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BATS - 1 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1999 Destination Films.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dr. Sheila Casper - Dina Meyer! Specialist in bats, though she's not quite used to them eating people.
  • Sheriff Kimsey - Lou Diamond Phillips! (Lalala... ...oh skip it.) Probably the youngest sheriff in Texas' long history.
  • Jimmy - Sheila's assistant who hates bats.
  • Dr. Hodge - CDC representative, pretty gutsy for a desk jockey. Has his throat ripped out by Bert and Ernie.
  • Mayor Branson - Local elected official, about as effective as dirt.
  • Deputy Wesley - Kimsey's friend, just here to be eaten.
  • Dr. McCabe - Mad scientist who created Bert and Ernie, wanders around believing he can control them until his winged terrors set that record straight.
  • Bert and Ernie - The two genetically altered bats from McCabe's lab, they appear to be Pugs with wings. Bert gets toasted during a really confusing scene and Ernie is run over by a truck.
  • The Bats - Normal insectivores infected with a virus carried by Bert and Ernie, it turns them into killers! Frozen to death.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

When you name your movie "Bats" everyone has a general idea what the monster is, though they might not imagine something which looks like a winged Pug. You heard me, those ugly little dogs which appear to have run muzzle first into a wall, with wings. Oh, and they're mean, real mean.

Despite an interesting beginning the movie quickly degrades into frontal lobotomy territory, not the least of which is a patented military response. First off they're determined to eradicate the bats through bombs and antitank missiles, then an attempt to destroy the roost at night gets them all killed, since most recruits have at least high school diplomas these days I'd say our public education system is worthless. Not that it would matter, the creatures at hand are nigh invulnerable, only serious firepower can harm them. Bats (Even mutated ones.) are fairly light, this facilitates the miracle of flight, a female ballet dancer rolling over one would do some damage. Except to this variety, it just gets them mad.

By the way, Sheriff Kimsey is the best shot I've seen in my life, any guy who can score perfect shooting at flitting targets with a pistol is a God.

After losing half the town's population to an attack everyone is evacuated, except the civilian researchers who barricade themselves into the school. Why they stayed in town I have no idea, but it gave McCabe a chance to degenerate into mad scientist mode just prior to his death.

With an air strike scheduled to bomb the bat's cave (Huh?) it's up to Sheila and Kimsey, they must carry out the original plan: Turn on a huge refrigeration unit and freeze the creatures to death. Too bad for the bats, they're only highly intelligent when the script requires... ...such as destroying a member of the swarm when it has been captured and fitted with a tracking device, the idea to change caves after being discovered never dawns on them.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Half second images flashed on the screen are impossible to follow and annoying.
  • The CDC (Center for Disease Control) is in charge of bat outbreaks.
  • Any sort of netting reminds law enforcement types of prostitute clothing.
  • A two pound bat can knock a man weighing eighty times that off his bike and proceed to kick his ass.
  • When being eaten by bats: Stop, Drop, and Roll.
  • The movie Nosferatu is very popular in redneck towns.
  • Never compare your impromptu fort to the Alamo.
  • Large mining complexes are often left off of maps, despite being the most interesting thing for fifty miles.
  • Bats can chew through a chain link fence.
  • Guano explodes into fireworks when ignited.
  • Bats can burrow, just like moles and gophers.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 8 mins - The town looks to have paved roads, why is the airport several miles away and at the end of a rough dirt trail?
  • 14 mins - Darn things must be indestructible too, nobody has killed one.
  • 21 mins - Any reason you two were sitting so far from the truck?
  • 25 mins - Why are they leaving? Hey, come back, eat these people!
  • 35 mins - Sheila knows any good store clerk has a pistol behind the counter.
  • 38 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST BEEF JERKY!
  • 41 mins - Grab that thing and make it sorry, no don't stare at it you idiot...
  • 45 mins - Hellfire missiles are made for killing armored vehicles, like tanks.
  • 52 mins - Freeze them to death? How about nerve gas? Hello?
  • 58 mins - Lovely, the bat woman has a neat hand held radar, but the military doesn't have any way to keep track of the things?
  • 61 mins - Out comes the fire extinguisher, I'm certain that CO2 is going to help.
  • 80 mins - What's exploding? Slow down!

Quotes: 

  • Kimsey: "So does that make you a batologist?"
  • Sheila: "Bats do not kill people, period."
  • McCabe: "Because I'm a scientist, that's what we do, make things better."
  • Jimmy: "I don't like anything moving higher up the food chain than me."
  • Jimmy: "If another one of your bats even looks at me... ...I'm coming for you."
  • Kimsey: "Are you kidding me? I am not up to my chest in bat shit!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5
Bats
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by waif_99
 Batly done... very very batly done. there's just no debat
about it.  Large piles of bat crap to all involved.
   
Bats
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Jon
I loved the movie!!  Definitely 5 stars!  I've got it on DVD and VHS!
Bats
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by jessica
I think the movie was great it was a blast beyond the first Bats that was made.  I've enjoyed the films that Meyers, Phillips and, Leon have been in.  I know the film ended in a down key of the Bat being ran over, but you could make it that a bat did get away, and make a part two.  I know i'll go see it, bye.
Bats
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Less
The worst movie I had ever had the misfortune of paying to see in a movie theater. The only cliche I can think of that wasn't included in this movie is that of the black guy dying first.

By the way, didn't the goofy FBI guy and the main character chick resemble Mulder and Scully?
Bats
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by yannick
I know this movie isnt the best thing on earth, but Dina Meyer looked damn hot it that movie, i cannot beleive what a change of hairstyle can do for someone, i found here butt ugly in Starship Troopers.

I saw the movie at Walmart and for 6$ i add to buy it, got it on dvd also, i saw this movie at 30$+ in some dvd stores, can you imagine.

Its a bad movie but still its funny and far better then most of Lou Diamond Phillips movies, what the hell has happened to that guy.
Bats
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by JImi
WORST MOVIE EVER
Cornyness can only go so far. The ending? WHAT THE F???
Bats cant dig
Bats dont look like that
horrible acting
bad dialogue
IL NEVER WATCH IT AGIN
Bats
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by M
I saw this a bunch of years ago, and I can remember just one scene (and that probably speaks for this film's quality) - the "Last Crusade" one, only with fire+guano+methane instead of fire+oil. Funny, though, that Crusade doesn't get trashed for that, equally stupid, scene... :o)
Bats
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Dante Wyrmfoe
I worked as a manager/projectionist in a Utah theatre when this horrid pice of film trash was released.
So of course I had the following conversation at least 2 dozen times.
(The movie was shot primarily in Spanish Fork I believe)

Customer: I was an extra in this film
Me: I wouldn't go around admitting that if I were you.

Two things that bothered me that I don't see mentioned often.

#1 If memory serves there is a scene where a bat crawls into the exhaust pipe of a car and then out the air conditioning system in the dashboard.
Correct me if I'm wrong but if my car was built that way I'd die!

#2 Nosferatu is playing every hour on the hour in a one screen theatre...Nosferatu is an 81 minute film.
Even if they don't bother cleaning the theatre between screenings that's physically impossible.  

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Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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