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THE BEASTMASTER - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1982 Beastmaster N.V.
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Dar - Marc Singer! Heroic and brave warrior that can communicate with animals, since he was born from a cow, cries if you hurt his feelings though.
  • Kiri - Stunning girl with piercing eyes who falls head over heels in love with Dar. Oh, they're cousins by the way.
  • Seth - John Amos! Brawny and jovial retainer for King Zed who has taken care of Tal all these years. Not the first guy I'd ask to see in a leather thong.
  • Tal - Dar's younger brother, believed to be the rightful heir.
  • Kodo and Podo - Dar's ferrets who often appear to be useful items attached to a string and pulled along the ground. Kodo is flame broiled.
  • The Panther - Dar's feline friend. I just want to know what psycho dyed a tiger black.
  • The Eagle - It's an animal, guess what? It's Dar's avian companion, his eyes in the sky.
  • The Bat, er People - Freakish creatures who worship eagles and digest anything caught in their wings.
  • Zed - Dar's father and the rightful king, gutted by Maax.
  • The Jun Horde - Not much of a barbarian horde really, more like the Jun Hors D'oeuvres after the Bat, er People, get done with them.
  • Maax - Rip Torn! Evil priest of the letter "R." He has an endless supply of bald acolytes and gymnastic witches. Dar sends him to meet his god.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

I must say this is the best bang for your buck as sword and sorcery flicks go, delivering decent characters and fight scenes along with a tidy little plot. So much as any movie that involves a witch sucking out a woman's baby and depositing it into a cow's uterus can be called tidy. Genghis Doolittle is saved from the witch's sacrificial knife by a kind farmer, then raised in a small farming community. Taught early on to hide his strange powers Dar is left with nothing after the Jun Horde destroys his village. Seems a little rain was all he needed to grow, in short order he assembles an impressive animal entourage and falls in love with Kiri at first sight. Presumably by the end of the movie both know they are cousins, it doesn't make any difference, our last image of them is passionately kissing on top a rock outcropping. (They went on to found West Virginia.) The Beastmaster has his work cut out for him, the evil priest must be killed, the evil army must be stopped, and he has to get his cousin. (The girl.) As such the movie is replete with some satisfying fight scenes, including one or two "eaten by dyed tiger" pieces I have grown to love. Don't miss the wonderful section detailing how to create a "Death Guard" either. First you torture him into insanity, then screw studded leather armor and spikes into his flesh, finish out by putting a leech in his ear. (I don't know why on that last part either, maybe they're just being mean...)

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • King's bedchambers are not very well guarded, someone can easily sneak in with a cow.
  • Witches are extremely flammable.
  • Normal people burn pretty easy too.
  • Ferrets are kleptomaniacs.
  • If the hero chucks a razor sharp boomerang at you and misses, pay attention to it's return path.
  • Great cats are perfect for picking up women.
  • Never let a Bat, er Person, hug you.
  • If today's church service involves roasting kids alive you might want to leave your daughter at home.
  • Eagles can carry children twice their weight.
  • Ferrets can gnaw through anything, branches, rope, and genitalia. (I'm not going to explain, no way.)
  • Tar is an explosive.
  • Never lay on a spiked mace.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 5 mins - They certainly must have thrown those choke chains into the ceiling hard.
  • 9 mins - She used magic to transfer the unborn child out of the mother and into the cow? I sure hope the hookups are the same...
  • 13 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HEADDRESS!
  • 18 mins - Why exactly are you going to try and fight mounted warriors in the middle of a field?
  • 25 mins - How did the sword get sheathed?
  • 35 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 43 mins - The guy being eaten had black hair, but this shot is definitely showing brown hair.
  • 47 mins - Hey kid, isn't that rock hot?
  • 85 mins - Thank goodness for wagons full of hay in just the right places.
  • 101 mins - I bet the evil army will forget the tar moat around the city.

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note beastmaster1.wav Zed: "I have been told you are planning a child sacrifice."
Green Music Note beastmaster2.wav Dar: "They whip you like a beast!"
Kiri: "I am a slave, what would you have me do?"
Green Music Note beastmaster3.wav Maax: "R is not yet satisfied!"
Green Music Note beastmaster4.wav Zed: "Who is this man?"
Seth: "He is a friend, he is the Beastmaster!"

