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THE BEASTMASTER - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1982 Beastmaster N.V.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dar - Marc Singer! Heroic and brave warrior that can communicate with animals, since he was born from a cow, cries if you hurt his feelings though.
  • Kiri - Stunning girl with piercing eyes who falls head over heels in love with Dar. Oh, they're cousins by the way.
  • Seth - John Amos! Brawny and jovial retainer for King Zed who has taken care of Tal all these years. Not the first guy I'd ask to see in a leather thong.
  • Tal - Dar's younger brother, believed to be the rightful heir.
  • Kodo and Podo - Dar's ferrets who often appear to be useful items attached to a string and pulled along the ground. Kodo is flame broiled.
  • The Panther - Dar's feline friend. I just want to know what psycho dyed a tiger black.
  • The Eagle - It's an animal, guess what? It's Dar's avian companion, his eyes in the sky.
  • The Bat, er People - Freakish creatures who worship eagles and digest anything caught in their wings.
  • Zed - Dar's father and the rightful king, gutted by Maax.
  • The Jun Horde - Not much of a barbarian horde really, more like the Jun Hors D'oeuvres after the Bat, er People, get done with them.
  • Maax - Rip Torn! Evil priest of the letter "R." He has an endless supply of bald acolytes and gymnastic witches. Dar sends him to meet his god.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

I must say this is the best bang for your buck as sword and sorcery flicks go, delivering decent characters and fight scenes along with a tidy little plot. So much as any movie that involves a witch sucking out a woman's baby and depositing it into a cow's uterus can be called tidy. Genghis Doolittle is saved from the witch's sacrificial knife by a kind farmer, then raised in a small farming community. Taught early on to hide his strange powers Dar is left with nothing after the Jun Horde destroys his village. Seems a little rain was all he needed to grow, in short order he assembles an impressive animal entourage and falls in love with Kiri at first sight. Presumably by the end of the movie both know they are cousins, it doesn't make any difference, our last image of them is passionately kissing on top a rock outcropping. (They went on to found West Virginia.) The Beastmaster has his work cut out for him, the evil priest must be killed, the evil army must be stopped, and he has to get his cousin. (The girl.) As such the movie is replete with some satisfying fight scenes, including one or two "eaten by dyed tiger" pieces I have grown to love. Don't miss the wonderful section detailing how to create a "Death Guard" either. First you torture him into insanity, then screw studded leather armor and spikes into his flesh, finish out by putting a leech in his ear. (I don't know why on that last part either, maybe they're just being mean...)

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • King's bedchambers are not very well guarded, someone can easily sneak in with a cow.
  • Witches are extremely flammable.
  • Normal people burn pretty easy too.
  • Ferrets are kleptomaniacs.
  • If the hero chucks a razor sharp boomerang at you and misses, pay attention to it's return path.
  • Great cats are perfect for picking up women.
  • Never let a Bat, er Person, hug you.
  • If today's church service involves roasting kids alive you might want to leave your daughter at home.
  • Eagles can carry children twice their weight.
  • Ferrets can gnaw through anything, branches, rope, and genitalia. (I'm not going to explain, no way.)
  • Tar is an explosive.
  • Never lay on a spiked mace.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - They certainly must have thrown those choke chains into the ceiling hard.
  • 9 mins - She used magic to transfer the unborn child out of the mother and into the cow? I sure hope the hookups are the same...
  • 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HEADDRESS!
  • 18 mins - Why exactly are you going to try and fight mounted warriors in the middle of a field?
  • 25 mins - How did the sword get sheathed?
  • 35 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 43 mins - The guy being eaten had black hair, but this shot is definitely showing brown hair.
  • 47 mins - Hey kid, isn't that rock hot?
  • 85 mins - Thank goodness for wagons full of hay in just the right places.
  • 101 mins - I bet the evil army will forget the tar moat around the city.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note beastmaster1.wav Zed: "I have been told you are planning a child sacrifice."
Green Music Note beastmaster2.wav Dar: "They whip you like a beast!"
Kiri: "I am a slave, what would you have me do?"
Green Music Note beastmaster3.wav Maax: "R is not yet satisfied!"
Green Music Note beastmaster4.wav Zed: "Who is this man?"
Seth: "He is a friend, he is the Beastmaster!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbeastmaster1.mpg - 2.4m
You are probably wondering why this huge explosion happens when the bad guy falls into the moat. Well, the moat was filled with oil by the defenders beforehand...uh, I actually do not know why it blows up. It should have just caught on fire.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 3 4 [5] 6
The Beastmaster
Reply #33. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Nick Akers
Goddamn I want to see this film!
I'm way too young to have caught it first time around and somehow it's passed under my bad taste radar but from what I'm reading it sounds a bit like Conan ramped up to silly proportions.
I just hope I can find the Trilogy as a box set with loads of extra features (and maybe even buy some of the TV series for added low budget madness).
What a weekend that is gonna be!!!!
The Beastmaster
Reply #34. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Chrisb
About the ferret/ kleptomaniac thing: 'Ferret', after the French 'fuiret', derived from the latin 'furix' meaning 'thief'. Sorry to be a pedant!
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #35. Posted on May 03, 2008, 01:58:34 PM by Stacey
Thumbup This is a definite favorite from my childhood and I still love watching it to this day and I'm 30 something! I just love it. I find it very entertaining. Maybe it's my love for animals?  Smile Please check out my website to learn how you can help animals in trouble. http://KindnessNotCruelty.org
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #36. Posted on June 04, 2008, 03:24:58 PM by HarlotBug3
It's been years, but I remember being enthralled by it as a kid. I owe some of my earliest tinglings of libido to those witches...though maybe the face to leg contrast just made the latter look so much nicer.

I think my parents were so worried about the slashers and shoot em ups of the era that things like this were tolerated, maybe via the reasoning that it must have looked too silly to them for it to be considered a threat. It could also be that they figured sword fighting movies would make me gravitate towards sticks rather than guns and knives...it could also be that my dad liked them more. Wink

I'm so curious to know, because however cheesey it might have been, this one had more than its share of violent, disturbing, and violently disturbing scenes. hot

I would love to enjoy it again, but would hate to spoil my memory of its crazy coolness.
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #37. Posted on June 23, 2008, 12:54:29 AM by Cut 'n' Paste
One of my wife's favourite films. Could Singer's posing pouch have anything to do with that ?????
For me, it's a yawn, but she sits through it rivetted (Hmmmm) time after time!
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #38. Posted on July 15, 2008, 02:01:36 PM by Teresa
I own The Beast Master and Marc Singer has the hottest body I have ever seen in my life. I watch The Beast Master every day! He is the finest man alive. You can tell he has a great spirit and he's a great man! I love the movie plenty of action pretty women and hot men. John Amos was a very strapping man in that day. Always remember to "Pull For Your Freedom!"  Thumbup
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #39. Posted on July 17, 2008, 01:13:49 PM by BixDugan
The Beastmaster simply Rocked!

I even liked the series. Did you know Marc Singer appears in the last handful of shows? That was a neat little throwback to the original Dar.
Re: The Beastmaster
Reply #40. Posted on September 27, 2010, 11:42:42 PM by bloodkrishna
King's bedchambers are not very well guarded, someone can easily sneak in with a cow.
haha!!!!
maybe the witch have a very great teleport black magic
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