocre special effects, bad acting, dumb plot, awful photography, wooden direction, and so on. And the fact that Lou Diamond Phillips is in this clunker of a film, his appearence makes it alot more worse. Worse than STIGMATA! This film is a typical example of how big budget films are so hyped up that they end up being flops. Stick to THE BIRDS(1963), but beware of BATS.
Bats
Reply #5. Posted on April 19, 2000, 02:28:28 PM by paulwestbrook998@hotmail.com
Batmania strikes once again. This time without bat poles, batmobiles, but with campy acting.
Bats
Reply #6. Posted on June 06, 2000, 10:53:33 AM by Paul Westbrook
I'M BAAACK!!! I just finished seeing this movie, and all I kept thinking was WOW! This movie really rocks. The funniest piece in the movie, was the movie theatre billboard which read NOW PLAYING NOSFERATU. Now that was a funny cliche.The effects were great. That evil doctor, who created the little varmits was a nut, and got what he deserved. Don't fool with Mother Nature.
Bats
Reply #7. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by ALi
This Movie is very, very painful.
I like bad movies but this really hurts
Bats
Reply #8. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Cham
Bats is one of the worst movies to comeout of Hollywood in some time. I can't say I hated it but I was dissapointed. Not that much fun. I give it a 2.5/5.
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Lesson Learned:
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