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

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 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipbeastmaster1.mpg - 2.4m
You are probably wondering why this huge explosion happens when the bad guy falls into the moat. Well, the moat was filled with oil by the defenders beforehand...uh, I actually do not know why it blows up. It should have just caught on fire.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
The Beastmaster
Reply #9. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Honest Annihilator
Sometimes when my two small children are running amok, and the cats are throwing up, and the dog is rolling over in something dead, and my wife is out of town on business, I just throw my arms out and declare "I AM THE BEASTMASTER!".

Nothing happens of course, but I feel somehow stronger and better able to cope.  Even though nobody else gets the joke.
The Beastmaster
Reply #10. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Bats
So whatever happened to Marc Singer then?  He was in 'V' and then, erm... what?

Very silly film, this, but then show me a sword 'n' sorcery flick that isn't.  There was a lot of this stuff about in the 80s - Beastmaster, Conan, Krull, Hawk The Slayer (oh God, no!!)... and then the movie makers got the message that nobody actually watches films about cauliflower-eared sword swingers in rough leather posing pouches with names like Dar, Zad or Thrud and with (bizarrely) Austrian accents.

Nice ferrets though, but I bet he didn't put them down his trousers.
The Beastmaster
Reply #11. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Nutty
I remember watching this when it first came out! I enjoyed it then and still enjoy it now. It was an original idea and peice coming out of some really dismal crap out there. I understand it isn't the great film work of our time but it sure helps pass the time on a gloomy day. Look at it as a fantasy with charm. Who wouldn't have liked to been the beastmaster themselves at one time or other. Go ahead admit it, you have but are to coward to own up it for fear that anybody would find out. WHIMP!  
(And I liked Krull as well For its fresh idea and new twist to the fantasy realms as well) People who didn't like these movies could never appreciate the works of mythology and Fanatsy realms. Like Excalibur what an awesome peice of work!
The Beastmaster
Reply #12. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by The Saint
The tar did not explode, its fumes would have.  I don't know why the horde did not smell it however, probab;y because they stank worse.
Also, Ferrets AER Klepto's, worse than magpies.
Thirdly, In the time setting for this movie cousins marrying was not considerred wrong, it was a while later, still sick though.
The Beastmaster
Reply #13. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by The Congo Kid
Beastmaster was a great movie (despite a few minor details, such as Dar french kissing with his own flesh-and-blood and a couple plot flaws).  Its too bad they ruined the Beastmaster legend with those two follow-up flicks.  Beastmaster II, where Dar travels back into time, sucked rocks (did anyone else who saw that notice that he had both of his ferrets back?  Didn't the one die while biting the evil priest in the first movie?).  And the third film looked like it was nothing more than a low-budget, made-for-T.V. movie (they MAYBE could have made a good series out of the Beastmaster from that show like they did Hercules, but why push it.)  Why aren't those other two flicks on here, though?  Those were worse than the first film.
The Beastmaster
Reply #14. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Doug Bodden
I watch this whenever it's on. Fun stuff. I recall one of my English teachers from high school showing us a tape he'd recorded from PBS of 'Death of a Salesman' but at the very beginning there was a bit from the start of "Beastmaster" that he hadn't fully taped over. He did a low manly voice and yelled, "How about a little Beastmaster, arrrrr!" It was cool.

If Tanya Roberts was my cousin, I'd do go for it. Hell, I'd probably go for it if she was my sister...
The Beastmaster
Reply #15. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Lars
I love this movie and have seen it several times.  I, like most others, have trouble with the sequels, and Marc Singer did not age well.  This movie is a good place to get ideas for the Fetish Ball, held here in Los Angeles every year, and I would swear some of the exact costumes have been worn there.  I much prefer this movie to Conan, but I did like that movie with the twins--can't remember the name of it.  However, I still like The Golden Voyage of Sinbad better.
The Beastmaster
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Kootfly
Hey there!

Just got this movie and well...lot to say. First of all, I was kinda sickened and disturbed when the witch used her magic and transferred unborn baby Dar from his mother's womb to that of a cow's! Gross! Think I vomited the first time I saw that. The music isn't too bad but can get monotonous.

The story was okay...although a classic to be watched on a rainy day. I wanted to see more of Dar's childhood but the stupid producers concentrated on this boring desert scenery and him handling his animals. I love animals but what he does with his ferrets is well....his business!

It's one of those movies that can be considered "watcheable" since I was 7 when I first saw it. Watch it for yourself and be your own judge.
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