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THE BEASTMASTER - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1982 Beastmaster N.V.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dar - Marc Singer! Heroic and brave warrior that can communicate with animals, since he was born from a cow, cries if you hurt his feelings though.
  • Kiri - Stunning girl with piercing eyes who falls head over heels in love with Dar. Oh, they're cousins by the way.
  • Seth - John Amos! Brawny and jovial retainer for King Zed who has taken care of Tal all these years. Not the first guy I'd ask to see in a leather thong.
  • Tal - Dar's younger brother, believed to be the rightful heir.
  • Kodo and Podo - Dar's ferrets who often appear to be useful items attached to a string and pulled along the ground. Kodo is flame broiled.
  • The Panther - Dar's feline friend. I just want to know what psycho dyed a tiger black.
  • The Eagle - It's an animal, guess what? It's Dar's avian companion, his eyes in the sky.
  • The Bat, er People - Freakish creatures who worship eagles and digest anything caught in their wings.
  • Zed - Dar's father and the rightful king, gutted by Maax.
  • The Jun Horde - Not much of a barbarian horde really, more like the Jun Hors D'oeuvres after the Bat, er People, get done with them.
  • Maax - Rip Torn! Evil priest of the letter "R." He has an endless supply of bald acolytes and gymnastic witches. Dar sends him to meet his god.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

I must say this is the best bang for your buck as sword and sorcery flicks go, delivering decent characters and fight scenes along with a tidy little plot. So much as any movie that involves a witch sucking out a woman's baby and depositing it into a cow's uterus can be called tidy. Genghis Doolittle is saved from the witch's sacrificial knife by a kind farmer, then raised in a small farming community. Taught early on to hide his strange powers Dar is left with nothing after the Jun Horde destroys his village. Seems a little rain was all he needed to grow, in short order he assembles an impressive animal entourage and falls in love with Kiri at first sight. Presumably by the end of the movie both know they are cousins, it doesn't make any difference, our last image of them is passionately kissing on top a rock outcropping. (They went on to found West Virginia.) The Beastmaster has his work cut out for him, the evil priest must be killed, the evil army must be stopped, and he has to get his cousin. (The girl.) As such the movie is replete with some satisfying fight scenes, including one or two "eaten by dyed tiger" pieces I have grown to love. Don't miss the wonderful section detailing how to create a "Death Guard" either. First you torture him into insanity, then screw studded leather armor and spikes into his flesh, finish out by putting a leech in his ear. (I don't know why on that last part either, maybe they're just being mean...)

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • King's bedchambers are not very well guarded, someone can easily sneak in with a cow.
  • Witches are extremely flammable.
  • Normal people burn pretty easy too.
  • Ferrets are kleptomaniacs.
  • If the hero chucks a razor sharp boomerang at you and misses, pay attention to it's return path.
  • Great cats are perfect for picking up women.
  • Never let a Bat, er Person, hug you.
  • If today's church service involves roasting kids alive you might want to leave your daughter at home.
  • Eagles can carry children twice their weight.
  • Ferrets can gnaw through anything, branches, rope, and genitalia. (I'm not going to explain, no way.)
  • Tar is an explosive.
  • Never lay on a spiked mace.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - They certainly must have thrown those choke chains into the ceiling hard.
  • 9 mins - She used magic to transfer the unborn child out of the mother and into the cow? I sure hope the hookups are the same...
  • 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HEADDRESS!
  • 18 mins - Why exactly are you going to try and fight mounted warriors in the middle of a field?
  • 25 mins - How did the sword get sheathed?
  • 35 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 43 mins - The guy being eaten had black hair, but this shot is definitely showing brown hair.
  • 47 mins - Hey kid, isn't that rock hot?
  • 85 mins - Thank goodness for wagons full of hay in just the right places.
  • 101 mins - I bet the evil army will forget the tar moat around the city.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note beastmaster1.wav Zed: "I have been told you are planning a child sacrifice."
Green Music Note beastmaster2.wav Dar: "They whip you like a beast!"
Kiri: "I am a slave, what would you have me do?"
Green Music Note beastmaster3.wav Maax: "R is not yet satisfied!"
Green Music Note beastmaster4.wav Zed: "Who is this man?"
Seth: "He is a friend, he is the Beastmaster!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbeastmaster1.mpg - 2.4m
You are probably wondering why this huge explosion happens when the bad guy falls into the moat. Well, the moat was filled with oil by the defenders beforehand...uh, I actually do not know why it blows up. It should have just caught on fire.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6
The Beastmaster
Reply #17. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Ray
Saw this movie some 15 or 20 years ago. Saw it about 7 or 8 times consecutively if memory serves. Dying to get a copy, vhs or DVD, doensn't matter. Only problem, cant get it in this country (Australia), and to get it from the states would be a waste of time, as their formats in both vhs and DVD dont work here down under.

I loved most of the films of this type, sword and scorcery. Hell, it got me right into AD&D, and because I couldnt find any D&D at the time, it got the cerebral juices flowing sufficiently, I set down and created my own sword and scorcery game.

Kudos to them all I say...
The Beastmaster
Reply #18. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Steven A. Grainger
Can't believe you don't mention Keri is Tanya Robert's. I mean you don't get to see one of Charlie's Angels show their tits that often-OK Farrah you do but still. Tanya Still looks pretty hot today, check out the ditzy mom on That 70's Show.
The Beastmaster
Reply #19. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Chris
True, this movie was sub-par, even as sword and sorcerry/ barbarian movies go, but it's still a fun movie to watch on a rainy weekend afternoon or late at night when you can't get to sleep. Plus Tanya Roberts was/is a total babe!
The Beastmaster
Reply #20. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Silvia Liliana Barboza
The Beastmaster is my favourite adventure movie, it has nice sreenshots,  beautiful music!!!!, nice story, good actors, and amussement for all kind of audiences, could look silly for those type of persons that only enjoy cruel violence and dirty bloody sex scens, but this is not a silly movie,it's a great ficcion fantacy product of hollywood, one of the best in the adventure matter, I want to have it in my DVD colection, I didn't buy it yet.
The Beastmaster
Reply #21. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by fil
Points:
1. Wasn't it funny when they were showing that one witch, scrolled up her fine-ass body, and then got to her face? Hah.

2. They're not "flesh-and-blood" cousins unless she is from the father's side of the family. However, considering the amount of inbreeding royals do, I wouldn't be surprised if his parents were brother and sister.
The Beastmaster
Reply #22. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by yannick
Damn am i the only one that loved this movie or what.

Yes this movie was great, but the sequels and the tv show sucked.
The Beastmaster
Reply #23. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by James Perry
I was thrilled when the DVD was released.  This became one of my favorites.  Great movie to look at and Singer is terrific!  But my favorite is Papa Evans (from Good Times) and that kid.  They're a fun team.  I would've liked to see them do more together in the movie.  The perfectly timed bits near the end were hilarious...you just gotta say "Oh, what the hell" and clap for out heroes!  Great fun.
The Beastmaster
Reply #24. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by octo
hey this movie was great, i loved it when i was a kid and it was on TV. After that i always hoped it would be shown on TV and i watched it everytime it was... truth is when ur  a kid u don't really care much of what it is but what it contained... swords and magik, a person who can communicate with animals etc...
But now i'm all grown up this movie does bring back memories however it ain't as great as it seemed. This isn't a bad movie at all... its quite good infact and in the middle of its class with willow and the likes better it.
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